Friday, November 16, 2012

The Twinkie Manifesto.........

“Uncle Chuckie, Tell us again about the Twinkies, please?”

Well Children, it all started a long time ago, So long ago no one really remembers when or how. Twinkies were just always there. We all envied the kids who had those little cream filled golden cakes in their lunch boxes. They were the ones with the cool parents.

People Loved their Twinkies. They were individually wrapped in plastic and they were stuck to a little piece of wax coated cardboard so they wouldn’t get smooshed on the shelf.  When you opened the packaged and pried the cake off of the  cardboard, you would get to lick the sticky cake off the cardboard. That was the best part!

People used to do all kinds of things with Twinkies. They would bake with them, freeze them for future use, dip them in chocolate, some people even performed horrible experiments on them.

The best thing anyone ever came up with was the FRIED TWINKIE.

The sweet and sticky crème filled cake was dipped in a bland batter, not unlike onion ring batter, and deep fried in 350° oil for a couple minutes. What this did was form a hard shell around the cake and caramelized the sugar in the cake and filling. It was a gooey delicious mess that left you craving a half gallon of cold milk and, you guessed it, another fried Twinkie.

Truly this was America at it’s greatest.

But trouble was looming for the Hostess company who made the Twinkie. The evil, money grubbing unions moved in and started demanding higher wages and ridiculous pension demands on the company. Other companies were making snack cakes and gaining market share. Hostess was forced to declare bankruptcy to protect themselves from their creditors while they desperately tried to reorganize their business to survive.

At this point, the fools in the baker's union decided to strike. Yes children, you heard me right, the fools that run the baker's union decided to stop working and picket the company who was in bankruptcy and trying to keep their jobs safe. Hostess told the union that if the strike kept going they would have to close  the factories and fire everyone in the company.

And that’s what they did.  Eighteen thousand (18,000) lost their jobs a week before thanksgiving. The union people not only lost their good jobs, they filed for unemployment and medicaide so they became a burden on the whole country’s economy.

“How could someone be so damn stupid Uncle Chuckie?”

Well kids, I honestly don’t know. Some people are just to stupid to be alive, but as long as the government keeps these voters alive we will be saddled with a lot more stupid shit like this.

Would you like to try one? I went and bought a hundred boxes and hid them before the government stepped in and made it a crime to hoard and collect Twinkies.

What a damn shame……

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Why? I hear you ask......

“Why is this happening to us” Kate cried. “I dunno” responded Vick at the Miami International Airport. They had been in line for 3 hours now and were surely going to miss their connecting flight home to St. Louis.

“They sure are taking away a lot of people for questioning” Vick said out loud and then immediately regretted speaking .

“Welcome home to The United States. Do you have anything to declare?” the  young well armed border guard said.

“Not a thing”, Vick said. “Why is this line so long today?”

“It’s that new list that came out this week. The one with all the names of the people who wanted to secede from the union.”  Said the young muscular border guard while cradling his H&K MP5 sub machine gun in his lap.

Vick swallowed hard. A sweat started to break on his brow. He had signed the same petition on-line. Could the federal government really be rounding up US Citizens who were impulsive enough to sign their names to that petition?  Were American Citizens really being taken to federal re-education facilities to be trained to follow their government’s orders?  He had heard the rumors but never gave them a second thought.

The last words Vick heard were “Sir, We have a problem”…..

Ladies and Gentlemen:

The founding fathers were simple but extremely intelligent men. They knew that some day our government would grow so big, so impersonal and out of control that ordinary citizens might be forced to once again take up arms to regain or defend their liberty. That is why the second amendment to our great constitution was implemented.

I hope it never has to come to this, but if it does, I sure hope your name isn’t on any Homeland Security Watch list, or other government list of malcontents or patriots. Who do you think will get the first late night knocks on the door and be whisked away in the middle of the night in black government Suburbans, never to be heard from again?

Don’t sign that petition. Don’t do anything that would cause you to be a suspect. You never know who is watching.

Say’s I who is stupid enough to post this on the internet…….

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Hep Me, Hep Me……

I saw the headlines today. 300 people lined up to protest a New York’s utility companies response to “Superstorm Sandy”

Hey New York. Tough Shit.

Sound harsh, heartless and uncaring? Maybe we should look at a few facts here and then decided if these folks have a case to bitch or not.

First, remember that New York City is on an island. The highest point is only a couple feet above sea level, same for most of Long Island and all of the NYC boroughs. Being a hugely, over populated and over priced area to live, humans became modern day cliff dwellers living in increasingly taller apartment buildings. With all the huge buildings around, the infrastructure ie: gas lines, electric conduits and steam pipes, telephone and cable had to be located underground.

What happens to areas that are below sea level when a tropical system comes in and there is a storm surge? That’s right, they flood, stranding the cliff dwellers without electricity or any other utilities. Tough shit. You did it to your selves. How do you like that $20,000 a month view of the city now? The news has been reporting that some of those apartment/condos go for up wards of one hundred million dollars! With most of the news organizations based in New York, that's all they have to report about. It's becoming more tedious than the election. The world is losing interest.

To the folks in the outskirts of town, out in the beaches area of New Jersey: sorry, that your homes were taken away by the sea. Did you think they would last forever? You live within a mile of the ocean at sea level and a hurricane takes away everything you own, and then you bitch that no one is coming to your rescue? Are you insane? Hurricanes have been destroying coastal land areas since before the dinosaurs roamed the earth. Just because it hasn’t happened lately doesn’t mean it won’t ever happen again. Do you think your arrogant New Jersey ass was now immune from this all of a sudden?

Those of you who were ordered to evacuate and didn’t and then expected to be rescued don’t realize that you are nothing more than a drain on vital resources and should have been left to die in the storm.  When the beaches in Jacksonville Florida were expected to be hit by Hurricane Floyd, the mayor came on TV and advised everyone who defied the evacuation order to write their name and SS# on their arms in indelible ink so that their bodies could be identified afterwards.  The people here were smart enough to get the message.

You people don’t realize that YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELVES! YOU CHOSE TO LIVE THERE! The silly part is you are expecting, no wrong word, you are DEMANDING that the rest of the country pay the bill for you to clean up and move back to the same areas that were just destroyed.

What really pisses me off are the people on TV bemoaning the fact that no one is there to help them. Bullshit. Thousands of power crews are in your pathetic area from all over the country. The news the other night showed the US Air Force airlifting electrical repair trucks and crews in from as far away as California. These crews are working 18 hour days and most are sleeping in their trucks at night and eating cold cheeseburgers from the Red Cross. Sure you lost the pictures of your Italian grandmothers wedding. But remember, YOU CHOSE TO LIVE THERE. It’s your own damn fault.

Every time the American Red Cross spends a dime to help you it is a “Gift from the American People” Just who do you think you are to say that no one is helping or that the help isn’t enough or timely enough? Just how important do you think you really are?

Yes the storm was a disaster, yes you are suffering, we get it. We are trying to help. How dare you complain that the charity we are supplying isn’t enough or not arriving fast enough to keep you comfortable.

Maybe you should quit acting like the world famous, foul mouthed, selfish asshole New Yorkers you have always been and be a little bit grateful. No one owes you a thing. You were unprepared and ignorant to what was going to happen even though you had a week or more of warning.

And now you are paying the price for it......