Friday, June 17, 2016

When you wish upon a star....

All you have to do is close your eyes……

Just imagine how the good folks at Disney are going to profit from all this recent publicity. You can bet your sweet Bippie that those public relations masters are right now trying to figure out a way to make a bucket full of cash out of the recent mauling of that two year old kid from Nebraska.

I wonder why they don't ask me? You just knew I would come up with a practical, if not horrific, idea to make a buck off of this so called tragedy.

Welcome to Disney’s Reptile Safari!

First we would lower the water level in that man made lake behind the Grand Floridian Beach Resort a few feet. Once that fertile and marshy area has a chance to grow wild for a year or two we start to offer alligator hunting tours along the edges of the swamp. All we need are a couple dozen specially outfitted open top Jeeps and two or three hundred AR-15 rifles to issue to guests who wish to partake in a real Florida vacation experience.

Why not? Disney has Lions and Tigers and Bears (Oh My!) living in the Animal Kingdom park. What’s the difference?

The guests in the Grand Floridian would be charged extra for the rooms over looking the killing fields. Imagine sipping on a cool, tasty frozen beverage on the balcony of your fifteen hundred dollar ($1,500.00) a night deluxe hotel suite watching tourists with guns exterminate prehistoric reptiles. Romance and excitement in one package!

The Disney concessionary department would make a fortune off of the free alligator meat the park could provide. Gator tail popsicles for the kids and gator coladas for the adults. Designer one hundred dollar pairs of Micky Mouse ears made from alligator hides as well as boots, shoes and briefcases.

We would restock the hunting preserve (oxymoron?) with the alligators we trap in our municipalities where they are considered a nuisance species. More trappers would be gainfully employed, cities and towns would be rid of a nasty predatory pest, and poodle owners all across Florida would be able to breathe easier when Fifi is shitting out by the pond in their backyard.

To counter the rising cost of Purina Alligator Chow, those amazing imagineers at Disney could organize a daily children’s only picnic in the middle of the preserve. Free cookies and snacks as well as wading and swimming with the gators. They could even offer discounts for more nutritionally satisfying obese children. Why not? People pay hundreds of dollars to swim with Dolphins all over Florida. The same folks shell out a hundred bucks a day or more to ride roller coasters in the various parks to scare the shit out of themselves. This new innovative park satisfies both emotional needs at the same time. Children from different countries could attend picnics in different parts of the preserve assuring gator meat that is pre-seasoned. Hot & spicy gator that was in the hispanic children’s area, Italian gator meatballs and spaghetti from children from southern Europe. The possibilities are endless and lucrative. 

The money the hunting trips generate would more than pay for the legal fees and compensate the lousy parents who let their kids wade in a pond in Florida after dark. Want your take your kid swimming in tropical Florida at night? Just stop at the pool you walked by where swimming IS allowed and let them pee in there. 

Who said Disney doesn’t have something for everyone?

Sing it with me...

“It’s a Cruel world after all, It’s a Cruel world after all, It’s a Cruel world after all, it’s a Cruel Cruel world”.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

The Carbon Conspiracy

Every time I sit down in front of my computer I get inundated with environmental bullshit about all the carbon in the atmosphere and on the Earth due to human beings and climate change. It’s on the television, radio, billboards on the highway and even arrives in my mailbox outside as junk mail.

I don’t know where all the experts on carbon have come from. Surely they can’t all be materials scientists or have even taken high school chemistry. My guess is they are all pretty dimwitted folks who think they are standing up for an intelligent and meaningful cause. I guess you might think that is somewhat noble of them but imagine being a hunter and bagging a Peterbuilt instead of a deer.

The reason carbon has got my goat this morning is that the amount of carbon on the planet has not changed in the last few hundred years. Yup, you read that correctly. The amount of carbon on the planet right now is actually a little less than when the dinosaurs roamed around.

What? Are you kidding Chuckie? Have you been smoking crack or overdosed on pop tarts or something?

No, No, and No.

You see, Carbon is an ELEMENT. it is number 6 on the periodic table. It cannot be destroyed or created except by a nuclear reaction or a particle accelerator (theoretically anyway) All the carbon on Earth came from interstellar nuclear reactions on the Sun and/or distant stars. There is as much carbon on the Earth as there was a billion years ago before humans ever started to evolve.

The reason I say that the net amount of carbon on our planet has gone down is to account for the minuscule amount that we have sent into outer space and other planets and moons in our space program. We have sent more carbon to our moon than human beings have ever created on Earth in our entire existence.

That being said, carbon can bond with and be liberated from other compounds. It happens all the time. Every time you use your fireplace or fire up the BBQ you are moving around carbon atoms. BUT THE AMOUNT OF EARTH BOUND CARBON STAYS THE SAME! Driving your car or even eating a pizza does the same thing.

Three and a half billion years ago (3,500.000,000) this planet was a semi liquid blob of molten rock measuring in at thousands of degrees. Since then we have had numerous periods where the planet was a little hotter and a little colder than it is now. The Earth was even frozen completely over with ice at one point. All this before there were Republicans around to blame it on. We, as a species, are not even a pimple on the ass of the Earth in the grand scheme of things.

Assuming we can change the evolutionary future path of this or any planet is the height of human arrogance and unmitigated greed.

Yes Greed. You don’t think anyone is making a buck off of this Global Warming/Climate Change nonsense? Is Al Gore’s house bigger than yours? Do you fly around in a private jet like Michael Moore? Do you have a Junk Science show or special on a cable channel like some of these high paid phonies (read Bill Nye) do? 

Wow! If you really are that stupid, just send me all your money! I will promise to say things that will make you feel all warm and fuzzy.

I live in Nigeria.