Including Women and Children………

Israel today launched another airstrike into the Gaza Strip. The attack is retaliation for the terrorist group Hamas firing rockets into Israel.

Good for them.

Hamas has been a deadly, inhuman group of terrorists since they were formed. Remember that they over threw the legitimate government of the Gaza strip much like the Taliban did in Afghanistan. This time they want unlimited border access to Egypt. Instead of trying to negotiate with their neighbors they chose to fire rockets with explosive warheads into Israel.

My take on this?

Israel should bulldoze Gaza into the sea. Period.

I don’t care if they kill women and children, goats and microbes doing it.

How can those in the Muslim world justify Hamas firing cheap, unguided rockets willy nilly into Israel and then complain when Israel retaliates? We are talking thousands of rockets here. Israel doesn’t even respond in kind. They send in the jets to perform precision surgical strikes against the rocket launchers and the Hamas leaders themselves.

The cowardly Muslim extremists have started placing these rocket launchers in schools and mosques knowing Israel won’t target them where civilian casualties would be created. They have no concern for their own children or places of worship.

The answer is simple.

ISRAEL NEEDS TO TAKE THE GLOVES OFF AND START TARGETING CIVILLIAN POPULATION CENTERS IN GAZA.

And the God Damn news media needs to pull their heads outta their asses and tell the story of what is really going on there. Sure a blanket wearing towel head carrying a killed child in the street makes for good TV, but, they did it to themselves.  The American news media needs to show BOTH sides caring for their dead and wounded and ask the question, “Who started this mess?”

If Hamas can attack civilian centers with random, unguided missile attacks then Israel should have no problems targeting population centers in Gaza.

These so called “religious extremists” in Gaza have no regard for human life. It doesn’t matter to them whose. It’s time for Israel to play hardball. Target schools, hospitals, mosques, shopping malls, anywhere there is a population that can be killed. Let the terrorists experience the side of terrorism that they themselves practice. The entire population of Gaza supports the actions of Hamas anyway.

What does the world have to lose by systematically exterminating them?

This would be a great place to use an enhanced radiation thermonuclear weapon. No messy fallout downwind, towards Israel, to worry about. Just clean, efficient gamma ray energy killing every living thing in a 10 mile radius. Israel has them, they should use them.

Don’t get me wrong here, I am not a fan of Israel, nor do I feel they have a divine right to steal land that was owned and lived on for thousands of years by another people.

But when Hamas starts firing unguided missiles into population centers without concern for who or what they destroy it’s time to unleash the hounds.

I hope Israel exterminates every single one of those bastards. The world would be better for it, and the news could get back to what’s important.

Like the Twinkies shortage……..

The Twinkie Manifesto.........

“Uncle Chuckie, Tell us again about the Twinkies, please?”

Well Children, it all started a long time ago, So long ago no one really remembers when or how. Twinkies were just always there. We all envied the kids who had those little cream filled golden cakes in their lunch boxes. They were the ones with the cool parents.

People Loved their Twinkies. They were individually wrapped in plastic and they were stuck to a little piece of wax coated cardboard so they wouldn’t get smooshed on the shelf.  When you opened the packaged and pried the cake off of the  cardboard, you would get to lick the sticky cake off the cardboard. That was the best part!

People used to do all kinds of things with Twinkies. They would bake with them, freeze them for future use, dip them in chocolate, some people even performed horrible experiments on them. http://www.twinkiesproject.com/

The best thing anyone ever came up with was the FRIED TWINKIE.

The sweet and sticky crème filled cake was dipped in a bland batter, not unlike onion ring batter, and deep fried in 350° oil for a couple minutes. What this did was form a hard shell around the cake and caramelized the sugar in the cake and filling. It was a gooey delicious mess that left you craving a half gallon of cold milk and, you guessed it, another fried Twinkie.

Truly this was America at it’s greatest.

But trouble was looming for the Hostess company who made the Twinkie. The evil, money grubbing unions moved in and started demanding higher wages and ridiculous pension demands on the company. Other companies were making snack cakes and gaining market share. Hostess was forced to declare bankruptcy to protect themselves from their creditors while they desperately tried to reorganize their business to survive.

At this point, the fools in the baker's union decided to strike. Yes children, you heard me right, the fools that run the baker's union decided to stop working and picket the company who was in bankruptcy and trying to keep their jobs safe. Hostess told the union that if the strike kept going they would have to close  the factories and fire everyone in the company.

And that’s what they did.  Eighteen thousand (18,000) lost their jobs a week before thanksgiving. The union people not only lost their good jobs, they filed for unemployment and medicaide so they became a burden on the whole country’s economy.

“How could someone be so damn stupid Uncle Chuckie?”

Well kids, I honestly don’t know. Some people are just to stupid to be alive, but as long as the government keeps these voters alive we will be saddled with a lot more stupid shit like this.

Would you like to try one? I went and bought a hundred boxes and hid them before the government stepped in and made it a crime to hoard and collect Twinkies.

What a damn shame……

Why? I hear you ask......

“Why is this happening to us” Kate cried. “I dunno” responded Vick at the Miami International Airport. They had been in line for 3 hours now and were surely going to miss their connecting flight home to St. Louis.

“They sure are taking away a lot of people for questioning” Vick said out loud and then immediately regretted speaking .

“Welcome home to The United States. Do you have anything to declare?” the  young well armed border guard said.

“Not a thing”, Vick said. “Why is this line so long today?”

“It’s that new list that came out this week. The one with all the names of the people who wanted to secede from the union.”  Said the young muscular border guard while cradling his H&K MP5 sub machine gun in his lap.

