Nothing is Free…….

And I do mean nothing.

Take the “Cash for Clunkers” initiative that the government passed to stimulate new car purchases. Sounds great right? You bring in an old car or truck that gets poor gas mileage and trade it in for higher mileage new vehicle. Under this program the dealership turns in your old “clunker” to be destroyed. It can’t even be cannibalized for spare parts at a junkyard. The dealer gets $3,500 to $4,500 for this service from the government. The dealership then can pass the deal onto you. Chrysler is even doubling the offer so you could feasibly get $9,000 off the price of a new car. Chrysler! Who we already gave billions of our tax dollars to. We already have to pay for that!

How could this be a bad idea on so many levels?

1) When the government gives money to anyone whether it’s the Indians, the homeless, even the foreign aide given out to every other country in the world. It comes out of your pocket period. This is an undeniable fact.

2) With the government owning a huge portion of Chrysler, isn’t it a little fishy that Chrysler alone is doubling the government’s cash offer? Isn’t this double dipping just a deeper grab into your pocket as a tax payer?

3) What about if you buy a high mileage car that was built in a foreign country? Are our tax dollars now going overseas?

4) And the ultimate hidden cost. The loss of tax revenue for the states. Every single state in this country depends on tax revenue from the gas pumps to pay for road repairs and other state budget needs. In some states it’s as high as $.50 (fifty cents) per gallon. If all of a sudden automobiles get twice the gas mileage as they used to, all of our states will be looking at massive budget shortfalls. The states will have to increase their tax rolls somehow. The federal government won’t bail the states out. Look at California for an example. So the feds have now made the states the "Bad Guys" for having to raise taxes.

How many spoons full of sugar does it take to make this poisonous medicine go down?

Kinda makes Mary Poppins look like Satan doesn’t it?

My Hidden Motives……..

I have to make a confession here.

I am a sneaky bastard.

I post some pretty goofy stuff on my blog. Some of it is downright deranged. I do it on purpose. The idea is to capture your imagination to show you I am nuts, and to also slip in some pretty important thoughts that I have. Some are profound like the glow in the dark toilet I invented or the hidden planet in outer space made of Velveeta cheese.

My real purpose is to try and pry a few important thoughts into your brain.

We are witnessing the dismantling of The United States of America as we know it. Our government is being changed and destroyed in front of our eyes and the smoke screens that the news media and government are creating have us all hoodwinked.

When the president appoints any cabinet member they are required by the constitution to be ratified by the Senate. The last two presidents have appointed “Czars” to oversee certain portions of our government. Bush appointed five or six. Obama has appointed over 40. These people are not approved by either house of congress and are responsible only to the president himself. Read that last line again. It’s so important that you have to understand it. It’s your job as an American, or seventy years ago a good little German soon to be a Nazi.

I don’t care if you smoked dope, drank, screwed, or slept your way through high school. You should have paid just a little attention in your American and world history classes.

Sooner than you think the government may be telling you what doctor to go to, how much money you can make, where you can live, what you can tell your children and maybe even how many children you can, or are required to have. You may need papers to travel somewhere on vacation, permission to use gasoline for recreational purposes (boats, RV,s etc.) and face stiff fines or even incarceration (jail time) for speaking out against these atrocities.

These things are happening already around the world today as we speak in one country or another. We better wake up or these terrible conditions may happen here.

And you thought I was only going to blog about alien abductions and anal probes…..

Outbreak……

Atlanta Georgia, USA. The Centers for Disease Control, CDC, today announced the first reported case of the Okeechobee Possum Flu. “This very deadly strain of the H15N30 or OPF influenza virus has everyone at the CDC scared to death” says CDC public relations manager Ivan Dontknowshit.

It appears that the virus was first discovered in a health care worker in the small rural Florida town of Okeechobee. Attempts to contact anyone there have been difficult as the town only has one telephone and the residents have to climb a utility pole to use it.

What is known so far is that a phlebotomist at the local hospital started to notice some sinus congestion and that he was tired every morning after working his overnight shift. Local residents have overwhelmed the hospital’s emergency room with symptoms as frightening as the sniffles and tummy pains to the dreaded “No speakie engrish".

