All you have to do is close your eyes……
Just imagine how the good folks at Disney are going to profit from all this recent publicity. You can bet your sweet Bippie that those public relations masters are right now trying to figure out a way to make a bucket full of cash out of the recent mauling of that two year old kid from Nebraska.
I wonder why they don't ask me? You just knew I would come up with a practical, if not horrific, idea to make a buck off of this so called tragedy.
Welcome to Disney’s Reptile Safari!
First we would lower the water level in that man made lake behind the Grand Floridian Beach Resort a few feet. Once that fertile and marshy area has a chance to grow wild for a year or two we start to offer alligator hunting tours along the edges of the swamp. All we need are a couple dozen specially outfitted open top Jeeps and two or three hundred AR-15 rifles to issue to guests who wish to partake in a real Florida vacation experience.
Why not? Disney has Lions and Tigers and Bears (Oh My!) living in the Animal Kingdom park. What’s the difference?
The guests in the Grand Floridian would be charged extra for the rooms over looking the killing fields. Imagine sipping on a cool, tasty frozen beverage on the balcony of your fifteen hundred dollar ($1,500.00) a night deluxe hotel suite watching tourists with guns exterminate prehistoric reptiles. Romance and excitement in one package!
The Disney concessionary department would make a fortune off of the free alligator meat the park could provide. Gator tail popsicles for the kids and gator coladas for the adults. Designer one hundred dollar pairs of Micky Mouse ears made from alligator hides as well as boots, shoes and briefcases.
We would restock the hunting preserve (oxymoron?) with the alligators we trap in our municipalities where they are considered a nuisance species. More trappers would be gainfully employed, cities and towns would be rid of a nasty predatory pest, and poodle owners all across Florida would be able to breathe easier when Fifi is shitting out by the pond in their backyard.
To counter the rising cost of Purina Alligator Chow, those amazing imagineers at Disney could organize a daily children’s only picnic in the middle of the preserve. Free cookies and snacks as well as wading and swimming with the gators. They could even offer discounts for more nutritionally satisfying obese children. Why not? People pay hundreds of dollars to swim with Dolphins all over Florida. The same folks shell out a hundred bucks a day or more to ride roller coasters in the various parks to scare the shit out of themselves. This new innovative park satisfies both emotional needs at the same time. Children from different countries could attend picnics in different parts of the preserve assuring gator meat that is pre-seasoned. Hot & spicy gator that was in the hispanic children’s area, Italian gator meatballs and spaghetti from children from southern Europe. The possibilities are endless and lucrative.
The money the hunting trips generate would more than pay for the legal fees and compensate the lousy parents who let their kids wade in a pond in Florida after dark. Want your take your kid swimming in tropical Florida at night? Just stop at the pool you walked by where swimming IS allowed and let them pee in there.
Who said Disney doesn’t have something for everyone?
Sing it with me...
“It’s a Cruel world after all, It’s a Cruel world after all, It’s a Cruel world after all, it’s a Cruel Cruel world”.