Vick swallowed hard. A sweat started to break on his brow. He had signed the same petition on-line. Could the federal government really be rounding up US Citizens who were impulsive enough to sign their names to that petition?  Were American Citizens really being taken to federal re-education facilities to be trained to follow their government’s orders?  He had heard the rumors but never gave them a second thought.

The last words Vick heard were “Sir, We have a problem”…..

Ladies and Gentlemen:

The founding fathers were simple but extremely intelligent men. They knew that some day our government would grow so big, so impersonal and out of control that ordinary citizens might be forced to once again take up arms to regain or defend their liberty. That is why the second amendment to our great constitution was implemented.

I hope it never has to come to this, but if it does, I sure hope your name isn’t on any Homeland Security Watch list, or other government list of malcontents or patriots. Who do you think will get the first late night knocks on the door and be whisked away in the middle of the night in black government Suburbans, never to be heard from again?

Don’t sign that petition. Don’t do anything that would cause you to be a suspect. You never know who is watching.

Say’s I who is stupid enough to post this on the internet…….

Hep Me, Hep Me……

I saw the headlines today. 300 people lined up to protest a New York’s utility companies response to “Superstorm Sandy”

Hey New York. Tough Shit.

Sound harsh, heartless and uncaring? Maybe we should look at a few facts here and then decided if these folks have a case to bitch or not.

First, remember that New York City is on an island. The highest point is only a couple feet above sea level, same for most of Long Island and all of the NYC boroughs. Being a hugely, over populated and over priced area to live, humans became modern day cliff dwellers living in increasingly taller apartment buildings. With all the huge buildings around, the infrastructure ie: gas lines, electric conduits and steam pipes, telephone and cable had to be located underground.

What happens to areas that are below sea level when a tropical system comes in and there is a storm surge? That’s right, they flood, stranding the cliff dwellers without electricity or any other utilities. Tough shit. You did it to your selves. How do you like that $20,000 a month view of the city now? The news has been reporting that some of those apartment/condos go for up wards of one hundred million dollars! With most of the news organizations based in New York, that's all they have to report about. It's becoming more tedious than the election. The world is losing interest.

To the folks in the outskirts of town, out in the beaches area of New Jersey: sorry, that your homes were taken away by the sea. Did you think they would last forever? You live within a mile of the ocean at sea level and a hurricane takes away everything you own, and then you bitch that no one is coming to your rescue? Are you insane? Hurricanes have been destroying coastal land areas since before the dinosaurs roamed the earth. Just because it hasn’t happened lately doesn’t mean it won’t ever happen again. Do you think your arrogant New Jersey ass was now immune from this all of a sudden?

Those of you who were ordered to evacuate and didn’t and then expected to be rescued don’t realize that you are nothing more than a drain on vital resources and should have been left to die in the storm.  When the beaches in Jacksonville Florida were expected to be hit by Hurricane Floyd, the mayor came on TV and advised everyone who defied the evacuation order to write their name and SS# on their arms in indelible ink so that their bodies could be identified afterwards.  The people here were smart enough to get the message.

You people don’t realize that YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELVES! YOU CHOSE TO LIVE THERE! The silly part is you are expecting, no wrong word, you are DEMANDING that the rest of the country pay the bill for you to clean up and move back to the same areas that were just destroyed.

What really pisses me off are the people on TV bemoaning the fact that no one is there to help them. Bullshit. Thousands of power crews are in your pathetic area from all over the country. The news the other night showed the US Air Force airlifting electrical repair trucks and crews in from as far away as California. These crews are working 18 hour days and most are sleeping in their trucks at night and eating cold cheeseburgers from the Red Cross. Sure you lost the pictures of your Italian grandmothers wedding. But remember, YOU CHOSE TO LIVE THERE. It’s your own damn fault.

Every time the American Red Cross spends a dime to help you it is a “Gift from the American People” Just who do you think you are to say that no one is helping or that the help isn’t enough or timely enough? Just how important do you think you really are?

Yes the storm was a disaster, yes you are suffering, we get it. We are trying to help. How dare you complain that the charity we are supplying isn’t enough or not arriving fast enough to keep you comfortable.

Maybe you should quit acting like the world famous, foul mouthed, selfish asshole New Yorkers you have always been and be a little bit grateful. No one owes you a thing. You were unprepared and ignorant to what was going to happen even though you had a week or more of warning.

And now you are paying the price for it......

Blame it on The Polls….

You folks from Warsaw and Gdansk can relax. I am talking about the political opinion  polls, not you Pollocks in or from Eastern Europe.

Has it ever occurred to ANYONE, besides me, how every time there is an election all the polls seem to “tighten up” as election day draws closer?

A few months out, one candidate is always crushing the life out of his opponent and then there is a gaff or a scandal (or Joe Biden sticking his foot in his mouth) or something else in the news that causes the race to tighten up. Now the race is neck and neck with both candidates having the exact same polling numbers as reported by the news. A "Virtual Dead Heat" is a favorite phrase the talking heads on the news like to say over and over again.

Coincidence? I don’t think so.

It’s all driven by those bastards in the news media.

The television stations and networks make money by selling advertising space to the political parties and candidates. Did I say money? I meant big obscene amounts of money. The closer the race, the more desperate each candidate becomes. We have all heard about certain states that will go to one candidate regardless of what is said or spent. Some of the players concede these states to their opponent and concentrate their cash in key, or “Battleground” states.

Unfortunately, I live in one of those states.

