Saturday, June 9, 2012

My Precious Water Supply…….

Well, as I documented a few days ago, the Zombie Apocalypse seems to be starting. I have my food ready, My defensive measures are in place, Bug Out Bag ready to go, I have my water jugs filled and sanitized, and I just bought some more condoms.

That’s right, condoms.

Now those of you who know me understand that I am a pretty brittle diabetic with a heart condition, so it’s obvious the condoms aren’t going to be used for their original purpose.


The condoms serve as emergency water containers. If you fill one up carefully it will hold almost a gallon of fresh water. Wrap this in a towel or a handkerchief and it becomes a lot tougher and harder to break. A box of 12 cost’s about $11.00. That’s a water storage vessel that weighs less than a tenth of an ounce, and holds a gallon for under a buck.

Don’t buy the fancy ones either. 25 years ago when you talked that really hot chick into coming back to your dorm room with you it was imperative to stop by the drug store and get some of those expensive lamb skin condoms. You had to make sure you brought her inside with you so A) everyone knew you were the man scoring such a hot chick, and B) She saw that you were going to spend at least $3.00 a pop on the evenings entertainment and her satisfaction. If you were extremely lucky you got out with dinner at a steak joint, a nice movie and $9.00 worth of heaven. A very good Saturday night indeed.

The less than stunning (ugly) girls got dinner at Taco Bell, a drive in movie, and the 25¢ condom that came prepackaged a dozen at a whack in a brown paper bag so no one knew what you were purchasing.

When buying them for water storage you need to make sure they aren’t loaded up with a spermicidal goo, and aren’t made of some domestic animals intestines. It is also extremely important you buy the Latex NON LUBRICATED kind!

Nothing would suck worse than being killed and eaten by a Zombie because you were sitting on a log, pants around your ankles, struggling with explosive diarrhea because you drank from a condom coated with WD-40 or what ever that slippery shit is.

And make damn sure your old college and high school conquests don’t read this!

That might even suck worse than the Zombie attack.......

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Pseudo Weathermen……….

I suppose with the plethora of online clown colleges that are popping up all over the place it was inevitable that we would get lazy and dimwitted weathermen one of these days. There are some pretty crappy weatherbabes out there as well. They sure do fill out their sweaters nicely though. I guess that’s an important criteria these days.

Here we are in North Florida. It’s a couple days before Hurricane season starts and there is a storm brewing off the South Carolina coast. It’s headed towards Jacksonville where Chuckie lives. Of course I am all over the Internet getting the latest information from the National Hurricane Center and their NOAA RECON planes and buoys. It is beginning to look like a pretty formidable storm.

On TV meanwhile we have “Jacksonville’s Most Accurate Weather Forecaster” standing in front of a green screen pretending he’s the one and only weather God himself. He waves his arms around, points at imaginary buttons on the screen that are supposed to show where and when it’s going to rain.

We then cut to a really professional looking graphic that has all sorts of pretty colors on it that tells us the temperature for the up coming week and the chances for rain each day.

That’s it. A spoon fed weather report aimed towards the Nintendo generation of booger eating morons in the viewing audience. Oh and don’t forget the all important Rip Current Advisory that will be in effect while the near hurricane strength storm is approaching. (Why even post a warning like this? If you are stupid enough to go swimming in this tropical storm you deserve to die anyway)


I wrote the station once and was informed in a very polite letter that the viewing audience was more “Visually oriented” and management had decided to leave the barometer readings off the nightly weather report. They also thanked me for watching.

What kind of shit is that? Why even list the temperature then? Just put a picture of a penguin up there for me to look at and see that it’s going to be cold tomorrow. We live next to the ocean. We have a lot of boaters here. List the barometric pressure on the weather forecast. What kind of idiots are you?

I didn’t list Mike Buresh’s name here to be polite.

I now watch Tim Deegan’s weather report because even though he went to Texas A&M, he is smart enough to recognize that his viewing audience just might be more advanced then most 4th grade science students. And from what I have documented in my weather log for my location, he is more often correct than the other guys.

At least I get to see pictures of cats in trees and sunsets after Mike's weather is done.

Just what I needed.................... 

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Standing My Ground……..

I just realized something, well a couple things actually. I haven’t posted anything in my blog for over a year. And for the first time in my life I can say what I think without repercussions. Oh sure I pissed off some friends and family before, but I had to worry about saying things that would piss off an employer or a co-worker.

Not anymore.

Probably the only folks I shouldn’t piss off now are the Wifey and my Doctors (Who I love dearly) My friends know me and know how I am anyway. The ones that are still around understand. The others? Fugum.

What got me going on this thread was a story I saw on the news last night. Apparently some dumb-ass kid in Miami thought it would be funny to dress up like a Zombie and scare the shit out of random people as they walked down the street. With the recent cannibalistic attack in Miami last week I suppose he thought it was funny

My advise to those who don’t know me is to not try this with Chuckie.

In the last few months I have read more than 25 Zombie books and seen a half dozen Zombie movies. Those who know me well are already aware I am well armed. (Everyone calls you a gun nut until the Zombies actually do start attacking. Then you are a hero.)

All of the material I have absorbed points to one, and only one, defense against an attacking somnambulist. That is to shoot them in the head or destroy the brain by whatever means possible. Machete, shovel, crossbow, assault rifle it doesn’t matter. Kill the brain and the Zombie dies for good.

And guess what? I even live in Florida so I can get away with it legally. Not that a sitting jury would ever convict a citizen for defending himself against having his face eaten off or his body consumed while he was still alive.

Yes my constant and deprived readers,

Chuckie has returned