Sunday, January 29, 2017

The TPP.....

You knew it would only be a matter of time before I had to put fingers to keyboard about the TPP. It’s been the top story in the news lately. You can’t even pick up your phone without someone commenting on the TPP.

What’s the big deal? I have spent years thinking up the TPP. The final concept came to me just a few weeks ago when Wifey picked up her new insulin pump. The idea is simple, efficient and most importantly will not be effected by the proposed trade restrictions and tariffs with Mexico.

Confused yet? Don’t worry, all will become clear shortly. All you have to do is keep reading and keep an open mind.

The Tequila Pump Project: (TPP)

Did you think I was talking about the Trans Pacific Partnership trade agreement or something? How little you know me!

I came up with this idea years ago as a way to cut down on costly Tequila imports into the United States. Now that President Dimwit has decided to tax all Mexican imports into the country my idea makes even more sense. A safer and more economical way to infuse felony juice into the American consumer is what we have all been screaming for! 

What we need to develop is an infusion pump that injects Tequila right into the brain. A small catheter could be introduced into the carotid artery. This is connected to the pump where tiny amounts of purified Tequila could be injected into the blood stream that goes directly to the brain’s incarceration center.

Why drink Tequila and have to involve all the digestive organs just to get the elixir to your body's control center? That’s old school thinking. With this system in place less that a tenth of an ounce of that Mexican pleasure juice could have the same jail inducing effects that drinking 10-15 margaritas causes. No more nausea, vomiting, and best of all, an almost un-measurable blood alcohol reading. You breath wouldn’t even smell of the stuff! “No officer, I haven’t been drinking tonight”.

The cost savings would be enormous as well. Instead of drinking ten to twelve shots to get whacked you would only use a tiny amount of the elixir of doom. A quart of Tequila could produce maybe 300 plus doses of crime inducing euphoria versus five or six jail terms if you just drank it straight from the bottle. Why attempt to raise the blood alcohol level in all eight to twelve pints of blood in the human body when you only need to target a very small area in the brain. That’s like turning on the whole sprinkler system to water just one tomato plant. Am I right here? We would even be doing the planet a favor as we would reduce the number of liquor bottles clogging up our precious landfill space.

Best of all, at a party or any social function all you would have to do is press the button on your pump and bang, instant drunkenness. Immediate disorientation with loss of memory and inhibitions when your dumb shit valve gets chemically forced wide open. There could even be a smart phone app that could be voice activated. “Siri, activate felony juice and criminal behavior mode”. Think of the fun you could have if you hacked your date’s TPP system! Talk about a "Bloomer Dropper"!

(Bloomers are panties for those of you born later than 1979)

The possibilities are as exciting as they are endless. The only questions are when we can get this implemented and how much will it cost?

And probably the most mind numbing question of all is “Why did it have to be me to think of it?”



Monday, January 16, 2017

I Can Feel It Coming in the Air Tonight...

What is it with the song titles in my BLOGS these days?

Imagine it’s 79 AD. You live in a bustling city by the sea. An important tourist and commercial city. A center of commerce, art, shipping, manufacturing and culture. Life is good. You wake every morning after the previous night’s debauchery and rise to a nutritious and delicious breakfast then bathe and dress for the day. You make your way to your place of business, but, something is amiss.

There is the unfamiliar odor of rotten eggs in the air and it seems that there is a light snow falling. The minor earthquakes that you have been experiencing for the last couple of months seem to have suddenly abated. "What the hell is going on?" runs through your mind at 500 miles per hour. Almost as fast as the choking and deadly pyroclastic flow that is coming from the mountain next to your beautiful city is moving. The deadly cloud is made up of rock, volcanic ash, miscellaneous debris and poisonous gasses. All at over five hundred degrees fahrenheit (500°f). It is streaking towards the city, YOUR CITY, at 600 miles per hour killing, incinerating and burying everything in it’s path at the speed of a jet airliner.

Of course you die. You are instantly killed right were you are standing. That mysterious and fine “snow” that you witnessed falling in the 70° weather was actually volcanic ash. Not ash really, but razor sharp microscopic particles of glass-like rock dust that shredded the inside of your lungs with every breath you tried to take. The snow continues to fall and there is the silence of a grave yard decending upon the city that you once called home. Mt. Vesuvius was a beautiful neighbor. Your home had a magnificent view of it’s gorgeous snow covered peaks. The orange and red hues that covered the mountain when the sun set were breathtaking. Almost as breathtaking as the ash in your lungs that killed you. The same ash that has now has entombed you right where you collapsed. “Maybe somebody will discover my body buried under this twelve to twenty feet of ask/rock in two thousand years” is something that might have run through your mind. It’s doubtful though.

Why the hell would I type this today? Pretty simple really. I just got back from a one day trip to Seattle Washington. 