Meanwhile all the major news networks are scrambling to find Okeechobee so they can set up their satellite trucks on the patient’s front lawn. “If we ever find this place we are going to make this guy’s life hell” said a CNN technician who was munching on a burger at a Stuckey’s near someplace called YeeHaw Junction.

Today President Obama responded by first saying “Okeechobee? Where the hell is Okeechobee and who gives a shit about it” But after a gentle nudge and a whisper from a trusted advisor reminding him of how close the last three presidential elections in Florida have been, the President remarked, “I will take personal charge of this healthcare crisis and I pledge today to spend at least $500,000,000.00 (Five hundred million) of your tax payer dollars to prevent this potential pandemic from spreading to areas more suitable for human existence.”

Floyd the barber, the acting mayor of Okeechobee, sent a letter to the CDC requesting that the strain of flu be referred to by its official designation H15N30 stating that “If someone does figure out where Okeechobee is and might decide to come here we don’t want this flu thingy to scare them off”

Roger Daltry, spokesman for the WHO (World Health Organization) announced that “Once we learn how to pronounce Okeechobee we will decide if we want to initiate any preemptive actions to prevent this horrible pandemic from mutating into something even more frightening like the much feared stomach bug”

In other news, Man trapped in refrigerator eats own foot, and there’s a sale at Penny’s….

Flashbacks…....

The IV was started, and everyone was smiling and assuring me that everything was going to be alright. As my face started to tingle and flush from the Diprovan that was being flushed into my central nervous system, the flashback started to take hold. At first it was hazy and distant but as the full force of Michal Jackson's insomnia drug hit me the terror began.

That crisp fall evening in a West Texas cotton field. My trusty Criterion Dynascope and assorted lenses on the table beside me. A Coleman stove with hot water going for cocoa , Swiss Miss with marshmallows. I remember it like it was yesterday.

The blinding light and my body paralyzed as I was lifted towards the craft. It was hovering a few hundred feet above the ground. There was no sound, no real sensation at all except the realization that I was unable to move a single muscle in my body. I do not know how I was even able to breathe. That thought only crossed my mind later under hypnosis.

The cold metal slab was about 7 feet long and seemed to just float in the air about waist height of my captors. My eyelids were being held open and I remember my eyes feeling like they where dry and chapped. Small wires and tubes were attached to my body in various places but I couldn’t see any machines or instruments that they were connected to. There was no sound, no walls I could see in this seemingly endless room.

I tremble at the thought and my veins seem to fill with ice water when I am forced to think of the long and shiny probe they implanted inside me. What was it for? Was it going to be harmful to me? Did they do sexual things to me? If so, why didn’t it feel good? And for God’s sake are they going to take it out? How would I ever pass through an airport metal detector again?

I awoke cold and naked laying in the fetal position about five yards away from my telescope. Aside from the lack of clothing and my location everything was fine. Oh and the painful feeling of my abdomen being full. I just attributed that to the huge platter of pulled pork I had for dinner at Stubb’s that evening.

I have never had a problem getting on a plane and this has never happened to me since that terrible night.

In all fairness to my doctor and the wonderful team at Raulerson hospital who performed my colonoscopy yesterday. It wasn’t his, or their, fault. The procedure went well. It was quick and painless.

Just the thought that I had another anal probe, and this time from a Yankee’s Fan is all most to much to handle.

The Horror, The Horror of it all………..

The second thing we do….

Is tax the Indians

Ok for you politically correct dimwits, the Native Americans.

The Indians were here first. Ok so what. They were conquered. End of story. Can you name one other group of people that conquered another group of people and then allowed themselves to be screwed over by the losers? (Oh yeah. the Japanese. That worked out well) The Indians were one of the most brutal people who ever lived on this planet. Sure they all sat around and peacefully grew corn and killed a few buffalo. In other words, they just stagnated. If the white man never set foot on North America do you really think the Indians would have evolved socially or economically or technologically? Hell no. They would be freezing their little red balls off in tents made of smelly buffalo hides to this day.