So let’s see here. If a closer race equals more advertising, and you get to control what is broadcast on your news program every night, and you are the one who sets the advertising rates that the candidates are forced to pay to show their assholish commercials on your airwaves, doesn’t it make obvious sense that all you have to do is manipulate the polling data to artificially tighten the race to make more obscene profits from greedy asshole politicians? The closer the race, the more money is spent on advertising. It’s easy to disguise this fraudulent scheme. Just word your polling questions slightly different for each demographic you are polling. You are reporting accurately on the data you obtained, so therefore you can’t get caught or accused of any wrongdoing. You and your TV station win and the viewing public and electorate as a whole eventually lose.

So you see, It isn’t so much the power hungry politicians who are to blame for the septic onslaught that dribbles out of your TV every single commercial break. It’s those money grubbing slime buckets at the TV stations and networks who feed you the steady diet of artificial bullshit to help further line their pockets with cash from the parasitic politicians.

And I haven’t even started on those of you clueless, and lazy folks who have partaken in “Early Voting”. I will address those moron's soon I promise.

Better open a window next time you turn on your TV.

The smell is only going to get worse…….

Where did you hear it first?

 

The 2012 presidential election farce is coming to a close. It’s the incumbent President Barrack Obama vs. Mitt Romney, former governor of Massachusetts. The campaign trail has been long and noisy, and thanks to the Supreme Court's "SuperPAC" ruling, overwhelming in dirty and negative political advertisements.

I live in a “Battleground State” Florida has had over 188 million dollars of TV advertisements bought for this election and we still have two weeks to go!

I was looking at some of my previous posts in this blog and came across  the June 4^th 2009 posting.

http://travelswithchuckie.blogspot.com/2009/06/honeymoon-is-almost-over.html

It’s God Damn scary to look at those numbers and to realize a couple things.

1)   The country is going to Hell

      2)   And even scarier, Chuckie was RIGHT!

“How so?” I hear you cry. Well just look at that previous post and then look at today’s numbers.

October 23 2013

Gold is at    $1,709.00 per ounce

Silver is at    $31.85  per ounce

Platinum is at   $1,573.00 per ounce

Crude Oil is at    $86.00   per barrel

The National Debt figure for November 3 2008 was 10.56 TRILLION Dollars

Today’s (10/23/12) National Debt figure is 16.199 TRILLION Dollars

If THAT doesn’t scare you , you are to fucking stupid to be alive.

To see what a trillion dollars is, reference my earlier post:

http://travelswithchuckie.blogspot.com/2009/11/inflation-without-viagra.html

To view the growing National Debt figures, look at:

http://usdebtclock.org/

The frightening and somewhat upsetting point here is that I have friends who will look at these numbers and either don’t understand their meaning or just bury their heads in the sand and make the minimum payments on their credit cards and continue on as if nothing is happening

And yes, I am getting older and crotchety and don’t have a problem saying,

SEE DUMBASS, I TOLD YOU SO……..

Creatures from The Black Lagoon…..

Fifty thousand years ago Florida was an uninhabited, mosquito-ridden swamp. It was filled with wild animals, snakes and possibly a few graduates from the University of Georgia .  (This period of time was far to advanced for Texas A&M students)

The weather was terrible by our standards. Hot in the summer, cold and clammy in the winter. Tropical weather systems pounded the area drenching, and in some cases, submerging the land with many feet of unrelenting floods. Most of the semi intelligent creatures ran for their lives when the rains came. The less evolved (read as stupid) animals or beings, returned to set up their homes again in the very areas that were devastated by the horrendous weather.

The floods would again come, a few more local species would die off and the circle of life would continue. A cruel and gruesome series of events to be sure, but that didn’t stop the animators at Disney from making a fortune off of it.

Thousands of years passed, the rains still came, numerous species went extinct, and dumb assess are STILL building their homes on Black Creek in Middleburg, Fl.

This year has been a doozie for rain in coastal northeast Florida. To hear the amateur meteorologists’ from Action News Jacksonville talk about it, you would think we all would need to grow fins and gills. The rainfall totals for the year are, I hope you are sitting down for this, within an inch of normal. That’s right, an average amount of rain has hit the ground this year. So what if we got most of it in a three week period. This was and still is a primordial swamp remember?

But not for those folks out in the Black Creek area. No sir. You know the type. The ones with the enlarged foreheads and deep seated eyes. Think of Australopithecus here. You know the type, the same ones who used to smile and giggle when they soiled themselves in the back of the short bus on the way to class in Athens Georgia.

These fools have the nerve to keep breeding, and to make matters worse, they keep relocating to their same fluid plots of cesspool smelling muck where they build houses out of pig shit and sticks.

And that’s OK with me. The world will be a better place upon their extinction.

But wait a minute here. FEMA and the federal government have arrived. The feds are promising a house by house survey of the area, checkbook in hand, to help these idiots rebuild their homesteads on top of the very muck that swallowed their previous ancestors and their dwellings. The only problem here is, the government is carrying YOUR checkbook. Every payday and April 15^th you deposit your hard earned wages into that checking account so some asshole politician can give it to the mindless masses at election time to buy their votes.

Circle of life my ass. Let those fools who build their houses in the swamp ooze into the muck and disappear forever. The are just sucking down vital oxygen that the rest of us could be breathing and keeping the matriculation rates at UGA artificially high.

It’s not like any of them could have read a topographic map before they built their homes there in the first place.  “Oh look here Honey, I found a lovely place in the swamp to build our dream house! It’s surrounded by water! It even smells bad and comes with free snakes and mosquitoes!"

