Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Olympic Herpes……

It’s that time again. You can’t avoid it. It will consume you and ruin your life. It will spread from your television to your internet to your smart phone like an STD. Soon cereal boxes will have the faces of dimwit jocks you have never heard of before, from unknown sports, staring at you in the isles of the food depot.

Of course I am talking about the Olympics. That over blown nonsense that goes on for two weeks every four years. I have blogged about it before (Feb 18 2010) and I still feel the same way.

It started last night when NBC news (Guess which network shelled out two billion dollars (($2,000,000,000.00)) for the rights to bore and infuriate me) aired their closing “Feel Good” story about a chick who is trying to qualify for the 100 meter high hurdles.

All I care about is if she is the fastest at her sport without doping up. That’s it. I don’t care if her mom died when she was a child, I don’t care if she slept in a basement eating used cat food out of a dumpster. All that human interest crap dilutes what the athletes are doing and trying to achieve. Make all the athletes compete naked and don’t disclose their names and nationalities until the race is over. This way the true talent rises to the top and NBC has to show you coverage where the US just might not pull off the miracle win every time.

The United States has the most extensive athletics organization in the world. High school, college and eventually professional levels are all fun to watch, but they should never be mixed together. Letting our NBA stars who make millions a year to act like assholes first and playing basketball second, should not be allowed to play against amateur teams from places like Cameroon or Haiti or Norway. That is the stupidest shit I have ever seen. But you can bet your sweet ass that NBC will show you the preliminary game of basketball between the US and the Dutchy of Grand Fenwick during prime time.

And I sure as hell hope they don’t tap that smug asshole Bob Costas to be their Olympic anchorman again. He makes me want to barf every time I see him. The only sports personality worse than him is Holly Rowe from ESPN. I would rather treat an acute case of hemorrhoids with Tabasco sauce then hear these two losers belch on and on about sports they know nothing about.

I guess I just won’t pay my cable bill during the month of August. College football will not have started yet and watching baseball is about as exciting as watching snails fuck. There is nothing on TV worth a shit until October when the Walking Dead comes back on.

Except for Dallas of course.

Come to think of it, J.R. Ewing does kinda resemble some of the extras on TWD…........

Monday, June 18, 2012

You Want WHAT?

The whole purpose of giving someone a gift is to show them you were thinking of them and wanted to do something nice for them. Unless of course it's your neighbors who allow their dogs to leave their deposits in your yard. Then the gift is to put on gloves and smear the offending matter all over their windshields and front door.

Wifey has learned to never ask me for something at Christmas as she knows that the item will go on my do not consider list. I want her to know I put a lot of thought and care into the present that I give her. She will tell you she has never been disappointed. I bought my brother a can of octopus meat one year for Christmas along with some other cool stuff like a vertical chicken roaster and a pickle picker for getting gherkins out of a jar.

See what I mean? I am Mr. Thoughtful when it comes to buying people gifts. Who else would go to a multi thousand dollar wedding where the gift table was covered with many many thousands of dollars of crystal and silver..........and give the bride and groom as case of motor oil. Synthetic no less. I'm not a cheap skate.

If you are having a baby shower for a baby boy, expect something like a chain saw. If it's a girl, expect a pink chainsaw.

So imagine my horror when my closest friend sent me a wedding invitation and included was a pretty little insert informing us that they were participating in a very nice store's "Bridal Registry".

I'm not stupid, I get it. You register so that everyone knows what you need when you start out your new lives together. You also register so you make sure you don't get thirty seven "George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Machine" burger cookers on your special day.

There are a few problems with this program. The first is that all the spontaneity and loving thoughtfulness is stripped away from the giving process. The second is that the list is always made out by the bride to be and is ALWAYS, repeat for effect, ALWAYS stuff the groom could care less about. Towels, bed linens, cooking weapons and other emasculating gifts are all "Chick Stuff." The third issue is, and this one really bothers me, is that the happy couple can log onto the website and see what has been fulfilled on their wish list. "Look honey we are getting an electric juice extractor from someone who really loves us."

I promise you this much. They will never see my gift coming. No I'm not going to bring them a herd of goats or an automatic weapon of some kind. I would never do anything to embarrass them in public. If it was him alone, I would without hesitation. Multiple times, and I would get it on tape! But I wouldn't do that to the lovely lady that has decided to pledge her life and love to him in front of God in a four hundred year old Catholic mission.

The fact that I know his parents and I am afraid they would kill me has nothing to do with it!

Well.......Maybe a little.............