Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The Answer is…………

The answer is so simple. It is a beautiful solution to a good chunk of the problems facing this country today. I am surprised it took me this long to think of it.

We have an extreme unemployment emergency in this country. People can’t find work and yet we still have hundreds of immigrants streaming over the fence, through the tunnels and smuggled into this country in automobile trunks every day.

The majority of crops picked in this country in the south are harvested by illegal aliens in the border states. This puts a drain on the Welfare and Medicaid systems in those states and the federal government refuses to step in and help. The democrats in power see these leeches as future voters. If the feds are going to require your state to accept these refugees they should at least allow your state to police them and send them back when they break our laws. I fully support the state of Arizona.

Notice how the news media has been reporting more and more cases of e-coli bacteria infections from crops grown in the southern states? Lettuce and spinach and assorted other crops have been affected. Am I the only one to see the pattern here? The illegal immigrants are wiping their asses with the lettuce they pick to send to us to eat! When was the last time the news reported a wetback with e-coli? Haven’t heard that one yet from CNN have you?

I think it’s time we stood up in this country. Close the borders once and for all from the invasion of illegal immigrants. If you come to this country striving for the American Dream you have my respect and support. Register here, meld into our society and help make this country great. I salute you. My ancestors did on both sides of my family tree.

Until then lets put the army on the border with orders to shoot to kill anyone crossing without proper authorization. How many people would attempt to cross illegally into our great country if a few were shown dangling on the wire where they were stopped before they made it across.

Do the same thing with looters in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. Caught stealing Rolexes from a jewelry store? Bang. Problem solved.

And the illegal, law breaking immigrants that are already here? What do we do with them when we catch them?

Simple answer.

Soylent Brown.

Spicy and available every Thursday…………

Monday, July 19, 2010

What’s That Smell?

Did someone forget to take scoop the cat’s box? Leave some raw shrimp unrefrigerated under the sink? Are the Aggies playing football in town this weekend?

Nope. It’s election time once again and the odor is coming from your TV.

I cannot stand the constant mud slinging and lying from these assholes who are running for public office. I have known personally a few people who went to Washington. They were good, honest hard working folks who wanted to make a difference: and they turned into money grubbing political scum bags.

You can’t vote them out because “them” is both sides of the coin. No matter how many times you flip it you lose.


You don’t flip the coin at all.

You and every other American has the right to vote. The politicians want you to vote as you will walk into the voting booth like a blind sheep and vote for someone. Hell they even call it “Your Duty” and guilt you into voting. They need you that much.

Here is the answer.

Don’t vote for anyone. Read it again, DO NOT vote for ANYONE.

Go to the poles and vote for those you personally know and trust. The others? Leave the spot blank. That’s right. Just don’t make a choice. Exercise your constitutional right to vote for none of the above. Maybe just maybe enough people will take this option and somebody somewhere might get the idea that the electorate is finally getting pissed off at the whole situation.

They don’t think you have the nerve to stand up to them. Short of running them out of town on a rail this is all we can do. You can’t shoot them like the hydrophobic dogs they are. Until they feel threatened nothing will change.

Imagine how sweet the victory for Asshole #1 will be over Asshole #2 if there were more blank votes than either of them received!

That would make for a story even those dickheads at CNN couldn’t ignore……

Friday, June 4, 2010

Conspiracy with a twist of Lime…..

Remember how the world was the day before 911? We had the normal political and social problems facing us. The economy was looking bad. The normal stupid little conflicts were going on in the Middle East. Unemployment was on the rise although at not such an alarming rate. The housing market was looking bleak. Just the normal stuff going on.

Then the tragedy of 911 happened.

People were furious and dumbfounded beyond belief. How could this happen?

And then the idiot asshole idea machine took over.

People actually had the audacity to accuse the president and his cabinet of having prior knowledge of the attacks. Some disease infested fear mongers even went so far as to say that the president played a direct part in planning the attack to suck the country into a war so that he and and members of his cabinet could financially gain from the costly conflict. The hottest topic for that next election cycle was the Homeland Security issue.

Here’s where it gets stupid. This is only hypothetical and not something I actually believe but it does make an interesting mental exercise.

What did Obama know about this oil spill disaster before it happened and was he involved in it in any way?