Forget the Zombie Apocalypse. We need to worry about the Dumb Asshole Apocalypse.

It seems to be here already……..

Olympic Herpes……

It’s that time again. You can’t avoid it. It will consume you and ruin your life. It will spread from your television to your internet to your smart phone like an STD. Soon cereal boxes will have the faces of dimwit jocks you have never heard of before, from unknown sports, staring at you in the isles of the food depot.

Of course I am talking about the Olympics. That over blown nonsense that goes on for two weeks every four years. I have blogged about it before (Feb 18 2010) and I still feel the same way.

It started last night when NBC news (Guess which network shelled out two billion dollars (($2,000,000,000.00)) for the rights to bore and infuriate me) aired their closing “Feel Good” story about a chick who is trying to qualify for the 100 meter high hurdles.

All I care about is if she is the fastest at her sport without doping up. That’s it. I don’t care if her mom died when she was a child, I don’t care if she slept in a basement eating used cat food out of a dumpster. All that human interest crap dilutes what the athletes are doing and trying to achieve. Make all the athletes compete naked and don’t disclose their names and nationalities until the race is over. This way the true talent rises to the top and NBC has to show you coverage where the US just might not pull off the miracle win every time.

The United States has the most extensive athletics organization in the world. High school, college and eventually professional levels are all fun to watch, but they should never be mixed together. Letting our NBA stars who make millions a year to act like assholes first and playing basketball second, should not be allowed to play against amateur teams from places like Cameroon or Haiti or Norway. That is the stupidest shit I have ever seen. But you can bet your sweet ass that NBC will show you the preliminary game of basketball between the US and the Dutchy of Grand Fenwick during prime time.

And I sure as hell hope they don’t tap that smug asshole Bob Costas to be their Olympic anchorman again. He makes me want to barf every time I see him. The only sports personality worse than him is Holly Rowe from ESPN. I would rather treat an acute case of hemorrhoids with Tabasco sauce then hear these two losers belch on and on about sports they know nothing about.

I guess I just won’t pay my cable bill during the month of August. College football will not have started yet and watching baseball is about as exciting as watching snails fuck. There is nothing on TV worth a shit until October when the Walking Dead comes back on.

Except for Dallas of course.

Come to think of it, J.R. Ewing does kinda resemble some of the extras on TWD…........

You Want WHAT?

The whole purpose of giving someone a gift is to show them you were thinking of them and wanted to do something nice for them. Unless of course it's your neighbors who allow their dogs to leave their deposits in your yard. Then the gift is to put on gloves and smear the offending matter all over their windshields and front door.

Wifey has learned to never ask me for something at Christmas as she knows that the item will go on my do not consider list. I want her to know I put a lot of thought and care into the present that I give her. She will tell you she has never been disappointed. I bought my brother a can of octopus meat one year for Christmas along with some other cool stuff like a vertical chicken roaster and a pickle picker for getting gherkins out of a jar.

See what I mean? I am Mr. Thoughtful when it comes to buying people gifts. Who else would go to a multi thousand dollar wedding where the gift table was covered with many many thousands of dollars of crystal and silver..........and give the bride and groom as case of motor oil. Synthetic no less. I'm not a cheap skate.

If you are having a baby shower for a baby boy, expect something like a chain saw. If it's a girl, expect a pink chainsaw.

So imagine my horror when my closest friend sent me a wedding invitation and included was a pretty little insert informing us that they were participating in a very nice store's "Bridal Registry".

I'm not stupid, I get it. You register so that everyone knows what you need when you start out your new lives together. You also register so you make sure you don't get thirty seven "George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Machine" burger cookers on your special day.

There are a few problems with this program. The first is that all the spontaneity and loving thoughtfulness is stripped away from the giving process. The second is that the list is always made out by the bride to be and is ALWAYS, repeat for effect, ALWAYS stuff the groom could care less about. Towels, bed linens, cooking weapons and other emasculating gifts are all "Chick Stuff." The third issue is, and this one really bothers me, is that the happy couple can log onto the website and see what has been fulfilled on their wish list. "Look honey we are getting an electric juice extractor from someone who really loves us."

I promise you this much. They will never see my gift coming. No I'm not going to bring them a herd of goats or an automatic weapon of some kind. I would never do anything to embarrass them in public. If it was him alone, I would without hesitation. Multiple times, and I would get it on tape! But I wouldn't do that to the lovely lady that has decided to pledge her life and love to him in front of God in a four hundred year old Catholic mission.

The fact that I know his parents and I am afraid they would kill me has nothing to do with it!

Well.......Maybe a little.............

Ognuno Soffre…….

It’s funny how you look at things when you get older.  Childhood allows, hell demands, you to think silly thoughts and they are somehow fine.

When I was a kid growing up In Avon, Ct. almost every kid on the block had his tonsils out the same summer. Stories of huge piles of ice cream and missing school for a week filled my dreams. Then appendicitis was the new scar to have. EVERY kid had that scar except me and my brother. I remember not being picked to be on a basketball team because I didn’t have an appendectomy scar. I could handle not being picked because I sucked at the sport, but to be left out because I was healthy?

Bastards.

As I got older I started to realize how lucky I was as a kid. Parent’s loved each other till the day Mom died. No real accidents to speak of, and no life threatening illnesses. I suppose most of the crap my family had to go through was my fault. For that I am sorry.

I started to take notice of how people acted and responded when they got sick. I mean really sick.. The really life threatening stuff like cancer and heart attacks and strokes. Mom always tried to beat into my head that I was to be the tough one when everyone was hurting and to be there for them. Suffer later, but be a rock for those who needed you to be strong because they couldn’t. I would like to think that I have made her proud.

