“Since human beings are the second worse offenders on the planet (after the flatulent bovine species) it is important that we impose newer and tougher Carbon standards on the American public” The President stated.
These new standards limit the total amount of Carbon emissions allowed per person. Automobiles will only be allowed to operate for 15 minutes a day, Electricity for heating and cooking will be on for 15 minutes per day. Household thermostats will be set at 90 degrees in the summer and 36 degrees in the winter.
The most controversial measure mentioned in the official report seems to be the idea that all Americans will have a Carbon Emission Meter (CEM) implanted in their chests. This device will allow the federal government the ability to monitor the levels of Carbon Dioxide each American creates when exhaling.
Exhaling is considered an important component of the breathing process.
The report goes on to say that this device will also give the government the ability to control the respiratory rates of the public in order to control the levels of dangerous Carbon Dioxide in the atmosphere.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi commented, “This will be a great tool for members of congress to control the tone and attitudes of their electorate during over enthusiastic and vocal town meetings.
The President’s new Health and Eugenics Czar, Dr. Josef Mengele stated: “Another benefit of the CEM will be the government’s ability to control health care costs for the new Single Payer Government Health Care Program. We will be able to remotely shut down members of this great society who are no longer productive and are a drain on the government’s health care resources.”
The only drawback to the system identified by the report would be the threat that computer hackers would be able to shut down the members of congress and even the President himself. Dr. Mengele responded; ”Don’t be silly. Members of congress and key members of the Obama Administration would not have the new implants. You don’t expect that the leaders of this new and reformed
Aldous Huxley would be proud…….