The Indians were brutal when they went to war with other tribes. They killed the men and male children while raping the women and kidnapping and assimilating the female children into their society. Does that sound like an advanced peaceful culture to you? How much Hollywood BS propaganda have you swallowed?

Today we give them tax free land, free housing, free food, free healthcare and a paycheck for sitting around and bitching that we are not giving them enough. And then, and this really frosts my balls, we let them erect casinos and let them keep all their profits tax free. These wonderful people don’t even take care of themselves. The poorest place I have ever seen is the Navajo Indian Reservation in Northern Arizona. Seriously, this area is poorer than any of the places I have seen in central Mexico. Do those rich Indian asshole that own the worlds largest casino in Connecticut send them a dime? Hell no. But we kiss their asses and let them have whatever they want. We should have passed out more smallpox laced blankets when we had the chance.

Before you start to think I am crazy here, you should spend a little time in an Emergency Room in Northern Arizona. Flagstaff spends thousands of dollars a month to take care of these parasites who drink themselves silly and then get a free ride back to the “Res” every morning. These same assholes are back night after night drunker than hell and paying for it with that nice green government check they get every month. That check that your taxes pay for. And this doesn’t even address the cash they pick up begging and poor mouthing in the Target parking lot in downtown Flagstaff. And Flagstaff Medical Center is just finishing up a special alcohol rehab center for these lovely smelly footed people.

I’m not advocating killing them now. It’s too late for that. Let’s just tax their profits the same as yours or mine are. And stop giving these lazy assholes free money. Make them get jobs just like you or I had to. We were born here also.

And we are worrying about illegal aliens sucking the life out of us? These parasites are killing us from within.

Things I hate…....

Some dufus told me the other day “Don’t be a hater Man”.

Sorry I can’t help it. Something’s I don’t care for and others I just want to take outside and cut in half with my rifle.

In no particular order:

Turnips

House flies

Horse flies

Small yip yip lap dogs

Thunderstorms

Asparagus

Leg Cramps

Airports without free WiFi

Carry on luggage assholes

Most Liberals

Lousy veins

Ingrown toenails

Most sappy Soap Operas

Slow drivers in my way

Fast drivers who pass me like idiots

Jim Lampley

Texas A&M

Cloudy nights

Expensive Hops

Door knocking religious nut cases

Snotty old fat know it all nurses

Junk mail

Alinghi

Mosquitoes

Thai food

Long checkout lines at the store

Good war movies with romantic sub plots

Cold showers

Floyd Mayweather

Grass burrs

Incompetent government at all levels

Blue M&Ms

Spam, electronic and canned

Electric stoves

Diabetes

Flat beer

Cheap Tequila

Dead batteries

Oprah

Cell phone ads on TV

And this list only took me 3 minutes to create. You can only imagine what a full day living in my head would reveal.

Scary thought isn’t it?

Something fishy is going on here……….

Go into a gun store and try to buy some ammunition. Hell, go into Wal-Mart and see what is left at the gun counter. Chances are your local Wal-Mart doesn’t have a bullet left for sale. Not even one little box of 22s. It’s almost spooky.

Why? No one has an answer. Ever since this last election there seems to be no rifle or pistol ammunition for sale anywhere. You can buy all the shotgun rounds you can carry, but anything for long guns or hand guns is unavailable.

The local Wal-Mart gun counter gal told me that they order the stuff, The orders are just not filled from the warehouse or somewhere further up the line.

Are you kidding me? The largest retailer in the world cannot get so much as a box of bullets to sell? It’s the same thing at my locally owned gun store. Paul tells me it’s just not available from the wholesalers anymore.

Are people hording? I don’t know. I do know that the two times I was at Wal-Mart when the truck was unloading and the pallet of merchandise was left at the gun counter there was no ammunition available. Not one box was delivered. It’s kind of hard to hoard when there is no supply available to purchase.