WHERE THE SAME THING IS GOING TO HAPPEN ONE OF THESE DAYS! (read it again and again until it sinks in)

Yes Seattle, That bustling city. Home of Amazon, Boeing, Starbucks, and the 12th Man (which they stole from Texas A&M) You see, Seattle and Tacoma are sitting at the base of Mt. Rainier. A Volcano that the locals will say is extinct and the geologists say is active or dormant at the very least. The geologists even say it has a high potential for eruption. The same category Mt. St Helens is in presently. The mountain was once a beautiful cone shaped beast resembling Mt. Fuji in Japan, until it exploded. And what an explosion it was! Probably about the size of Mt. St. Helens in May of 1980. The resulting structure has reformed somewhat. The classical Mt. Fuji shape is gone and what is left is an active, growing pile of steaming rubble covered in snow three miles high. The structure of the mountain has grown weaker with it’s swelling and pulsing. The snow load on the peak is incredible due to it’s fourteen thousand foot plus (14,000'+) summit. Every now and then you can see steam actually rising from the “Vents” in the mountain. It is a modern day cataclysmic time bomb. A disaster of biblical proportions waiting to happen, again.

Pompeii had a population of about eleven thousand (11,000) people in 79 AD. 

There are over seven hundred thousand (700,000) residents in Seattle. Tacoma has about two hundred fifty thousand (250,00).

In Summary:

There are close to a million people living a few miles from an active and unstable volcano in the pacific northwest. This is a vital and vibrant metropolitan area in the most technologically advanced country the world has ever seen. When I asked a local riding on the light rail train to the airport about it, her reply was “But it is so pretty”.

Hey wait a minute, Isn’t That where Microsoft has it’s headquarters?

Who would have thought that a five hundred degree (500°) pyroclastic cloud killing and burning everything in it’s path would have a silver lining?




It's Only Just Begun..

Nope. This is not about the musings of some anorexic pop singer from the 70's.

It's political. Sorry about that.

It’s now four days until our new president is sworn in and already the shit is starting to hit the fan. This time it’s coming from all directions simultaneously. Thank you American Journalists.

The dimwits who voted for Hillary Clinton are still doing everything they can think of to de-legitimize Trump’s campaign and election. The latest, and most hypocritical, battle cry is that the Russians hacked a bunch of computers at the Deomocrat’s headquarters and used the information gleaned to sway the American electorate’s opinions and votes. It is now widely reported that the Russians hacked the Republicans in this election as well. Did they try to sway the election in favor of Donald Trump? Sure. Why not? The deafening cry of “That’s not fair!” is echoing through the land. How dare the Russians do this to our hallowed and sacred election process. We would never do ANYTHING like this.

Excuse me if I say bullshit.

BULLSHIT! 
(I feel better now. Thank you.)

Have you forgotten when our most holy and immaculate president Obama spent a little over 300 million dollars trying to disgrace and de-legitimize Israel’s prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu? After the hostile rhetoric that was daily heaped on Israel by the President and his foul cabinet, the prime minister of Israel (our most important and greatest ally in the entire middle east) Mr. Netanyahu came to visit the United States to straighten things out between two of the world’s greatest nuclear powers. What did our Dipshit in Chief do? He refused to clear up his schedule to meet with his ally. He also condemned Mr. Netanyahu for meeting with the United States congress and began a media campaign in Israel attempting to discredit the current prime minister in his re-election campaign. How is this any different from what the Russians tried to do in our last election? Thank heavens that this is the last year we have to endure Obama’s March Madness bracket picks while the world is going to hell in a handbasket.

Sure Mr. Trump won the electoral college vote but didn’t win the popular vote. That’s the way our system works. It’s done that way so we don’t succumb to “Mob Rule” I we elected presidents based on popular vote alone we would always have a president who was picked by a small portion of this countries electorate. The huge cites would get all of the campaign funds and attention and it would dilute the power of YOUR vote. Asking the appointed electors to vote against the wishes of they states they represent is not only unethical but illegal in most states.

Pretty much all of our former presidents have kept quiet about the administrations and cabinet picks made by the next president elect. It's the classy thing to do. It shows their level of maturity and that they were taught to respect their peers. Look at the river of diarrhea that has been flowing from this president's mouth since the November election. For the last eight years every time something went wrong or there was a difficult problem to be solved it was former president Bush's fault. It should be fun to listen to Obama squeal like a gutted pig when every problem in the upcoming four years is laid at his doorstep. Place your bets folks. Will he take it quietly and like a man like George Bush Jr. did? I seriously doubt it.

If you think that I am ranting against Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and their supporters you would be correct. This by no means is an endorsement of Donald Trump. Quite the contrary, I think Mr.Trump is as qualified to be president as another quasi famous television star, Arnold Ziffle. The only reason he was elected is that his aura and odor is just a bit less toxic than Ms. Clintons. I am don't know if I am more astound or offended or disgusted that he won the election. Probably the best term would be dumbfounded.

Build a 2,500 mile border wall? Are you Nuts?
Deport 11 million people? Are you nuts?
Impose a 35% tariff on foreign made vehicles. Are you nuts?
Ban immigrants with different religious beliefs from entering the country. Are you nuts?
It's acceptable to grab women by their genitals? Are you nuts?

I didn’t vote for either of these pathological liars. Unfortunately, by my living in The United States and being an American Citizen, Mr. Trump will be my president. I don’t like it one bit. But I will support my country and president when needed. 

I will not attempt to actively undermine his office or the duties he is required to perform. He deserves a chance. A chance to succeed or a chance to fail. I will judge him accordingly then. In the meantime, I wish someone would take his smartphone and/or twitter account away from him. Sometimes the best way to get a point across is to keep your mouth closed and your thoughts to yourself.

Like I am one to talk there!