Tuesday, December 20, 2016

No Scents of Direction…

Black Ice Air Freshener?

What the hell is going on here?

I am buying a rare Volkswagen New Beetle in the next couple of weeks. It is a limited edition car painted with Volkswagens “Snap Orange” paint. Volkswagen only produced this color on the New Beetles in 2002. The car is immaculate and has a ridiculously low amount of miles on it. The lady who owned it kept it garaged and hardly ever drove it. Yes, It is one of those rare deals you wished you had grabbed when you had the chance but never pulled the trigger on. The opportunity you always seem to miss.

Not this time. No siree Bob. I'm going for it. 

So I thought I would go out and grab an orange scented air freshener to put in the car so it smells nice sitting in my garage while hibernating under a nice fabric car cover. Yes, this car will be pampered like none I have ever owned before. I will have it polished weekly and gently rubbed with fine silk and plush cloth diapers by white robbed virgins smelling of lilac. It will only be driven on clear days when birds are happily singing in the trees far enough away to prevent us from being hit by avian shit missiles.

Yes I am excited about this car! I have to fly across the entire continent to pick it up and drive over thirty five hundred miles (3,500) to return him to Florida where he can retire in the warmth he so richly deserves.

I will be the envy of many people.

The problem wth my idyllic fantasy is that I can’t seem to find an orange scented air freshener anywhere.


All I can find are scents like, Black Ice, Clean Linen, Radiant Berries, Shimmering Wonder and Blue Odyssey.

What the hell does Black Ice smell like? I grew up in New England and lived in Northern Arizona. I’ve seen more black ice on roadways than most people ever will. It didn’t smell at all. Not one bit. How could you get that in an air freshener? And what the hell is Blue Odyssey? Can’t say I have ever smelled anything called that before. Radiant Berries sounds like something that you would get out of your garden if you lived near Chernobyl. Shimmering Wonder makes me imagine what a hot glitter infused fart would resemble on a cold winter day.

Whatever happened to scents I can relate to like Lemon, Pine or Cinnamon? What the hell does Cashmere Woods smell like? The only thing I can imagine is how an old grandmother would smell if she was lost in a forest somewhere wearing a sweater. Who would want to spray that around in their domicile? 

If I were going to sell smell good stuff, I would do some serious research as to what the public would want. None of these silly Martha Stewart inspired sissy scents, no sir. If I wanted to attract women I would make scents like Money, Diamonds, or Ferrari. Of course if you were a chick and needed to rely on scent to attract a male you could use Bacon, Football, or Beer scented air fresheners.

Once again, I don’t understand this modern world. I keep thinking of when I was younger and old people would say, “When I was your age…” Yes I know, phones had dials, records were made of vinyl, you walked a hundred miles a day to school and hybrids were vegetables in the garden.

What the hell is happening to me?

Thursday, November 10, 2016


Some dumb ass Californians want their state to secede from the United States of America.

I’m all for it. I’ll support it and I’ll volunteer to work for it. Hell I will even donate money to help make it happen!

Let’s say, just for fun, that you had a disgusting tumor residing in your body siphoning your vital energy and resources away to feed itself. One day the tumor says it wants to leave by itself. What do you say?

Yes, I am comparing California to an ugly benign tumor. If you think about it, Californians really are.

For years California has been infected with far left liberals who have lost all connection with reality.

Examples? Sure, plenty off em.

Look at the taxes those fools pay.
Try to use a charcoal grill to cook a steak in your back yard.
Big screen TV sizes are regulated due to the amount of electricity they use.
Water rationing due to all the agriculture that has priority over human use of water.
Rolling electric blackouts due to overpopulation and not enough energy production
Sanctuary cities where illegal aliens can live free of prosecution for crimes they commit
Drivers licenses for illegal aliens
Free health care for illegal aliens
And so it goes
And so it goes.....