Even reloading components are gone. Try to buy a box of small pistol primers. A box of a thousand used to cost around $15.00 or so. Now, if you can find them, a box now goes for closer to $35.00 or more. Powder and bullets are also getting harder to find as well.

I don’t believe in conspiracies as a rule. I’ve been to and laughed at Roswell and think Global Warming is a farce created by Al Gore to make a quick buck.

This is much scarier in my opinion. The public can’t purchase ammo or reloading components? Who needs gun control when those sneaky bastards can find a way to prevent you from buying or reloading bullets to put in your uncontrolled gun? King George would have loved this. Without bullets July 4th would have been just another day.

I wish someone, anyone, would find a way to bring this to the public eye.

Hopefully I won’t disappear suddenly for typing this. If I do, you will know why!

The Honeymoon is Almost Over………

For those of you stupid enough to believe that the economy is turning the corner and we are all going to be rich, fat and happy from now on, here is a little reality pill for you.

On November 3 2008:

Gold closed at $730.00 per ounce

Silver closed at $9.90 per ounce

Platinum closed at $820.00 per ounce

Crude Oil was $70.00 a barrel

How do we compare to with today (6/5/09)?

Gold opened at $963.00 per ounce

Silver opened at $15.20 per ounce

Platinum opened at $1,263.00 per ounce

Crude Oil opened at $67.00 a barrel

With the government printing trillions of dollars of cash to prop up our economy the dollar's value drops on world markets. Therefore benchmark exchanges like gold and silver rise. Oil is a bit different as production can vary based on supply and demand and a few other events like a hurricane in the gulf or a tanker being attacked in the middle east.

The honeymoon here is that we haven’t had to pay for this economic fix yet. It’s like getting a new credit card with a twenty grand limit. You max it out the first week, you go on vacation, buy a big screen TV and a hot tub, and then the first bill shows up three months later. Now what? Every president and his administration has had the ability to handle this economic crisis the way President Obama has. The reason they didn’t is that it is beyond stupid and self destructive. Most economists say it is purely economic suicide.

It’s getting close to where we need to invest in bullets and camping gear and get ready to go hide in the woods. Don't buy the property because then you are a land owner and a potential stream of tax revenue. Start a garden and learn to live off the land as our money is loosing value so fast that per sheet it may soon be worth less than a sheet of toilet paper.

Makes you want to keep those old softer dollar bills doesn’t it!

Time to Make Some Popcorn………….

Looks like the newest reality television show may be the impending war on the Korean peninsula. This looks like pretty serious stuff according to the TV news ghouls. You know the world is on the verge of ending when CNN, CNBC and FOX news are all reporting that the North Koreans are saber rattling again and it looks like China and Russia may be on our side. All of these news whores are reporting the same thing?  Alas Babylon doesn’t seem so farfetched now does it?

Fox just reported a rumor that China has shut off their fuel shipments to North Korea and reputably are furious over North Koreas nuclear testing program. The South Koreans and Americans are now in their second highest level of readiness, whatever that means. 

Looks like I need to go to the storage shed and get the power supply for my shortwave radio. Might be an interesting couple of weeks to listen to Radio Pyongyang and see what that nitwit leader they have is up to. Who knows, maybe out nitwit leader will want to meet with him also.

In fact, it may be time to get some of the supplies out of the storage shed as well. Who knows where this could lead. Might just start thinking about loading up on mosquito repellent and other survival equipment.

Stay tuned. Film at eleven………..

Wifey has the Answer………..

While we were traveling to Las Vegas a few weeks ago we were stunned to see how long it took to board and leave the aircraft. Yes it was a 757 and held a couple hundred passengers. The hold up was all the rude and inconsiderate people who carry on their luggage instead of checking it at the counter.

I’ve heard the arguments before. I travelled by air extensively when I worked for Bank of America. I probably flew more than most. I am still not impressed with their rationale.

If you need to get out of the airport 15 minutes faster and checking your luggage would slow down your travel, take an earlier flight. No matter what you are told, the airlines rarely loose checked baggage anymore. Sure, years ago when it was all hand sorted, a lot of bags were lost. Most were recovered and delivered to you by the airlines at their expense. Today your claim ticket is computer bar coded and the loss rate is far below 1 percent.