Has your life gotten any better from the economic stimulus package? Has the country rebounded from the millions of jobs lost since Obama took office? Is this whole oil spill crisis a diversion to draw fire away from incumbent democrats who are on the hot seat for supporting that idiot’s healthcare bill?

Heard anything on the news lately about the Tea party Movement? How about how badly the two wars are going? Where is the housing crisis issue? What about the talk about all the jobs being lost? The job report released today will look rosy as hell because of all the census workers are included in it. All the TEMPORARY census workers who will be unemployed in a few months.

The mid term elections all of a sudden are second page news.

It’s just interesting to me that when a major crisis hits America it’s always the president’s and governments fault when there is a republican in the white house. The nut cases crawl out of the woodwork to blame the president. When there is a democrat in the white house it’s never brought up.

I guess we have the news media to thank for it.

And we all know how fair and honest those whores are………

Wednesday, June 2, 2010


You hypocrite.

Yes you, sitting there reading this post on your computer made primarily of plastic. Comfortable in a synthetic fabric covered chair in a dwelling heated and cooled by electricity. Paid for by profits from your employment that you commute to in a vehicle that consumes fossil fuels.

Yes I am finally jumping into the oil spill in the gulf crisis.

I sailed in the gulf from Houston to Pensacola many years ago. The oil platforms off of the Texas and Louisiana coast were as thick as pine trees in a forest. They were everywhere. I have no problem believing the estimates that say there are more than 4,000 of them in the gulf. They are huge extremely complicated systems that can drill holes in the sea floor thousands of feet deep a mile or more below the surface.

They have been doing this for more than 40 years.

And now there has been an accident.

Men were killed, oil is leaking into the water.

The key word here is accident. No one intended for this to happen. Sure there may have been oversights on safety or maybe a complicated system just failed. Either way it was an ACCIDENT. Safety costs lots of money and would you pay a dollar or two a gallon more for gas to have a safer oil production system in place? Go ahead and lie to me, I'm used to being lied to. Something about having your cake and eating too.

BP is doing everything in their power to stop the leaking oil. It hurts them where it hurts the most,in their pockets. They are loosing millions of dollars per day. The stock market is falling; your retirement funds are dwindling away because the oil stocks in your mutual funds are dropping.

And now we are looking to assign blame and possibly prosecute their executives for the accident? Can we just try to repair the problem first and worry about who we are going to sue or jail later? And the damn TV news coverage makes me want to puke. I wonder why Al & Tipper Gore decided to announce their divorce THIS week? I smell Hookers and an environmental cover up.

Newsflash: The planet will recover. Read it again: The planet will recover. Maybe not in time for your vacation to the beach this year but it will eventually. I feel sorry for those that make their living from the gulf waters. They will have to adapt somehow. Just like we all have to when bad things happen out of the blue. Tornadoes, hurricanes, house fires, floods, earthquakes, diarrhea. Shit happens.

I could care less about dead pelicans and seagulls. I like having the lights on at night and I love my computer. Cold beer is really nice to. Everything in life has risks and rewards.

I really would hate to give up eating shrimp though.

I like shrimp.

Friday, April 2, 2010

The Great Escape…

We are out of Okeechobee.

A week and a half ago we found out that Wifey’s mom wasn’t doing so hot. She has some pretty serious medical problems that required us to move back to Jacksonville pronto.

We did it in less than seven days.

We are now living in a cool apartment off of Southside Blvd. in Jacksonville Fl. I was going to post the Lat and Lon but I was afraid all of my fanatical fans would hunt me down, steal my underwear and try to sell it on eBay.

Okeechobee was an enigma for us. A sort of tequila induced nightmare that we could not wake up from. We met some of the nicest and best friends we have ever had. We also met the very worst the human species has to offer. I’m not talking about the genetically and evolutionarily challenged people there. Those whom I refer to are the completely ignorant and socially unacceptable human beings who slip through the cracks of decent society and end up in the sludgy coated, nasty oil pan of life. You know the type. Single, drunk and pregnant with their second child at 16 years old, or infected with some sort of flesh eating bacteria acquired while collecting dead road kill armadillos from the highways at night to sell to local boot makers for their tough leathery hides. And don’t get me started about the serious injuries that show up at the emergency room from intoxicated rednecks out hunting wild boars for fun.

That is Okeechobee in a nutshell.