The list of silly ass regulations and nonsense that Californians push and vote for could go on forever. And we (the rest of the country) would be far better off without them. Sure they would be the sixth largest economy in the world if they became their own country, but how much does that number really effect the rest of the country when you factor in how much aid and commerce they would, or wouldn’t, get from the US?

One of my friends, Geo, thinks we should let Mexico have California back. A great idea, but I am afraid it wouldn’t work. Mexico surely wouldn’t want those idiots back. Where would they be able to dump their riffraff across the border if California wasn’t there? Mexico would have to assume the costs of all these now legal immigrants to their new state that they now don’t have. Their own immigrants would bankrupt the Mexican economy.

I’m pretty sure Californians would really like to be Americans when the next huge Earthquake strikes the San Francisco bay area and they need FEMA to bail their asses out or when North Korea starts lobbing missiles into the Pacific Ocean off their coast. Maybe that huge super volcano under Mammoth Lakes will go off and what will they do then? The Port of Los Angeles is the busiest port in the US. I am sure all the other shipping ports along our shorelines would love to grab some of that business when we slap some huge tariffs on products that go through that union controlled port. Californian vegetable produce? Hell it’s all picked by Mexicans who wipe their asses with it anyway. Just think of the potential health benefits of a United States minus California. The collective intelligence of the country would rise significantly if California seceded. What about Silicon Valley you ask? Do you really think Apple and all the other high tech companies would stay in California once the US finished taxing the crap out of their products they import into the country? Look at Honda and Volkswagen. They produce products in the US to keep from paying tariffs we impose on imported goods. Do you think that would change?

We would prosper if California left the union. That huge Democrat electoral state would disappear thereby guaranteeing Conservative and or Republican leadership for the United States pretty much forever.

In short, Calexit is just another pie in the sky stupid idea thought up by idiots and aggressively sold to the do-gooder morons of the sate who don’t know any better. As much as I love the idea it just ain’t gonna happen. But I will buy a t-shirt supporting them!

It’s a damn shame really. Think of the jobs we would create by building that wall to keep those west coast infidels out!

The 2016 Presidential Erection

Yes I’m cheating. 

I am typing this a couple days after the election is over so I know already what has happened.

First the obligatory data from November 8 2016:

Dow Jones Industrial Average    18,259 points
Gold Futures                               $1,281.00/oz
Silver Futures                               $18.34/oz
WTIC Crude Oil                                $44.60/bbl

For the last couple elections I have been documenting these indexes here so you my constant reader, can observe our countries progress, or decline.

You may have noticed that I have been mysteriously absent from the blogosphere during this election. I apologize for this as whenever I ponder the depth of depravity our election system has sunk to I develop very painful and uncontrollable shit cramps and have to run to the biffy for a prolonged episode of explosive diarrhea. You know the kind where you have to drag in the pressure washer to scrub the bottom of the toilet seat with a solution of high temperature water and industrial strength swimming pool chlorine.

Sorry that was so graphic, but it’s true.

“Don’t Blame Me, I Voted for Gary Johnson” is the slogan on the t-shirt I just ordered. And I really believe it. I did vote for some down ticket Republicans who I thought would do a good job but that’s about it. I left the Republican Party a few years back as I was disgusted by the social and political stands they were taking. To this day I have no regrets.

Well that’s not entirely true, I regret I couldn’t do more to advance the Libertarian ideals in my state and country. Let me make this perfectly clear (Thanks Dick) I am not a shite Libertarian. An example would be that I do believe the Federal Reserve Bank is evil and should be dismantled. I do not,however, go so far as to believe that each state should be allowed to print their own currency as a local Libertarian fanatic running for office suggests.

So now the election is over. Trump beat Clinton. 

All this does is verify what we all knew. Hillary Clinton was the weakest candidate the Democrats have ever nominated for president. Donald Trump beat her. Trump was the most vilified candidate the Republicans have ever had. Numerous senators and congressmen as well as a couple of former Republican presidents refused to support or even vote for him! The most hated of the 16 Republican candidates got the nomination and he still beat Clinton. In doing so he even flipped a couple of Democrat stronghold states like Michigan and Ohio. This is all a testament to how pathetic Hillary Clinton really is/was.

