Saturday, June 11, 2016

The Ideas Keep Coming...

After somebody (yes, just one person) read my BLOG yesterday on how human beings should have invented Spray On Toast by this point in our evolution, I have become motivated to submit more of my brilliant ideas to our collective human existence.

Take the kitchen for example. Every modern kitchen has one dishwasher. Clearly that’s not enough. Anytime I want a pot or pan or special glass for my evening lager it’s in the dishwasher. If I ever build a house my kitchen will have two dishwashers. I will also have a urinal in the kitchen as well. Whenever I get a single drop of water on my hands when I am cooking something I have to stop to go pee. This inconvenient biological design flaw always seems to occur at a critical moment in a recipe that I am either making or developing. Sure you may think it’s gross, but I would wash my hands when finished and would keep it clean and fresh smelling.

My bathroom would have a Biffy Bubbler (see earlier BLOG posts) and a pressure sensitive switch built into the toilet seat to activate the fart fan. Said fan’s intake would be much closer to the actual “scene of the crime” and would exhaust into the attic of the house thereby killing any bugs and mice that may reside there.

The thermostat for the house would be in the bedroom not the front hall. No one lives in my front hall. I spend most of my time inside in the bedroom in bed. I would have a temperature probe between the sheets tied into the the cooling and heating system of the house to maintain the optimum sleeping environment.

My computer would be tied into a ultra-high voltage power line connected to my “Spam Zapper” device. When I turn on my computer and check my email, this accessory would automatically electrocute any asshole who sends me spam about acquiring a Russian Bride or tries to sell me Viagra from Canada.

I haven’t decided if I want a flame thrower or an electronic device to obliterate any drones that fly over my property. Both sound like a lot of fun. Maybe the infrared carbon dioxide LASER that I am building would do the trick, although it would be hard to aim and the collateral damage could be significant. Now wouldn't that piss off the FAA! A 100 watt infrared LASER that could burn through granite mounted in my backyard when I live 5 miles form an airport. Are those black helicopters I hear coming my way?

Is this shit too much to ask for? How hard can this stuff be?

And don’t get me started on my disgust with the food industry. It makes no sense whatsoever that we still don’t have aerosol spaghetti noodles. God damn you Chef Boyardi.  Some asshole invented Silly String. Why not Chuckie’s Aerosol Pasta? Think of the lives we could save by dropping CAP cans over starving countries. What an amazing idea for emergency hurricane and disaster kits. School lunchrooms would never be boring again! Think of the ease and convenience of making dinner when on a camping trip. Obviously the pasta would be biodegradable and non-toxic, unlike that plastic shit in Silly String, so it could be sprayed at weddings without killing innocent birds like rice does. Maybe that's why Chef Boyardi hasn't come up with (or stolen) the idea yet.

Non-toxic aerosol pasta in a can? Whooda thunk it?

My brain hurts. I am going to go take a nap now.

Friday, June 10, 2016

My Next Brilliant Idea...

I have been racking my poor little brain trying to come up with inventions that will benefit mankind after I am gone. Let’s face it folks, life is a zero sum game. We all are going to drift off eventually to Flying Spaghetti Monster Heaven one day so we might as well make every day count and do whatever we can to bolster our individual legacies.

I know I am a cynical and sarcastic bastard. This BLOG obviously belabors that point. I have tried to uplift mankind with a few positive suggestions in my tenure on this planet. The Raisin Powered Nuclear Reactor is just one of many ideas I have come up with to make life more fulfilling for my fellow human beings. The five gallon bucket of Pepto-Bismol is another example I can think of off the top of my head along with the EPC (Electric Powered Canoe). All are chronicled somewhere in this collection of crazy thoughts I have posted.

It’s time for another earth shattering idea.

I think we should have “Spray on Toast” Yes, you heard me right. A chemical that comes in a pump spray bottle that will toast bread. The more you pump the darker the toast will be. No more standing around the kitchen waiting for your old crumb filled electric antique to finish heating your bread. Just a couple pumps and you have instant breakfast. We could even offer butter flavored SOT (Spray on Toast) as well as different preserve flavorings to add variety to your breakfast routine.

This could be a simple form of flavored acid or base that would react with the bread to brown it. Once the reaction is finished the chemical would be completely spent and inert leaving no after taste or residue. Think of all the time we would save every morning if we could just spray our bread on the way to work or school. We would make sure it was water repellant as well so our hamburger buns don’t get soggy from that delicious meat juice.


We have robotic vacuum cleaners running around our houses sucking up stray crumbs and cat hair, there are people who spend thousands of dollars on bottles of water when the entire planet is covered in free water (doesn't it also free fall from the sky?) We even have spray on tanning spooge meant to make it seem as if we have time to go to the beach, and my personal all time favorite, Squirt Cheese.

Hell, people are buying electric cars that poison the environment far more than petroleum fueled vehicles trying to impress their friends with how “Green” they are. Just think of all the energy we would save not running our toasters every morning. A thousand watt toaster running for 5 minutes a day (four slices) in one hundred million (100,000,000) households? You get the picture.

Maybe we could get that thief Elon Musk to slap the Tesla name on it and sell a couple million of them for five hundred bucks, half in advance pre-production of course, before he comes out with a cheaper model after he has cornholed you the first time.

We could call it the Tesla Toaster S2.