Your huge carry on broke my expensive pair of prescription sunglasses that were in my over coat pocket that you squished when you, rather rudely, shoved your oversize suitcase into the overhead bin. You don’t care. You are a selfish asshole.

I wonder how quickly the aircraft would load and unload passengers if everyone found their seat, sat down, buckled up and they then closed the door?

Wifey’s idea, and I love it, is to charge these rude bastards $10.00 for each carry on bag that doesn’t fit under the seat in front of you. Why charge all the people who follow the rules and check their bags ten to thirty dollars apiece? The airlines are paying the baggage handlers already. That money is just gravy to the airlines. Why not make a little more and try to alleviate the other problems at the same time? These rude, inconsiderate, self serving, “professional business travelers” will cough up the money any way. Hell, just enforce the carry on size limits. I would choose the airline with that policy every time.

Looks like a win-win situation to me. Speed up departures, increase airline revenue, and don’t damage my expensive personal property by being an asshole.

Great idea Wifey! Just another reason why I love you. You are one smart cookie.

Everything has a Price………

Wifey and I just got back from a quickie trip to Las Vegas. We left Orlando on Monday night and flew back Wednesday night. When we arrived we were starving. We checked into our room at the Mirage and headed off in search of food.

Las Vegas isn’t hurting. The economy is just fine out there. People were everywhere. The prices are still outrageous. There wasn’t much in the way of food that I felt was affordable.

We ate dinner at a burger joint inside the Mirage. BLT Burger it’s called. They have another store in New York City. I was tired and horrified at the prices for a cheese burger and onion rings. And then I saw it on the menu.

A 6 ounce hamburger made with American Kobe Beef. Kobe Beef is that rare strain of cow that lives in Japan. The animals are groomed daily and massaged up to 10 hours a day. They eat better than I do! It is the finest beef in the world. Since the Mad Cow scare came about it has become illegal to import the stuff from Japan. Years ago a cattle rancher in the US got some of these cows and started raising them. Hence the name American Kobe Beef. A good Kobe Beef  steak, say a 12 ounce strip would be upwards of $60.00 if you could find it. 

My Cheeseburger had Vermont cheddar, iceberg lettuce, a big juicy tomato slice and a slice of Vidalia onion on it. I ordered it as rare as they could legally make it. It came on this humongous sesame seed bun and even had a great tasting pickle on top.

It was the best burger I have ever had in my entire life. No Joke. Read this line again. I get chills just thinking about it. I am going to have them freeze one on dry ice and get it shipped to me via FedEx.

The cost? $17.00 and it was worth every penny. The secondary cost? A nasty case of diverticulitis. Must have been those damn seeds and to tell you the truth. I would do it again in a flash. The oralgasim I had is worth the pain I have now.

It was that good………………

Beauty and Brains……………..

The best part of being an American is that anyone who thinks up a great idea and acts on it can make a ton of money and be happy.

Take for example the Miss America pageant

Any idea who won this year? Never mind that it is a hopeless waste of time and beauty. Forget the fact that it should be done naked so we can make sure that our national icon of beauty doesn’t have a birthmark that looks like Florida on her one of her breasts (or worse a demonic tattoo of some sort) And why not require chest x-rays to make sure we are getting 100% USDA Grade A premium kosher meat without fillers or additives?

The best part of this years beauty scam is that no one knows who won! It would suck to be crowned Miss America when the runner up makes a statement which is not politically correct and steals all your thunder.

Regardless of your opinion on Gay marriage you have to admit that the hauntingly beautiful Miss California stole the show and is going to make millions off of her personal beliefs while the real Miss America is going to get a hundred bucks a pop for opening Wal-Marts across the country. Don’t get me wrong, Katie Stam, Miss America from Indiana is gorgeous as well. She’s just not as SMART as Carrie Prejean the current runner up from California. It’s a shame that there isn’t a strategy component to being Miss America.