The real loser here is the American public. Not because a perverted, foul-mouthed old man is now our president-elect, but because of the WAY he won. It is now perceived that the way to win an election is to be as disgusting and foul-mouthed as possible. I will bet you anything you like that the next presidential election will resemble more of a professional wrestling cage match or mud wrestling contest in an open septic field than an intelligent discussion of who will rule the free world.

Maybe we would have been better off if Clinton had won and started a nuclear war with the Russians. At least then we would have a complete and total reset of our values and morals.

My last word is; Hold on, it’s gonna be a very bumpy four year ride.

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Her Name is Rio and She Dances on the Sand

I just have to go to Brazil.

Not for any silly soccer matches. I had enough of those obnoxious plastic horns when they played the last World Cup in South Africa. No, I’m not going for the Olympics. I have no desire to watch pre-pubescent 12 year old girls bend themselves around the parallel bars to impress some communist gymnastic judges. If I want to see women bending around a pole I will go to Las Vegas or Whackos.

I really would like to see the harbor at Rio de Janeiro as it is one of the 7 natural wonders of the world. I have seen the Grand Canyon, I will be seeing the Northern Lights in September. That would leave only four more. But I would have to go to Asia, Mexico, Australia and Africa.

“But Chuckie, Isn’t that going to cost a lot of money.” I hear you cry.

Yup. That’s why I want to go to Brazil.

You see, The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) in Atlanta is looking for male volunteers with the Zika virus to donate semen for medical research. So far they have 40 volunteers. They want 210 more.

These guys get to donate twelve semen samples every two weeks for our government to study how the disease is transmitted sexually. The volunteers would be needed for six month periods.

But wait. I haven’t gotten to the best part yet!

Your government is PAYING these volunteers for their semen! That’s right, you heard me correctly! The United States government is paying fifty ($50.00) dollars per semen donation! That is twelve hundred dollars ($1,200.00) a month to sit around and jerk off into a vial that is picked up daily by a currier and whisked off to a lab somewhere.

Seventy two hundred dollars ($7,200.00) for six months of looking at porn and jerkin your gherkin! And I’ll bet it’s even tax free!

"But Chuckie, you would have to get the Zika virus wouldn’t you?"

Sure I would, but I don’t care. I am obviously not going to have a baby anytime soon. I am monogamous and Wifey isn’t going to have a child either. The worst that would happen is I have to choke the chicken with a fever or flu symptoms for a few weeks. For seven grand I imagine I could handle that. (Please forgive the pun)

So if you telephone me and the call goes immediately to voice mail you can assume that I am either out of the country or taking care of business.

Taking care of business every day
Taking care of business every way
Taking care of business It’s all mine
Taking care of business and working overtime

Saturday, July 2, 2016

Trapped in the House

Think of Neil Diamond's "Love on the Rocks"

Trapped in the house
what an ugly surprise
the garage door spring breaks
and then your wife cries
you don’t get no respect here
when your trapped in the house

Can’t go to the store
can’t go to the show
There’s a holiday sale at Walmart,  but you just can’t go
Your whole life is ruined
when you trapped in the house.

First the spring it breaks
sounds like a shotgun blasting
suddenly you feel trapped there
with out any place to go.
Then you hear the voices
are they really laughing?
Taunting you inside your head
Your trapped at home just go to bed
stuck behind a half ton door.

You fill out the form
And wait for the call
it’s a holiday weekend
God damn it all
Looks like your here till Tuesday
Trapped in the house

You post it on Facebook
and your friends have to laugh
your masculinity has been cut in half
you look and feel like a pussy
when your trapped in the house

Maybe the neighbors 
will give you a hand
And then maybe not
because its you they can’t stand
You realize your fucked
when you are trapped in the house

How could this happen
and why is it always me?
sitting here bored to tears just posting to my BLOG
That son of a bitch is heavy, I mean it’s REALLY heavy!
Could I move it with the jack
try to prevent a heart attack
Wouldn’t that just be my luck


©MMXVI ChuckieTunes inc.
All Rights Reserved

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

No Fly, No Buy, No Way.