I have watched a lot of people die during my tenure as a person, both personally and professionally in my medical career. Some were rocks, other’s were little balls of mushy crap that drips between your fingers when you pick it up.  Some people were inspirational in how they handled their personal tragedies, others were pathetic spiteful and hateful.

Regardless of my goofy religious beliefs, I think it’s everyone’s responsibility to make those around you as comfortable and happy while you are dying as you can.  It is going to happen to everyone at one point or another, so we might as well make it as easy as possible.

If I seem indifferent or cold about it when you ask me, it’s not you I promise. I have been living with this knowledge for the last ten years. I am acutely aware of what is happening. I don’t understand the why’s but I do know the how’s and trust me, I’m not OK with it. I am just stuck with it. I am doing everything I can to face this shit with courage and as much style as I can muster. Yes there are bad days where I am more pissed than normal, That’s to be expected.

Let’s all just have fun and dance in the sand before the music gets turned off or the lights go out and our parents make us come in out of the rain.

Here In My Car………

I feel safest of all, I can lock all my doors, It’s the only way to live….

I know I know. I don’t normally go around quoting Gary Numan disco songs from the 1980s, but it’s true.

Cars I have owned in my 52 years:

1.              1964 Ford Fairlane Sports Coup

2.              1981 Subaru Wagon 4WD (Cyclops)

3.              1982 Subaru Turbo Coupe 4WD

4.              1974 Ford LTD (Dorf)

5.              1977 MGB

6.              1983 Ford Bronco SLT (Big Black Bastard)

7.              1982 Mazda RX-7 GSL-SE (Rice Rocket)

8.              1982 Audi Coupe of some unknown kind

9.              1981 Pontiac Grand Prix

10.          1985 Chevy Diesel Conversion Van (Otamot)

11.          1986 Subaru Hatchback 4WD

12.          1980 Datsun Pick Up

13.          1986 Jeep Wrangler Sahara Edition

14.          1980 Ford Ranger Pick Up

15.          1981 Ford F-150 Pickup Lease then Purchased (MCF)

16.          1989 Ford  F-250 Pickup Truck Super Duty Super Crew 4WD (Behemoth)

17.          2002 Volkswagen Diesel New Beetle (Presently Owned) (Der Stuka)

18.          1999 Dodge Ram Conversion Van (Presently Owned) (Green Turd)

Best Mileage:   Diesel New Beetle      44-46 mpg Hwy

Worst Mileage:   1989 Ford F-250 Pickup 4WD     12-15 Hwy.

Fastest:   1982 Mazda RX-7 Rotary 13B engine    135 MPH (RADAR Clocked 4th gear)

Cheapest:   1964 Ford Fairlane Sports Coupe. Mimi sold it to me for $1.00

Most Expensive:   1989 Ford F-250   $25,000

Most Hated:     1981 Pontiac Grand Prix

Most Loved and Pampered:   2002 Diesel New Beetle

I’m not a “Car Guy” I never really gave a crap about my cars until I had the Mazda sports car. Then I fell in love with that rush of speed that flying  4 inches off the ground at a hundred miles an hour can give you. It didn’t handle that well though which always scared me, and 9,000 rpm in first gear was a little crazy.

My favorite car, and I have no idea why, is the 2002 VW Diesel New Beetle that I drive now. Being a diesel it hits maximum torque (power) at 1700 RPMs. A Porsche needs to get to 4,000 RPM to get the same power. It’s quick, turns on a dime, Handles like a formula 1 race car and gets 44-46 MPG on the highway.

We just took Der Stuka (his name) through one of the most thrilling and treacherous roads in the world. US Highway 129 in North Carolina and Tennessee. It’s referred to as the Tail of The Dragon. 318 curves in 11 miles. My beetle with it’s low end torque was running away from most of the motorcycles and sports cars we came across. On a road where the maximum speed limit is 30 mph we had 270° turns we took at 50.

And remember. I’m not a “Car Guy”!

My Precious Water Supply…….

Well, as I documented a few days ago, the Zombie Apocalypse seems to be starting. I have my food ready, My defensive measures are in place, Bug Out Bag ready to go, I have my water jugs filled and sanitized, and I just bought some more condoms.

That’s right, condoms.

Now those of you who know me understand that I am a pretty brittle diabetic with a heart condition, so it’s obvious the condoms aren’t going to be used for their original purpose.

Dammit.

The condoms serve as emergency water containers. If you fill one up carefully it will hold almost a gallon of fresh water. Wrap this in a towel or a handkerchief and it becomes a lot tougher and harder to break. A box of 12 cost’s about $11.00. That’s a water storage vessel that weighs less than a tenth of an ounce, and holds a gallon for under a buck.

Don’t buy the fancy ones either. 25 years ago when you talked that really hot chick into coming back to your dorm room with you it was imperative to stop by the drug store and get some of those expensive lamb skin condoms. You had to make sure you brought her inside with you so A) everyone knew you were the man scoring such a hot chick, and B) She saw that you were going to spend at least $3.00 a pop on the evenings entertainment and her satisfaction. If you were extremely lucky you got out with dinner at a steak joint, a nice movie and $9.00 worth of heaven. A very good Saturday night indeed.

The less than stunning (ugly) girls got dinner at Taco Bell, a drive in movie, and the 25¢ condom that came prepackaged a dozen at a whack in a brown paper bag so no one knew what you were purchasing.