So while the runner up babe is going to be the spokesperson for the National Organization for Marriage at millions of dollars a year our current Miss America was in Talladega Alabama trying to get all the redneck NASCAR fans to stop staring at her breasts and acknowledge that she really is someone important.

Is this a great country or what!

The Plot Thickens………….

Imagine a new novel about a president who is in trouble. His policies that in the beginning looked like salvation to a desperate electorate are starting to look like the death of capitalism in his country. The Dow drops 3,000 points in his first 100 days. The majority of his cabinet nominations resign for income tax violations. Piracy on the high seas is at record levels. The Middle East and Muslim world is getting ready to explode in civil and region wide religious war and the border with Mexico is being over run with drug dealers and uncontrolled gang warfare.

Now the president and his secretary of state just got back from a conference in Mexico to discuss a way to stop the violence and all these drug related killings on both side of the border.

Did anyone see the movie Wag the Dog? Go rent it today. It is a movie about a president who gets into trouble and hires a team of Hollywood producers to invent or concoct a phony war to act as a diversion to what’s really going on.

Enter Swine Flu.

One confirmed death on American soil to date (April 29, 2009 1345 EST) and that was a child from Mexico who came across the border and died in a Houston hospital. One hundred (100) cases reported in the US so far.

In 2005 according to graphics Fox news just showed, with data provided by the CDC, more than 63,000 people died from the flu. That’s just the regular flu! That’s better than 172 people per day for the normal flu that grips the nation every year! Here we are freaking out over one 22 month old Mexican kid who was infected in Mexico and died here? The news just said that the state of Texas just cancelled all high school football games for the next two weeks? You have got to be kidding me. What’s going on here?

Gerald Ford tried the Swine Flu diversion when he was president. It didn’t work. His problems were over blown by the democrat opposition. He eventually lost his reelection bid.

Would it be so unfathomable that the news about this minor flu outbreak is being over blown by the liberal news media and being fanned by the current administration? Will our president be able to put on his tight fitting super hero leotards and swoop down and fix this current dilemma? What will we fall for next?

Sounds like the plot for a great comic book instead of a novel…….

Barstool Mountain………….

I bought Wifey this really cool iPod Nano for Christmas last year. It’s blue and she loves it. Then I showed her how to download songs from the iTunes store. The other day she downloaded a really cool music video from some guy singing in Hawaii. Life is good right?

Imagine my horror when she downloaded Disco Inferno. My lovely, intelligent wife likes disco music. What’s next? Barry Manilow? I’d rather listen to Sigmund and the Sea Monsters.

 I got her back though. You see, Chuckie went to college in West Texas. I learned quickly that those Miss America class beautiful little Texas girls were brought up on country music. So I did the unthinkable. I started listening to country music. Hell, I even started drinking beer with the late night DJ from the station near the Texas Tech campus.

That’s how I met Johnny Paycheck. What a fun guy he was, He even remembered me when he came back through town every couple of months. He loved the BBQ at Stubbs and was hooked on Coors beer.

Sure he was an outlaw, hard drinking country singer. The man was a study in extremes. He could get drunk and start a bar fight in seconds. He could also wax poetical and even get a tear in his eye when he talked about how he admired Buddy Holly.

We lost Johnny on Feb 19 2003. The world will never be the same for me

I found a bunch of his music on iTunes and most of it now resides on my hard drive. Whenever I hear Wifey’s computer screeching that horrible disco music I crank up a few of Johnny’s best songs to drown her out. Barstool Mountain, Georgia in a Jug, Take this Job and Shove it. Friend, Lover, Wife and Colorado Kool-Aide.

Did I mention Wifey  hates country as much as I hate disco?

I miss you Johnny and thanks for the ammunition to battle that Gloria Gaynor and Barry Gibb noise that Wifey tortures me with.

The Question of the Day……….

I am faced with a delicate decision here. I am outfitting the Man Cave and I am not sure what I want to do in the way of decorating. My friends have posters of scantily clad women in all sorts of suggestive poses with motorcycles and in some cases tool chests.