After the recent terrorist attack in Orlando it only makes sense that there are some serious questions being asked. It is obvious that the government is full of politicians trying to score points off of public opinion for the next election.

One of the serious questions floating around is, why was this asshole allowed to buy a weapon and ammunition after he was investigated by the FBI twice? Wasn't he on the secret “No-Fly List” for a while?

There is a very simple and straightforward answer that you may not want to hear.

He was (prior to his death) an American Citizen. He was born here just like you and me. As an American citizen he had the RIGHT to purchase a gun. Period. End of discussion.

Well not really. He was cleared by the FBI of allegations of anti American behavior and possibly terrorist activity twice. As an American citizen protected by the U. S. Constitution, his purchase of a weapon was completely legal. The background check that was performed at the time of purchase came up clean. It was his right the same as it’s your right to purchase and own a gun.

Even if he was on a “No-Fly List” he should still be allowed to purchase a gun. The “No-Fly List” is a list of people who are BELIEVED to be a threat to air safety. The vast majority of them have not been convicted of a crime. Even if he was on the “No-Fly List” he was protected by the U.S. Constitution the same as you and me and would be allowed to buy a weapon.

Hell, Hillary Clinton is CURRENTLY under investigation by the FBI and she is allowed to run for President of the United States.

This is the scary part. If you start letting the government make secret lists of people they consider to be undesirables and then you start to revoke or limit their constitutionally protected rights based on these unproven allegations you are advocating turning this country into a state comparable to NAZI Germany of the early1940s. Ever hear of the Gestapo or Hitler’s SS? The Soviet Union had a powerful secret police that pulled the same tricks on their citizens. How many people disappeared in the USSR without a trace thanks to the NKVD and the KGB?

Do you trust our government that much? The same government who listens to and records your cell phone calls? The same government who ordered the IRS to investigate and harass the conservative Tea Party just because they had a different political ideology than the current administration? This is the same government that is trying to control the insurance industry and will soon have your medical and prescription records. Remember when the government was advocating that they should control how much a CEO of a company should be allowed to earn? The same government passed the Patriot Act which allowed the police or FBI the power to enter your residence, search it and leave without notifying you. No warrant needed.

The Patriot Act was a radical knee jerk reaction to the horrible terrorist attack of September 11 2001. History has shown that every time there is a major strike against or in America we respond by granting the government more and more power to rule our lives in an attempt to keep us safe. More and more of our rights are being stripped away, and we never get them back. You can't legally purchase an AR-15 in Connecticut after the Sandy Hook School shooting.

Do you feel any safer with the additional freedoms that have been taken from you? Don’t you sort of get the creeps when you see video cameras everywhere you go watching your every move?

You can’t own a gun in England and they just had a member of Parliament gunned down and killed in the street. Chicago and New York City have some of the strictest gun laws in the world. More people get killed every week in Chicago than happened in the Orlando attack.

Maybe if everyone was armed this domestic terrorism nonsense would decrease or stop. Would that terrorist (I refuse to use his name) have killed as many people in that nightclub if half of the victims were carrying a handgun? If he KNEW that there was a chance that someone would have fought back and he could have been shot himself would he still have carried out his attack? Isn’t it interesting that all these attacks are taking place in “Gun Free Zones”? Movie theaters, college campuses,  elementary schools, bars and gun free workplaces, not to mention gun free cities like New York and Chicago.

Go ahead and reply to this BLOG and try to make an intelligent argument for gun control. I dare you. Here’s your chance. Try to change my mind. Remember I said an “Intelligent Argument”.

Meanwhile I am going to go and clean my AR-15.

Friday, June 17, 2016

When you wish upon a star....

