Friday, February 20, 2015

The BCF...

Does the following equation look familiar to you? You are bombarded with it every single day by your amateur weather clowns on TV. This one little formula is what allows a talentless face on your six o’clock news to make a mundane story sound like a world ending crisis.

Yes constant reader, I am talking about the dreaded “Wind Chill Factor” This is the official formula for it’s calculation.

WC = 35.74 + 0.6215T – 35.75(V^0.16) + 0.4275T(V^0.16)

This one little formula allows a boring science nerd a few minutes or earth shattering glory during your evening newscast. All he/she has to do is plug the current observations into a handy chart and BINGO, instant headline.

“Clear and cold this evening with a temperature of 10°, BUT A WIND CHILL OF 30 BELOW ZERO! doesn’t that sound a lot more impressive and important? Holy shit! The world is coming to an end! It’s cold here in Montana in the winter, but factor in the wind chill and it’s a wonder how man has even evolved on this planet.

Wind chill is what the temperature feels like on bare skin with the wind factored in. That’s it. If the temperature outside is 10° and there is a 50 mph wind, the temperature of that hunk of metal you pick up is going to be 10°. NOT -17°.  If you go outside to pick it up naked you are too stupid to be alive and you deserve to freeze to death anyway.

Sure the Wind Chill Factor (WCF) is an interesting number, but it’s thrown around these days as if it were the atomic bomb of meteorology. This winter it gets reported even before the regular temperature just to make a bigger and more impressive splash on your mind.

Of course I have a better idea. You just knew I would.

It’s called the BCF. The “Ball Chill Factor" or the "Boob Chill Factor". Take your pick, it's not gender specific.

It’s what the temperature would feel like on your naked balls or boobs with the wind factored in. Due to the extreme sensitivity of these important (and fun) organs this is going to have to be a big scary number.

BCF= (T)x(WCF)-(T)

For example: if the outside temp is 20° and the WCF is 10 below zero. Multiply 10 and 20 and you get 200. Subtract the original 20 and you get a BCF of 180°. Add a minus sign and there you have it. A super scary number that is sure to get everyone’s attention during the six o:clock amateur broadcast of “Action News” or “Eye Witness News”

So lets see here: Outside temp is -20° with a 40 mph wind, the WCF is -57° but the BCF would be -1120°!

Now you gotta admit that a number like that would scare the hell out of you and make you buy whatever commercial shit for winter stuff they threw on from the Home Depot after the news!

If the news assholes really wanted to impress me they would have a hot chick in a white lycra bikini top outside doing the weather in the cold wind and let me make up my mind how cold it really is by a more accurate and reliable form of thermometer.

An alcohol filled laboratory grade thermometer calibrated in Fahrenheit.

What did you think I was referring to?