Saturday, October 5, 2013

Newton, Is that you?

In 1980 I bought my first Apple II computer. What a cool machine that was. It had 4K of RAM and no disk drive. That was 33 years ago and now I  am finally fed up with Apple's Bullshit.

I have purchased something from just about every product line Apple has ever produced. I managed a company that serviced, sold and supported Apple products. I have converted hundreds of people from die hard IBM clone users to the Apple way of thinking. I never bought an iPhone as I thought, and still think, it's absolute insanity to pay that much money for a phone. I don't play that "keep up with the Jone's" nonsense. I am not defined by the gadgets I buy. I don't care about looking cool. I'm not that shallow.

And now Apple has taken a big, steaming hot dump on my head. Thanks a lot you hip California assholes.

You see, when the iPad was first announced I was like a kid at Christmas. I had magazine pages featuring this new gizmo cut out and I carried them around in my wallet. I bored the hell out of everyone I knew with my iPad obsession. Silly behavior for a 49 year old man, but everyone's bell is rung by different things.

I finally got my new toy about 6 months after it came out. It was and is amazing…..for the moment.

It has turned out that Apple is more interested in the iPhone market and in order to keep up with all the new fancy applications that iPhone users need to out cool each other, they have had to upgrade their operating system. It's the same OS that is used on the iPad.

So therefore my iPad won't run a lot of the applications that also run on the new iPhone. When an app like Motion-X GPS Drive, the coolest and best GPS navigation program for the iPhone and iPad, upgrades to run on the new iPhone it won't run on the old iPad.

And as all the current apps I have downloaded and used for the last couple years are upgraded, some of them won't work either.

The exciting and really shitty part is, I will not know which apps work until I need them and try to open them.

That's technology for you. I understand progress, I have an original iPad and Wifey has a brand new iPad third version. Her's will run a while longer I hope. I guess it depends on when the next version of the iPhone is released for all you stupid, mindless people who have to have the newest and coolest iPhone to play Angry Birds on.

And Apple's official response when I contacted support about this? Their answer was "Sorry, there is nothing we can do for you"

So there I am, sunk with a  four year old machine that is going the way of the Newton all because you people out there who have to have a new iPhone every year to out asshole your friends, or to make your kid look cooler in school than some other asshole's kids.

I hope your new iPhone irradiates your genitals so you are unable to breed and pollute the world with another generation of your shallow, inferiority complex infected spawn.

The next time you are lined up outside the Apple Store to buy another overpriced phone, I hope some one comes buy and throws a live hornets nest in the middle of your technology circle jerk.

Meanwhile the hunt for a new tablet continues.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Tastes like Chicken$&^# to me….

This week the government of the world's remaining superpower was brought to a screeching halt because some of our elected officials couldn't pull their heads out of their asses long enough to take a breath.

It seems that the Republicans are pushing this effort to punish the population for an unpopular law they passed a few years ago that is going to bankrupt the country pretty soon. The Democrats want the law to go through so that every uninformed, indigent, unemployed and unwed mother will keep voting for them.

The result is that my anniversary trip next week down the Blue Ridge Parkway is going to get all fucked up. The Blue Ridge Parkway is a National Park. All of the National Parks are being closed because those assholes in Washington can't make their minds up and pass a simple bill. Simple bill my ass, it's just the continuing resolution to fund the bankrupt government is all.

So the parks are closed, some old war veterans can't get to see the memorial placed in their honor in the nation's capital, and the Panda Cam has been shut down.

Now just a God Damn minute here, The Panda Cam has been shut down?

You heard me right, That was the lead story on 6:00 news here in Jacksonville Florida, a city of over a million people. All they could find in the entire world that they felt was worthy of a minute and a half (eternity) of prime time television news was the Panda Cam's closure. They even interviewed people in the street for God's sake.

I couldn't give a shit about the Panda Bear. Sure they are cute, I saw a couple of them at the SanDiego Zoo a few years ago. There were people standing there weeping and climaxing all over the place looking at an animal that is to dumb to survive on it's own in the wilderness. Even when put on the endangered species list these creatures can't survive. They are pretty much too stupid to fuck or they roll over and squish their babies once the squirt one out after they do finally figure out how to fornicate. We even spend millions of dollars artificially impregnating them.

And I thought they tasted terrible as well. I went into Panda Express for a hearty lunch one day only to find out that they don't serve Panda meat at all. It's just the same old chicken, beef and cat and dog that all the Chinese restaurants around here serve. Maybe our silly government ought to sue them for false advertising and use the money recovered to pay off the national debt that is owed to, you guessed it, China.

And besides, how do we know the Panda Cam was photographing a real Panda anyway? Are you so sure that a government that spies on it's own people, records our cell phone calls,  lies about it's own finances, kills people with drone strikes, and turns the other cheek when a President admits to having an affair and soiling an intern's dress with his Presidential Spooge, would not place an animitronic bear in a cage for a webcam? Our government pisses away a lot more of our tax dollars on far stupider ideas than this.

Maybe we should have a septic tank cam?

We could place it in the US Congress......

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Timmy? Is that you?

Timmy was the kid across the street, You remember him, the cute kid who looked like Opey Taylor and was always such a terror. On Halloween, Timmy was the kid who tied toilet paper to your mailbox, He didn't knock it over with a baseball bat. He was a "Good" kid.

Timmy mowed your lawn, walked and fed your dog when you were on vacation, raked your leaves. To sum it all up, Timmy was the all American boy right down to the homemade slingshot in his back pocket.

Remember the night he had his first "Date" in the 7th grade? The school dance where his dad got all dressed up in a suit and tie and played chauffeur so they could impress the young lady Timmy was wooing. It was so much fun to stand in the driveway and watch this little man grow up in front of us.

I still remember signing his cast after he fell out of a tree and broke his arm. I remember it all.

That stupid go cart that made all that racket! The same go cart I fixed in my garage a dozen times. How could I forget the time when he carved his name in the fence out by my mailbox. It's still there. I see it every time I get the mail.

I remember the first time he started on the high school football team. We sat in the stands and froze our asses off as the kids played in the driving sleet, slipping and sliding all over the half frozen muddy field.

Off to college, an officer in his ROTC unit, an engineering degree, A new wife and a baby.

Timmy went into the army as he was deeply saddened when his country was attacked by terrorists on 911.

Yes, Timmy was an all American boy. He was our personal hero.

I wonder if he will pull the trigger?

You see, I recognize Timmy amongst the other soldiers. His red hair and freckles make him stand out. Timmy's army unit was deployed to "Keep the Peace"  during the budget protests we have been having lately. All these poor people want to do is let the government know that we are tired of standing in line and spending ten dollars for a gallon for milk. With 30% unemployment can you blame us? Most of us who are protesting are older citizens who can't afford to pay for healthcare or even our rent these days. The Government has taxed us to death and we are now broken, desperate people.

Again, I wonder if Timmy will pull the trigger? Will he recognize me? He is pointing his rifle at the lady standing next to me. His stare is blank and he seems to be sort of brainwashed. This poor lady can barely stand up she is so frail.

Did our government really activate the National Guard and call the army in to suppress our peaceful demonstration. What are they afraid of? Don't they work for us?

Will Timmy really open fire on his fellow Americans, his friends and neighbors.

What has this world come to?