All you have to do is close your eyes……

Just imagine how the good folks at Disney are going to profit from all this recent publicity. You can bet your sweet Bippie that those public relations masters are right now trying to figure out a way to make a bucket full of cash out of the recent mauling of that two year old kid from Nebraska.

I wonder why they don't ask me? You just knew I would come up with a practical, if not horrific, idea to make a buck off of this so called tragedy.

Welcome to Disney’s Reptile Safari!

First we would lower the water level in that man made lake behind the Grand Floridian Beach Resort a few feet. Once that fertile and marshy area has a chance to grow wild for a year or two we start to offer alligator hunting tours along the edges of the swamp. All we need are a couple dozen specially outfitted open top Jeeps and two or three hundred AR-15 rifles to issue to guests who wish to partake in a real Florida vacation experience.

Why not? Disney has Lions and Tigers and Bears (Oh My!) living in the Animal Kingdom park. What’s the difference?

The guests in the Grand Floridian would be charged extra for the rooms over looking the killing fields. Imagine sipping on a cool, tasty frozen beverage on the balcony of your fifteen hundred dollar ($1,500.00) a night deluxe hotel suite watching tourists with guns exterminate prehistoric reptiles. Romance and excitement in one package!

The Disney concessionary department would make a fortune off of the free alligator meat the park could provide. Gator tail popsicles for the kids and gator coladas for the adults. Designer one hundred dollar pairs of Micky Mouse ears made from alligator hides as well as boots, shoes and briefcases.

We would restock the hunting preserve (oxymoron?) with the alligators we trap in our municipalities where they are considered a nuisance species. More trappers would be gainfully employed, cities and towns would be rid of a nasty predatory pest, and poodle owners all across Florida would be able to breathe easier when Fifi is shitting out by the pond in their backyard.

To counter the rising cost of Purina Alligator Chow, those amazing imagineers at Disney could organize a daily children’s only picnic in the middle of the preserve. Free cookies and snacks as well as wading and swimming with the gators. They could even offer discounts for more nutritionally satisfying obese children. Why not? People pay hundreds of dollars to swim with Dolphins all over Florida. The same folks shell out a hundred bucks a day or more to ride roller coasters in the various parks to scare the shit out of themselves. This new innovative park satisfies both emotional needs at the same time. Children from different countries could attend picnics in different parts of the preserve assuring gator meat that is pre-seasoned. Hot & spicy gator that was in the hispanic children’s area, Italian gator meatballs and spaghetti from children from southern Europe. The possibilities are endless and lucrative. 

The money the hunting trips generate would more than pay for the legal fees and compensate the lousy parents who let their kids wade in a pond in Florida after dark. Want your take your kid swimming in tropical Florida at night? Just stop at the pool you walked by where swimming IS allowed and let them pee in there. 

Who said Disney doesn’t have something for everyone?

Sing it with me...

“It’s a Cruel world after all, It’s a Cruel world after all, It’s a Cruel world after all, it’s a Cruel Cruel world”.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

The Carbon Conspiracy

Every time I sit down in front of my computer I get inundated with environmental bullshit about all the carbon in the atmosphere and on the Earth due to human beings and climate change. It’s on the television, radio, billboards on the highway and even arrives in my mailbox outside as junk mail.

I don’t know where all the experts on carbon have come from. Surely they can’t all be materials scientists or have even taken high school chemistry. My guess is they are all pretty dimwitted folks who think they are standing up for an intelligent and meaningful cause. I guess you might think that is somewhat noble of them but imagine being a hunter and bagging a Peterbuilt instead of a deer.

The reason carbon has got my goat this morning is that the amount of carbon on the planet has not changed in the last few hundred years. Yup, you read that correctly. The amount of carbon on the planet right now is actually a little less than when the dinosaurs roamed around.

What? Are you kidding Chuckie? Have you been smoking crack or overdosed on pop tarts or something?

No, No, and No.