When buying them for water storage you need to make sure they aren’t loaded up with a spermicidal goo, and aren’t made of some domestic animals intestines. It is also extremely important you buy the Latex NON LUBRICATED kind!

Nothing would suck worse than being killed and eaten by a Zombie because you were sitting on a log, pants around your ankles, struggling with explosive diarrhea because you drank from a condom coated with WD-40 or what ever that slippery shit is.

And make damn sure your old college and high school conquests don’t read this!

That might even suck worse than the Zombie attack.......

Pseudo Weathermen……….

I suppose with the plethora of online clown colleges that are popping up all over the place it was inevitable that we would get lazy and dimwitted weathermen one of these days. There are some pretty crappy weatherbabes out there as well. They sure do fill out their sweaters nicely though. I guess that’s an important criteria these days.

Here we are in North Florida. It’s a couple days before Hurricane season starts and there is a storm brewing off the South Carolina coast. It’s headed towards Jacksonville where Chuckie lives. Of course I am all over the Internet getting the latest information from the National Hurricane Center and their NOAA RECON planes and buoys. It is beginning to look like a pretty formidable storm.

On TV meanwhile we have “Jacksonville’s Most Accurate Weather Forecaster” standing in front of a green screen pretending he’s the one and only weather God himself. He waves his arms around, points at imaginary buttons on the screen that are supposed to show where and when it’s going to rain.

We then cut to a really professional looking graphic that has all sorts of pretty colors on it that tells us the temperature for the up coming week and the chances for rain each day.

That’s it. A spoon fed weather report aimed towards the Nintendo generation of booger eating morons in the viewing audience. Oh and don’t forget the all important Rip Current Advisory that will be in effect while the near hurricane strength storm is approaching. (Why even post a warning like this? If you are stupid enough to go swimming in this tropical storm you deserve to die anyway)

YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE A WEATHERMAN. WHERE IS THE BAROMETRIC PRESSURE? WHERE IS THE HUMIDITY, WHERE’S THE DEWPOINT? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THESE THINGS ARE?

I wrote the station once and was informed in a very polite letter that the viewing audience was more “Visually oriented” and management had decided to leave the barometer readings off the nightly weather report. They also thanked me for watching.

What kind of shit is that? Why even list the temperature then? Just put a picture of a penguin up there for me to look at and see that it’s going to be cold tomorrow. We live next to the ocean. We have a lot of boaters here. List the barometric pressure on the weather forecast. What kind of idiots are you?

I didn’t list Mike Buresh’s name here to be polite.

I now watch Tim Deegan’s weather report because even though he went to Texas A&M, he is smart enough to recognize that his viewing audience just might be more advanced then most 4^th grade science students. And from what I have documented in my weather log for my location, he is more often correct than the other guys.

At least I get to see pictures of cats in trees and sunsets after Mike's weather is done.

Just what I needed.................... 

Standing My Ground……..

I just realized something, well a couple things actually. I haven’t posted anything in my blog for over a year. And for the first time in my life I can say what I think without repercussions. Oh sure I pissed off some friends and family before, but I had to worry about saying things that would piss off an employer or a co-worker.

Not anymore.

Probably the only folks I shouldn’t piss off now are the Wifey and my Doctors (Who I love dearly) My friends know me and know how I am anyway. The ones that are still around understand. The others? Fugum.

What got me going on this thread was a story I saw on the news last night. Apparently some dumb-ass kid in Miami thought it would be funny to dress up like a Zombie and scare the shit out of random people as they walked down the street. With the recent cannibalistic attack in Miami last week I suppose he thought it was funny

My advise to those who don’t know me is to not try this with Chuckie.

In the last few months I have read more than 25 Zombie books and seen a half dozen Zombie movies. Those who know me well are already aware I am well armed. (Everyone calls you a gun nut until the Zombies actually do start attacking. Then you are a hero.)

All of the material I have absorbed points to one, and only one, defense against an attacking somnambulist. That is to shoot them in the head or destroy the brain by whatever means possible. Machete, shovel, crossbow, assault rifle it doesn’t matter. Kill the brain and the Zombie dies for good.

And guess what? I even live in Florida so I can get away with it legally. Not that a sitting jury would ever convict a citizen for defending himself against having his face eaten off or his body consumed while he was still alive.

Yes my constant and deprived readers,

Chuckie has returned

The Next Food Network Star…………….

That’s right boys and girls. You heard it here first. I am going to be the next Food Network Star!

The executives at the Food Network heard that I was thinking about entering the annual contest and decided that my credentials and experience with fine cuisine proved worthy enough of just handing me the title and my own show. No need to spend the money on production costs and time consuming interviews of other candidates.

The Show’s title? Cooking with Chuckie, naturally. It sort of rolls off the tongue don’t you think?

The show would be filmed in my apartment where all of my secret recipes and cooking tools/weapons reside. I, of course, would be wearing multi-colored camouflage fatigues with my favorite t-shirt and Tilly hat.

We would start each show with a toast made with a new and exciting cocktail of my own invention. Some examples would be the Green Hornet, Nyquil and vodka, or maybe the Pink Panther, Pepto Bismol and Myers rum. Maybe we would even take a guest suggestion for a cocktail. Send me your ideas.

Next we would move into the appetizer portion of the show. Deep fried bacon wrapped bacon bites and deep fried jalapeno slices wrapped in cheese and bacon, and maybe even tater tots stapled to a jalapeno and hunk of cheese wrapped in bacon and then deep fried.

There will be no salad course as all of the available lettuce in America is picked by illegal immigrants and we all know that they wipe their asses in the field with it. No one is getting eColi from my kitchen!

