Saturday, April 23, 2011

The Next Food Network Star…………….

That’s right boys and girls. You heard it here first. I am going to be the next Food Network Star!

The executives at the Food Network heard that I was thinking about entering the annual contest and decided that my credentials and experience with fine cuisine proved worthy enough of just handing me the title and my own show. No need to spend the money on production costs and time consuming interviews of other candidates.

The Show’s title? Cooking with Chuckie, naturally. It sort of rolls off the tongue don’t you think?

The show would be filmed in my apartment where all of my secret recipes and cooking tools/weapons reside. I, of course, would be wearing multi-colored camouflage fatigues with my favorite t-shirt and Tilly hat.

We would start each show with a toast made with a new and exciting cocktail of my own invention. Some examples would be the Green Hornet, Nyquil and vodka, or maybe the Pink Panther, Pepto Bismol and Myers rum. Maybe we would even take a guest suggestion for a cocktail. Send me your ideas.

Next we would move into the appetizer portion of the show. Deep fried bacon wrapped bacon bites and deep fried jalapeno slices wrapped in cheese and bacon, and maybe even tater tots stapled to a jalapeno and hunk of cheese wrapped in bacon and then deep fried.

There will be no salad course as all of the available lettuce in America is picked by illegal immigrants and we all know that they wipe their asses in the field with it. No one is getting eColi from my kitchen!

For the entrée of show number one we would serve my world famous Ragu and oatmeal concrete casserole complete with cheddar cheese and bacon. It's bathed in a delicious, but delicate, bacon grease and mayonnaise reduction and garnished with a sprinkle of Parmesan cheese and some real bacon bits. I was also thinking of a new style "Super Burger" made from Kobe beef imported from the Fukishima district of Japan. This burger would not only cook itself but it would glow in the dark so you could eat it at night in the dark while saving the planet and reducing your carbon footprint. Stay tuned for the "Bacon Super Burger".

Desert would have to be my world renowned vanilla Moon Pie deep fried in pure bacon fat heated over a wood burning camp fire under a full moon.

Yes boys and girls it will be an amazing show. Who knows? Maybe HBO will make me an offer for a series to replace the Soprano’s.

I’ma gonna be a Star!

Friday, April 22, 2011

The Energy Fraud Task Force……..

is about the stupidest thing I have ever heard come out of a politician’s mouth. You can always tell when an election is coming around. Mostly by the smell of pig shit in the air, but also by the sophistication of the lies dreamed up by these political assholes who think we are all stupid. They may even be right.

The presidential task force to look into the energy costs is a complete waste of time. Why are the gas and oil prices going up? They could interview me for a couple hundred bucks and I would tell them. Think of the money that would save?

“Why are gas prices going up?” I hear you cry. I’ll tell you for free.

The world’s oil production is about the same in barrels per day as it was ten years ago. This is production not crude supply. The United States hasn’t built a new oil refinery in over 30 years. If you can’t refine it into usable fuel it doesn’t matter how much you have stored up. With the Chinese finally joining the 20th century, all those little yellow bastards are trading in their bicycles for cars. More demand for the same amount of oil world wide means prices go up.

The instability in the Middle East doesn’t help matters either. If an oil producing country loses a couple of refineries or worse a major pipeline or worse yet a whole seaport, supply is affected. Prices go up.

Summer automobile travel in the northern hemisphere increases demand for the same amount of oil, therefore, prices go up.

But the really nasty reason that these dirt bag politicians won’t tell you is IT’S THEIR DAMN FAULT!

Oil on the world market is traded in US dollars. The reason is that we here in America pretty much pioneered the oil industry. You don’t think the Arabs knew how to find and get oil out of the ground by them selves do you? Hell, they would still be in tents in the sand if it were not for western engineering and drilling knowledge. Lesson one in how to screw yourself.

The politicians have dicked up the American economy so badly that the US dollar is only worth about forty percent (40%) of what it was ten years ago. We now have a 15 trillion dollar deficit. (See my previous lecture on how much a trillion is, November 27, 2009)

Our money isn’t worth a shit anymore. So therefore, if our cash is only worth half of what it was, the products it will now buy cost roughly twice as much. And unlike the temporary effects of Middle Eastern squabbles, accidental oil spills and the occasional hurricane, the deficit and money problem will last and only grow worse with time. These higher oil prices may not go back down anytime soon, if ever.

All of the political assholes in Washington are at fault and have been since Nixon was in office. It’s not going change because it can’t.

Yup. It’s election time again here in America. Take a good whiff of the future.

I wish it smelled more like bacon instead of pig shit.

I like bacon…………

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Amazing Things………

I have a bookshelf in my home designated for amazing things. Some of the items there are very rare. In fact, some of the rarest items on earth. Others mean nothing to anyone but Wifey and I. Thus, I am constantly looking for new stuff to reside there in my little hall of fame. I guess I am something of a hoarder in a limited sense. I stay up late at night fondling and worshiping these little pieces of what some would call crap.

“What kind of stuff?” I hear you cry? Well let’s see. I’ll list a few of them to take up more space and make this posting look longer than it really is.

1. A belaying pin from the HMS Bounty used in the 1960 film.
2. A Victoreen Geiger counter from the cold war days (still works).
3. A copy on VHS of “In the Wake of the Bounty”. One of the rarest films in the world. Erroll Flynn’s first film role.
4. About 2 pennyweights of gold Wifey and I mined in North Carolina.
5. A small sample of Trinitite from the first atomic bomb test in New Mexico.
6. Grandpa Bob’s old Hamilton wristwatch.
7. A 4 inch steel gold pan.
8. A small vial of Super Yeast a friend makes homemade bourbon with.
9. A Texas Paramedic pin.
10. A chrome finished early model Jacobs chuck.
11. A hunk of Amethyst Wifey found.
12. A few beach rocks I found and glued together from Emerald Isle.
13. A small urn/chest with L.T’s cremains.
14. A small chip of both Martian and Lunar meteorites given to us by an old friend.
15. A Siegfried and Roy poker chip from The Mirage in Las Vegas.
16. A small Buddha bottle of Damiana, a Mexican liquor. Aphrodisiac?
17. A finder scope from an old Criterion Dynascope RV-6 Telescope.
18. A spare O-ring for the Margarita keg.
19. A small wizard pewter statue for when I play Monopoly.
20. An 8x10 picture of the 1952 Cummins Diesel Special race car at Indianapolis.
21. A matchbook from the Travelodge in Biloxi Mississippi.
22. A drumstick signed by Java and Rah from Here Come The Mummies.

So there you have it. A summary of stuff that probably has no meaning to anyone except Wifey and myself.

Are there things I still want? Hell yeah. I want a piece of Chernobylite and maybe someday a chunk of Fukushimaite. I’d like Neil Armstrong’s golf ball he hit on the moon. I want a dinosaur bone. I’d really like a water geode.

I also have an alarm system and a pretty good collection of nasty firearms scattered through the house that I am quite proficient in using just in case this posting gives anyone some crazy ideas about taking my amazing things…………