You see, Carbon is an ELEMENT. it is number 6 on the periodic table. It cannot be destroyed or created except by a nuclear reaction or a particle accelerator (theoretically anyway) All the carbon on Earth came from interstellar nuclear reactions on the Sun and/or distant stars. There is as much carbon on the Earth as there was a billion years ago before humans ever started to evolve.

The reason I say that the net amount of carbon on our planet has gone down is to account for the minuscule amount that we have sent into outer space and other planets and moons in our space program. We have sent more carbon to our moon than human beings have ever created on Earth in our entire existence.

That being said, carbon can bond with and be liberated from other compounds. It happens all the time. Every time you use your fireplace or fire up the BBQ you are moving around carbon atoms. BUT THE AMOUNT OF EARTH BOUND CARBON STAYS THE SAME! Driving your car or even eating a pizza does the same thing.

Three and a half billion years ago (3,500.000,000) this planet was a semi liquid blob of molten rock measuring in at thousands of degrees. Since then we have had numerous periods where the planet was a little hotter and a little colder than it is now. The Earth was even frozen completely over with ice at one point. All this before there were Republicans around to blame it on. We, as a species, are not even a pimple on the ass of the Earth in the grand scheme of things.

Assuming we can change the evolutionary future path of this or any planet is the height of human arrogance and unmitigated greed.

Yes Greed. You don’t think anyone is making a buck off of this Global Warming/Climate Change nonsense? Is Al Gore’s house bigger than yours? Do you fly around in a private jet like Michael Moore? Do you have a Junk Science show or special on a cable channel like some of these high paid phonies (read Bill Nye) do? 

Wow! If you really are that stupid, just send me all your money! I will promise to say things that will make you feel all warm and fuzzy.

I live in Nigeria.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

The Ideas Keep Coming...

After somebody (yes, just one person) read my BLOG yesterday on how human beings should have invented Spray On Toast by this point in our evolution, I have become motivated to submit more of my brilliant ideas to our collective human existence.

Take the kitchen for example. Every modern kitchen has one dishwasher. Clearly that’s not enough. Anytime I want a pot or pan or special glass for my evening lager it’s in the dishwasher. If I ever build a house my kitchen will have two dishwashers. I will also have a urinal in the kitchen as well. Whenever I get a single drop of water on my hands when I am cooking something I have to stop to go pee. This inconvenient biological design flaw always seems to occur at a critical moment in a recipe that I am either making or developing. Sure you may think it’s gross, but I would wash my hands when finished and would keep it clean and fresh smelling.

My bathroom would have a Biffy Bubbler (see earlier BLOG posts) and a pressure sensitive switch built into the toilet seat to activate the fart fan. Said fan’s intake would be much closer to the actual “scene of the crime” and would exhaust into the attic of the house thereby killing any bugs and mice that may reside there.

The thermostat for the house would be in the bedroom not the front hall. No one lives in my front hall. I spend most of my time inside in the bedroom in bed. I would have a temperature probe between the sheets tied into the the cooling and heating system of the house to maintain the optimum sleeping environment.

My computer would be tied into a ultra-high voltage power line connected to my “Spam Zapper” device. When I turn on my computer and check my email, this accessory would automatically electrocute any asshole who sends me spam about acquiring a Russian Bride or tries to sell me Viagra from Canada.

I haven’t decided if I want a flame thrower or an electronic device to obliterate any drones that fly over my property. Both sound like a lot of fun. Maybe the infrared carbon dioxide LASER that I am building would do the trick, although it would be hard to aim and the collateral damage could be significant. Now wouldn't that piss off the FAA! A 100 watt infrared LASER that could burn through granite mounted in my backyard when I live 5 miles form an airport. Are those black helicopters I hear coming my way?

Is this shit too much to ask for? How hard can this stuff be?