For the entrée of show number one we would serve my world famous Ragu and oatmeal concrete casserole complete with cheddar cheese and bacon. It's bathed in a delicious, but delicate, bacon grease and mayonnaise reduction and garnished with a sprinkle of Parmesan cheese and some real bacon bits. I was also thinking of a new style "Super Burger" made from Kobe beef imported from the Fukishima district of Japan. This burger would not only cook itself but it would glow in the dark so you could eat it at night in the dark while saving the planet and reducing your carbon footprint. Stay tuned for the "Bacon Super Burger".

Desert would have to be my world renowned vanilla Moon Pie deep fried in pure bacon fat heated over a wood burning camp fire under a full moon.

Yes boys and girls it will be an amazing show. Who knows? Maybe HBO will make me an offer for a series to replace the Soprano’s.

I’ma gonna be a Star!

The Energy Fraud Task Force……..

is about the stupidest thing I have ever heard come out of a politician’s mouth. You can always tell when an election is coming around. Mostly by the smell of pig shit in the air, but also by the sophistication of the lies dreamed up by these political assholes who think we are all stupid. They may even be right.

The presidential task force to look into the energy costs is a complete waste of time. Why are the gas and oil prices going up? They could interview me for a couple hundred bucks and I would tell them. Think of the money that would save?

“Why are gas prices going up?” I hear you cry. I’ll tell you for free.

The world’s oil production is about the same in barrels per day as it was ten years ago. This is production not crude supply. The United States hasn’t built a new oil refinery in over 30 years. If you can’t refine it into usable fuel it doesn’t matter how much you have stored up. With the Chinese finally joining the 20th century, all those little yellow bastards are trading in their bicycles for cars. More demand for the same amount of oil world wide means prices go up.

The instability in the Middle East doesn’t help matters either. If an oil producing country loses a couple of refineries or worse a major pipeline or worse yet a whole seaport, supply is affected. Prices go up.

Summer automobile travel in the northern hemisphere increases demand for the same amount of oil, therefore, prices go up.

But the really nasty reason that these dirt bag politicians won’t tell you is IT’S THEIR DAMN FAULT!

Oil on the world market is traded in US dollars. The reason is that we here in America pretty much pioneered the oil industry. You don’t think the Arabs knew how to find and get oil out of the ground by them selves do you? Hell, they would still be in tents in the sand if it were not for western engineering and drilling knowledge. Lesson one in how to screw yourself.

The politicians have dicked up the American economy so badly that the US dollar is only worth about forty percent (40%) of what it was ten years ago. We now have a 15 trillion dollar deficit. (See my previous lecture on how much a trillion is, November 27, 2009)

Our money isn’t worth a shit anymore. So therefore, if our cash is only worth half of what it was, the products it will now buy cost roughly twice as much. And unlike the temporary effects of Middle Eastern squabbles, accidental oil spills and the occasional hurricane, the deficit and money problem will last and only grow worse with time. These higher oil prices may not go back down anytime soon, if ever.

All of the political assholes in Washington are at fault and have been since Nixon was in office. It’s not going change because it can’t.

Yup. It’s election time again here in America. Take a good whiff of the future.

I wish it smelled more like bacon instead of pig shit.

I like bacon…………

Amazing Things………

I have a bookshelf in my home designated for amazing things. Some of the items there are very rare. In fact, some of the rarest items on earth. Others mean nothing to anyone but Wifey and I. Thus, I am constantly looking for new stuff to reside there in my little hall of fame. I guess I am something of a hoarder in a limited sense. I stay up late at night fondling and worshiping these little pieces of what some would call crap.

“What kind of stuff?” I hear you cry? Well let’s see. I’ll list a few of them to take up more space and make this posting look longer than it really is.

1. A belaying pin from the HMS Bounty used in the 1960 film.
2. A Victoreen Geiger counter from the cold war days (still works).
3. A copy on VHS of “In the Wake of the Bounty”. One of the rarest films in the world. Erroll Flynn’s first film role.
4. About 2 pennyweights of gold Wifey and I mined in North Carolina.
5. A small sample of Trinitite from the first atomic bomb test in New Mexico.
6. Grandpa Bob’s old Hamilton wristwatch.
7. A 4 inch steel gold pan.
8. A small vial of Super Yeast a friend makes homemade bourbon with.
9. A Texas Paramedic pin.
10. A chrome finished early model Jacobs chuck.
11. A hunk of Amethyst Wifey found.
12. A few beach rocks I found and glued together from Emerald Isle.
13. A small urn/chest with L.T’s cremains.
14. A small chip of both Martian and Lunar meteorites given to us by an old friend.
15. A Siegfried and Roy poker chip from The Mirage in Las Vegas.
16. A small Buddha bottle of Damiana, a Mexican liquor. Aphrodisiac?
17. A finder scope from an old Criterion Dynascope RV-6 Telescope.
18. A spare O-ring for the Margarita keg.
19. A small wizard pewter statue for when I play Monopoly.
20. An 8x10 picture of the 1952 Cummins Diesel Special race car at Indianapolis.
21. A matchbook from the Travelodge in Biloxi Mississippi.
22. A drumstick signed by Java and Rah from Here Come The Mummies.

So there you have it. A summary of stuff that probably has no meaning to anyone except Wifey and myself.

Are there things I still want? Hell yeah. I want a piece of Chernobylite and maybe someday a chunk of Fukushimaite. I’d like Neil Armstrong’s golf ball he hit on the moon. I want a dinosaur bone. I’d really like a water geode.