Now I am no different from any other red blooded American male. (Well in most respects anyway) I still get shivers when I see a poster of Raquel Welch in a roller derby uniform, and some of the reporterettes on CNN are absolutely stunning.

But still, I’m getting older and beauty fades. I still am in awe of Wifey when she wakes up gorgeous. Even with sleep in her eyes she is still a looker to me. I just think it would be weird to have a poster of her hanging in my Man Cave. I don’t know what I would feel if some of my friends were getting loaded and making howling noises at my wife’s picture.

As I get older I am more impressed with intelligent, thoughtful women rather than the silicone injected bimbos who serve me chicken wings and refuse to give a whole pitcher of beer to a patron sitting at a table by himself.

No, I have made my decision. I am going to get a couple of posters of one of the most intelligent and thoughtful woman I can think of. And I am pretty sure Wifey won’t mind either.

So if any of you out there in the cyber world know where I can get a poster of Judge Judy I would really appreciate it.

That should keep the wild drunks in my garage at bay…………….

A New Cable Channel…………..

That’s what I thought at first. I then realized it was the STSOY (Scare the Shit Outta You) channel. Formerly known as the History Channel.

It seems that the History Channel runs out of their spectacular programing every now and them and needs to rise to a lower level and start showing programs that document every conceivable threat to humanity.

Sure the earth could be in the path of a huge asteroid. We also may get zapped by a killer gamma ray burst. Super volcanoes have erupted in the past and there have been continent wide plagues as recently as the 1400s. This is the stuff of history and should be studied and learned from. Maybe if we are really clever we might be able to prevent, or at least, learn to cope with these disasters when they do happen.

This weeks fare on the History Channel is pure fecal fantasy.

Super hurricanes that are 2,000 (two thousand) miles wide with 500+mph winds? When has that ever happened? Robotic intelligence taking over the planet? I’ll even throw in global warming to this stewpot as it is a farce as well. Some of these future and farcical disasters rival the plot of Bartholomew and the Oobleck. Go ahead. Read that one. I dare you!

Why can’t anyone just stick to what they do best? There is a Science Fiction Channel on cable. Leave the speculative nonsense to them. Even though they cancelled Tripping the Rift they do a pretty good job of showcasing the future possibilities of our silly species.

Maybe I should write the short story of the Velveeta Asteroid hitting the earth.

Stay Tuned………………..

Chuckie’s Favorite Movies…………

In no particular order:

Mutiny on the Bounty

The Corpse Grinders

The Mosquito Coast

The African Queen

Sometimes a Great Notion

Treasure of the Sierra Madre

The Birds

Ben Hur

Mystery Alaska

Caddyshack

Lawrence of Arabia

Planet of the Apes (Original, The remake sucked)

Soylent Green

The Maltese Falcon

Psycho (Ditto on the remakes)

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

Dr. Strangelove

Heavy Metal

Beerfest! (Saw this one coming didn’t ya!)

Master and Commander, Far Side of the World

Casablanca

Blazing Saddles

The Stand

Cool Hand Luke

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (Yes I spelled it that way on purpose)

Mary Poppins

Apocalypse Now

Sahara

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Pirates of the Caribbean (Just the first one)

The Godfather

Mars Attacks

I have to stop here. I have seen so many movies in my life that I could go on forever. I will post a listing of the movies that make me gag in another post. Who knows, it’s raining here today so I might just go on marathon blogging. Hell, no one reads this anyway!

I Hate Small………

Those of you who know me will attest that there isn’t much that I do small. From building Trebuchet’s and cooking pigs to eating pasta I’m a big guy. Does it get me into trouble? Sure has. Who would have thought that five pounds of steak a day on the Adkins Diet would clog my arteries and get me four bypasses? Didn’t do that small either!

What really chaps me is when I am sick. Wifey goes to the store and brings back some Pepto Bismol to try and take care of the problem. A six ounce bottle? Give me a break. If I need to drink that pink Loctite  I am going to need more than six ounces. The directions say something like half an ounce every 4 hours. I drink the whole bottle in a single gulp. And it works.