And don’t get me started on my disgust with the food industry. It makes no sense whatsoever that we still don’t have aerosol spaghetti noodles. God damn you Chef Boyardi.  Some asshole invented Silly String. Why not Chuckie’s Aerosol Pasta? Think of the lives we could save by dropping CAP cans over starving countries. What an amazing idea for emergency hurricane and disaster kits. School lunchrooms would never be boring again! Think of the ease and convenience of making dinner when on a camping trip. Obviously the pasta would be biodegradable and non-toxic, unlike that plastic shit in Silly String, so it could be sprayed at weddings without killing innocent birds like rice does. Maybe that's why Chef Boyardi hasn't come up with (or stolen) the idea yet.

Non-toxic aerosol pasta in a can? Whooda thunk it?

My brain hurts. I am going to go take a nap now.

Friday, June 10, 2016

My Next Brilliant Idea...

I have been racking my poor little brain trying to come up with inventions that will benefit mankind after I am gone. Let’s face it folks, life is a zero sum game. We all are going to drift off eventually to Flying Spaghetti Monster Heaven one day so we might as well make every day count and do whatever we can to bolster our individual legacies.

I know I am a cynical and sarcastic bastard. This BLOG obviously belabors that point. I have tried to uplift mankind with a few positive suggestions in my tenure on this planet. The Raisin Powered Nuclear Reactor is just one of many ideas I have come up with to make life more fulfilling for my fellow human beings. The five gallon bucket of Pepto-Bismol is another example I can think of off the top of my head along with the EPC (Electric Powered Canoe). All are chronicled somewhere in this collection of crazy thoughts I have posted.

It’s time for another earth shattering idea.

I think we should have “Spray on Toast” Yes, you heard me right. A chemical that comes in a pump spray bottle that will toast bread. The more you pump the darker the toast will be. No more standing around the kitchen waiting for your old crumb filled electric antique to finish heating your bread. Just a couple pumps and you have instant breakfast. We could even offer butter flavored SOT (Spray on Toast) as well as different preserve flavorings to add variety to your breakfast routine.

This could be a simple form of flavored acid or base that would react with the bread to brown it. Once the reaction is finished the chemical would be completely spent and inert leaving no after taste or residue. Think of all the time we would save every morning if we could just spray our bread on the way to work or school. We would make sure it was water repellant as well so our hamburger buns don’t get soggy from that delicious meat juice.


We have robotic vacuum cleaners running around our houses sucking up stray crumbs and cat hair, there are people who spend thousands of dollars on bottles of water when the entire planet is covered in free water (doesn't it also free fall from the sky?) We even have spray on tanning spooge meant to make it seem as if we have time to go to the beach, and my personal all time favorite, Squirt Cheese.

Hell, people are buying electric cars that poison the environment far more than petroleum fueled vehicles trying to impress their friends with how “Green” they are. Just think of all the energy we would save not running our toasters every morning. A thousand watt toaster running for 5 minutes a day (four slices) in one hundred million (100,000,000) households? You get the picture.

Maybe we could get that thief Elon Musk to slap the Tesla name on it and sell a couple million of them for five hundred bucks, half in advance pre-production of course, before he comes out with a cheaper model after he has cornholed you the first time.

We could call it the Tesla Toaster S2.

Monday, May 30, 2016

"A Planet Where Apes Evolved From Men?"

Try to follow along with me on this one.


What a bunch of stupid nonsense.

For those of you who are living under rocks and don’t have internet access on your Idiot Phone (iPhone), Harambe is/was a 400 pound gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo.

Some dumb ass sorry excuse for a parent took their eyes off of their four year old child while on a trip to the zoo in Ohio. (Imagine that, someone in Ohio doing something stupid, go figure) The child was “inquisitive” and climbed down into the enclosure where the gorillas live. In order to save the child (only God knows why) the zoo keepers were forced to shoot and kill a 400 pound primate before it could seriously harm or kill the intruder.

"Take your stinking paws off me you damn dirty ape!"