I also have an alarm system and a pretty good collection of nasty firearms scattered through the house that I am quite proficient in using just in case this posting gives anyone some crazy ideas about taking my amazing things…………

Not On My Dime…..

I have chosen to forgo having telephone service in my home. I was tired of paying all that money for a service I rarely used. The Internet comes in over the cable and I don’t need to have a data line for a fax machine anymore. Hell, even Domino's can now recognize my phone number on their caller ID so getting a pizza isn’t even a hassle anymore.

The other beautiful thing about a cell phone is that my number will stay the same wherever I go. I can be at Joe’s house in San Antonio or my dad’s house in North Carolina and if you dial me up I will answer. Most of the time.

The first cell phone I had was paid for by the bank I worked at. When I separated from the bank (was let go, bastards) I kept the phone but had to pay for it myself. The plan was amazing. World wide unlimited calling for about seventy-five ($75.00) bucks. The first month I used about 25 minutes of airtime. Yes I was getting reamed and didn’t even think about it.

Soon I realized my mistake and went out and got a pay as you go phone. I simply put about fifty ($50.00) dollars into my account with Net-10 and I get 500 minutes worth of time. If it takes 6 months or 6 days to use up I just add more when I need to no contract and no commitment.

So what’s the problem?

This damn citywide election that’s what. Any election really.

I pay for my cell phone for my convenience. I use it for what I want to when I want to. And I will be dammed if I let some two-bit politician call me at 10 cents a minute from a God dammed automated dialing system to try and hustle a vote from me.

Warren Lee, you ASSHOLE, you owe me ten cents for that call to my cell phone tonight. You were the first to accost me over the cell phone I pay for so you get the honor of being the first one to get an invoice from me. I am sure there will be others and they will get the same treatment.

It’s about time these venereal, sleaze ball political assholes realize that they can’t get away with the same old shit they have been shoveling on us for years.

I will send that prick an invoice for my cell usage and I will keep you posted. I am sure none of them will see my blog as it would take maybe an ounce of intelligence to comprehend it, so maybe I will just copy this to the local newspaper instead.

I have only just begun to fight……..

“Lurking for millions of years…”

The recent seismic events affecting the island of Honshu have jolted me out of my blogging funk.

Yes Fan’s, Chuckie has returned.

The Japanese earthquake disaster can be broken down into a few distinct phases.

Phase 1 was the earthquake itself. Unprecedented in modern times, never before has a developed civilization undergone a disaster of such biblical proportions. Except for maybe Pompeii, and that one really sucked.

Phase 2 was when the Tsunami washed ashore. Water weighs a little over 1,800 pounds per cubic yard. Moving at 45 miles an hour over land this 30 foot high wave brushed aside anything in its path easily. It drowned anything that lived through the initial quake jolt.

Phase 3 is the ongoing atomic scenario playing out at the Fukushima Dai-chi nuclear power plant. I say atomic to differentiate between the fission and fusion processes related to nuclear energy. If you don’t understand the difference maybe you should have paid a little more attention in science class in high school instead of banging cheerleaders and/or football players. I am sure all the dope you smoked didn't help much either.

The destruction that has occurred is beyond imagination. The potential for health problems if those reactors melt down and release a cloud of radioactivity into the atmosphere is also beyond comprehension.

So as long as we are dealing with beyond imagination scenarios, I submit for your approval:

Phase 4

“Lurking for millions of years, encased in a block of ice, evil incarnate, waiting to be melted down and to rise again.”

GODZILLA!

Godzilla has torn up Japan 28 times since the Castle Bravo thermonuclear test at Bikini atoll in 1954. Hell, he even made it to New York City recently.

Imagine how much fun that skinny obnoxious prick Anderson Cooper from CNN is going to have with that news story.

Thanks to Blue Oyster Cult for the quote and remember where you heard it first.

The Answer is…………

The answer is so simple. It is a beautiful solution to a good chunk of the problems facing this country today. I am surprised it took me this long to think of it.

We have an extreme unemployment emergency in this country. People can’t find work and yet we still have hundreds of immigrants streaming over the fence, through the tunnels and smuggled into this country in automobile trunks every day.

The majority of crops picked in this country in the south are harvested by illegal aliens in the border states. This puts a drain on the Welfare and Medicaid systems in those states and the federal government refuses to step in and help. The democrats in power see these leeches as future voters. If the feds are going to require your state to accept these refugees they should at least allow your state to police them and send them back when they break our laws. I fully support the state of Arizona.

Notice how the news media has been reporting more and more cases of e-coli bacteria infections from crops grown in the southern states? Lettuce and spinach and assorted other crops have been affected. Am I the only one to see the pattern here? The illegal immigrants are wiping their asses with the lettuce they pick to send to us to eat! When was the last time the news reported a wetback with e-coli? Haven’t heard that one yet from CNN have you?

I think it’s time we stood up in this country. Close the borders once and for all from the invasion of illegal immigrants. If you come to this country striving for the American Dream you have my respect and support. Register here, meld into our society and help make this country great. I salute you. My ancestors did on both sides of my family tree.

Until then lets put the army on the border with orders to shoot to kill anyone crossing without proper authorization. How many people would attempt to cross illegally into our great country if a few were shown dangling on the wire where they were stopped before they made it across.

Do the same thing with looters in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. Caught stealing Rolexes from a jewelry store? Bang. Problem solved.

And the illegal, law breaking immigrants that are already here? What do we do with them when we catch them?

Simple answer.

Soylent Brown.

Spicy and available every Thursday…………