Same thing with Nyquil. How am I going to take that wonderful green elixir a tablespoon at a time? I need at least two or three swallows to have any effect. And I have to keep at least four 10 oz bottles on the bar for when we get stupid and make Green Hornets! (One shot of Nyquil and one shot cheap vodka over cracked ice)

The point here is we are in America damn it! I should be able to buy the things I need in five gallon buckets or larger. I don’t care what it costs, If I need it I’ll be buying it anyway. I could use a 55 gallon drum of Pepto. At least a drum of Nyquil and for sure a 275 gallon tank of Diet Coke out back. Beer comes in kegs, Why not squirt cheese, or mustard? I would love to have a five gallon bucket of Bosco with a pump in it in the garage. Why can’t I buy a gallon size bottle of Claritin-D for my nose? That stupid little package holds what, ten tablets? And the bastards even put them in those demonic little blister packs that I can't get into anyway.

And don’t even think of getting me started on scoopable kitty litter…………..

I’m Buying a Super Soaker……………

Yup. You heard right. I am going to buy one of those toy water pistols that holds two quarts of water. One that you can pump up to 100 psi and squirt all the way across the yard. I am going to fill it with Welch’s Grape Juice and I am going to hose down every one of those damn religious nut cases that trespasses on my property and knocks on my door.

Let me explain; Wifey and I work nights. We work in a hospital in south Florida in the height of snowbird season. We put up with the sick, the injured, and the faking lonely people all night long. We do this because we are caring human beings and the money is pretty good as well. When we finally get to go home and sleep in the morning we don’t want to be disturbed by some clean cut, bicycle riding, 1965 IBM executive look alike religious nut case. 

“Good afternoon Sir. We would like to talk to you about the Lord Jesus Christ”

“Uh, we work nights and are sleeping right now”

“When would be a good time to come back and talk to you about Jesus Christ?”

“When he walks up to my door with you in person.”

At this point I shut the door and went back to sleep.

I know for a fact it’s illegal to shoot stray raccoons with a paint ball gun.(Don’t ask me how I know this) I wonder what the Sheriff in Okeechobee county would say if I was caught hosing down one of these fools out mining souls for Jesus with a half gallon of Grape Juice? I know for a fact that Welch’s Grape Juice is a bitch to get out of a white cotton dress shirt.

I wonder if The Mormons are allowed to use Oxy-Clean………….

I hate to say I told you so, But………..

Today while I was at lunch, eating my bologna sandwich and strawberry yogurt, it happened. I was watching the TV in the cafeteria at the hospital when the top story on CNN was that our new president was angry at AIG giving their employees a ton of bonus money. In fact, President Dumbshit even went so far as to say all of us Americans should be furious with the execs at AIG acting so irresponsibly.

Wait a minute here. We the people should be furious with the AIG folks for pissing away the money the government gave them? Didn’t AIG make their own puddle? Shouldn’t they get to sleep in it? Didn’t they screw up their business and drive themselves to the brink of bankruptcy? 

DIDN’T THOSE GOVERNMENT ASSHOLES GIVE THEM ALL THAT MONEY, OUR MONEY, TO BAIL OUT THEIR FAILING BUSINESS?

Seems to me we should be furious with our government representatives for giving all that cash to an organization that has a proven track record of making bad investment and poor decisions. We should have let their business fail.

But all us brainwashed Americans can see is what the news shows us. The stock market had a huge rally this week. The Dow gained almost 400 points! Hot Damn! Our problems are over! Never mind that the market is down 6,000 (that’s six thousand) points in a year and a half. Hell, the stock market has dropped 3,200 points since inauguration day. Now we should be upset that AIG execs gave themselves a ton of our free money?

Pull your head out of the sand. You are being manipulated. They, the government, are diverting your attention away from the fact that they increased your share of the national debt by $15,000. That’s 15K for every man woman and child in America. And they did that in just two short weeks.

Just imagine what kind of crap they can dream up to saddle us with in the next three and a half years.

Sweet Dreams……………..