When the fossils finally leave Okeechobee for the summer the Love Bugs move in. Some refer to them as “Black Snow” They are so thick that when you drive down the highway you cannot even read the street signs at times. On the worst days they partially block out the sun.

They stick to your car and their blood is caustic. If you don’t wash the little victims off your hood and grill their evil and foul smelling entrails’ goo will eat through and pit the paint job on your car. Don’t even think of parking your car in the garage until you have deglazed it from the love bug cadavers or you will instantly vomit from the new Okeechobee odor your garage has now taken on. You would think that the birds down in that satanic hellhole of a town would be the size of DC-10s with all the bugs to eat. Wrong. They must taste as bad as they smell. Even the birds are grounded during Love Bug season

For those of you in Okeechobee that we became friends with, we love you and miss you terribly. The rest of you, go pound fire ant-infested sand up your ass with a wooden spoon.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

My Olympic Moment:

I think I should be the director/commissioner of the next Winter Olympics.

The first thing I would do is change a few of the rules to make things just a tad more interesting for the viewing public.

Such as:

The Luge event would be done without sleds. I used to go belly-woppin head first as a kid in the snow in Connecticut. They can to.

Ice Hockey. Simple. No one is allowed to wear padding of any kind and take down the glass boards around the rink.

Ski Jumping. Make them land in a pool. Preferably filled with mayonnaise.

Curling. Make the rocks magnetic. Let the players use blow dryers.

Figure Skating. Make the men wear men’s clothing. Make everyone go barefoot. Require the women to have some form of cleavage. This means they must be older than 10 yrs of age.

All of the skiing, including that silly half pipe shit, would be in the dark. Absolutely pitch black dark of the moon stuff. The TV cameras can use night vision. Make the gates on the skiing courses out off concrete instead of those flimsy posts and flags.

Bob Sledding would be done in the dark as well without helmets.

Ice Dancing would be done naked and the audience would have high-powered water pistols filled with grape juice.

The speed skaters would all have to wear roller skates on the ice.

The bi-athletes would start at 5-minute intervals and get to shoot each other on the course. The survivor gets all three medals.

Drop the cross-country skiers off in the middle of nowhere a hundred miles from home smeared in honey to attract bears; the ones who make it back alive get medals.

Actually I have watched a lot more of the Olympics than I thought I would have. The scenery that NBC shows before and after the commercials is breathtaking in HD.

And I really do think the Curling is cool.

Whooda thunk that?

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Morris? Is that you?

So there I am standing in the cat food section of Publix looking for new and interesting flavors for LT (our cat) to turn his nose up at when suddenly I am elbowed out of the way by a nasty looking snowbird troll-like fossil.

For those of you that don’t know, Okeechobee is where all the jurassic snowbirds from Ohio, Michigan and especially Canada come to in the winter months to get away from the snow and clog up the hospital and Wal-Mart.

The migration begins about Labor Day. Campers and wrinkled up fossils back up the highway from Okeechobee all the way to YeeHaw Junction. Easily hundreds of millions of dollars worth of geriatric buses and mobile homes flow into Okeechobee like ripple into a wino that just won the lottery.

Instead of a catch and release program where these old bags of skin could be taken out into the Everglades to provide sustenance for the local reptile and amphibian populations, the local merchants lure and welcome them into their establishments like a diabetics being drawn to a candy factory. I think the idea is to fatten up on the tourists in the winter months to survive the long ugly and hot summers here.

So being the nice, kind and understanding guy that I am, I engage this old codger in a bit of humorous banter. I mention that I wonder if the feral cats in the wild eat Atlantic Salmon or Turkey Giblets in Gravy (Both flavors LT likes)

And then he says "I like the sliced beef and the chicken bits myself”

He then went onto engage me in a five-minute dithyram about how he likes to mix canned cat food into a salad and have that for dinner on warm evenings.

And I swear to God he was serious.

I can tell most of the time when someone is pulling my leg, but this is Okeechobee where people take their kids to Golden Corral barefoot and then take fried chicken legs home from the restaurant in their pants pockets with out using even a napkin or a plastic bag.

So here we are in the valley of the wealthy wandering Winnebago’s where all the rich old farts from up north come to escape the cold and when they get here they eat cat food to save a buck.

I should have walked him next door to the hardware store and bought him a shovel and a rake so he could collect some of that free food that gets hit by them pick-em up trucks at night here on the highway.

I wonder if possum road kill tastes like chicken?