Tuesday, December 20, 2016

No Scents of Direction…

Black Ice Air Freshener?

What the hell is going on here?

I am buying a rare Volkswagen New Beetle in the next couple of weeks. It is a limited edition car painted with Volkswagens “Snap Orange” paint. Volkswagen only produced this color on the New Beetles in 2002. The car is immaculate and has a ridiculously low amount of miles on it. The lady who owned it kept it garaged and hardly ever drove it. Yes, It is one of those rare deals you wished you had grabbed when you had the chance but never pulled the trigger on. The opportunity you always seem to miss.

Not this time. No siree Bob. I'm going for it. 

So I thought I would go out and grab an orange scented air freshener to put in the car so it smells nice sitting in my garage while hibernating under a nice fabric car cover. Yes, this car will be pampered like none I have ever owned before. I will have it polished weekly and gently rubbed with fine silk and plush cloth diapers by white robbed virgins smelling of lilac. It will only be driven on clear days when birds are happily singing in the trees far enough away to prevent us from being hit by avian shit missiles.

Yes I am excited about this car! I have to fly across the entire continent to pick it up and drive over thirty five hundred miles (3,500) to return him to Florida where he can retire in the warmth he so richly deserves.

I will be the envy of many people.

The problem wth my idyllic fantasy is that I can’t seem to find an orange scented air freshener anywhere.


All I can find are scents like, Black Ice, Clean Linen, Radiant Berries, Shimmering Wonder and Blue Odyssey.

What the hell does Black Ice smell like? I grew up in New England and lived in Northern Arizona. I’ve seen more black ice on roadways than most people ever will. It didn’t smell at all. Not one bit. How could you get that in an air freshener? And what the hell is Blue Odyssey? Can’t say I have ever smelled anything called that before. Radiant Berries sounds like something that you would get out of your garden if you lived near Chernobyl. Shimmering Wonder makes me imagine what a hot glitter infused fart would resemble on a cold winter day.

Whatever happened to scents I can relate to like Lemon, Pine or Cinnamon? What the hell does Cashmere Woods smell like? The only thing I can imagine is how an old grandmother would smell if she was lost in a forest somewhere wearing a sweater. Who would want to spray that around in their domicile? 

If I were going to sell smell good stuff, I would do some serious research as to what the public would want. None of these silly Martha Stewart inspired sissy scents, no sir. If I wanted to attract women I would make scents like Money, Diamonds, or Ferrari. Of course if you were a chick and needed to rely on scent to attract a male you could use Bacon, Football, or Beer scented air fresheners.

Once again, I don’t understand this modern world. I keep thinking of when I was younger and old people would say, “When I was your age…” Yes I know, phones had dials, records were made of vinyl, you walked a hundred miles a day to school and hybrids were vegetables in the garden.

What the hell is happening to me?