So now some jerk-off, with more technology than intelligence on Twitter, thinks the zoo acted irresponsibly when they killed the monster gorilla and he created the hashtag  #JusticeforHarambe. Stupid people all over the world are now outraged this animal was killed to save this human child and think the zoo employees should be reprimanded or even fired.


I don’t know how twitter even works, but I am pretty sure I wouldn’t want MY name attached to such putrid moronic internet garbage.

Some say they should have shot the beast with a tranquilizer dart. Others say they should have dumped in a ton of Purina Gorilla Chow and distracted the monster away from the kid. Sure, a dart full of Vodka that takes fifteen minutes to work wouldn’t piss off that big Ape and send him on a rampage. Didn’t you see Pierre Boulle’s masterpiece?  Tranquilizing that gorilla, Harambe, Macgilla or whatever his damn name was, could have sparked off the Great Ape uprising that would have the potential to end all human life on this planet. 

Personally I would have held out for a Taser gun or something with more entertainment value.

The bottom lines are: first, hold on to your damn offspring at the zoo if you don’t want him/her wandering off and getting mauled. Secondly, how dare you come down on the zoo officials for shooting the animal when the child could have been killed. Imagine for a moment if it was your brat. All the bleeding heart animal rights activists would probably shoot the ape themselves if their precious spawn was in danger.

Of course you knew I would have an idea or two on the subject.

If you are a parent and you don’t keep your kid firmly under control in potentially dangerous situations, you are probably too stupid to have children anyway. If all these dangerous zoo animals had the chance to eat a few low IQ visitors a week we would all be better off anyway. For us intelligent and pragmatic people there would be fewer dumbasses walking around we have to deal with. The zoo would save a ton of cash buying Gorilla Chow, and there would be fewer people to vote for Bernie Sanders in the up coming election farce.

I don’t know which is a better candidate for the Darwin Awards. It’s a close one with people who jump into wild animal cages or us Americans with the pathetic choice we have been presented with for our next president.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

The Nauru Threat.

The what? What the hell are you ranting about now Chuckie?

I’ll tell you.

No this isn’t another tropical election year flu that threatens to destroy the human race for the sake of votes. You know the kind I am talking about. This isn’t some self absorbed dictator of a third world country who pissed in our corn flakes. This is a real live country I’m talking about.

Never heard of Nauru? I’m not surprised.

Nauru is a microscopic country in the South Pacific Ocean just north of Australia. It is the third smallest country in the world. Only the Vatican and Monaco are smaller. Since it’s an election year they need to be attacked and invaded. We obviously can’t attack the pope and his cronies. The casinos and Grand Prix in Monaco are world famous so they get a pass. Besides, Grace Kelly liked Monaco enough to marry their leader and that’s good enough for me.

You heard me correctly. Nauru. They are a threat to the people of the world and we should expend billions of dollars and at least 5 or 6 lives to "ate" them. I mean of course, decimate, obliterate, incinerate, conquerate their land and then  re-educate and re-locate their population. There are hundreds of people incarcerated on Nauru from the Australian penal system. I am sure some of them were falsely imprisoned somehow. One unjustly drunken condemned Aussie is reason enough to attackerate them and confiscate their wealth and violate their three (3) attractive women. I seriously doubt they have transgender friendly bathrooms either. We must do something about this terrible human rights violation.

It pains me to tears even thinking about these inhumane living conditions. I have feelings after all.

At a little over 8 square miles and around ten thousand (10,000) people we could be done by lunchtime. Of course, due to it’s distance from the US mainland and the proximity of the next election we would have a perfect excuse for drawing out the conflict for at least 4 years, or another presidential term. I am sure there are a couple of tents and a few pick-up trucks we could send half a dozen two billion dollar stealth bombers to drop thousands of fifty thousand dollar bombs on.

Nauru doesn't have an air force, Nauru doesn't have an army or navy. The Girl Scouts could infiltrate, invaderate and captureate them.

They even drive on the opposite side of the road than we do. That in itself should be reason enough to fully commit our armed forces and bankrupt our economy prior to an election. Just think about what would happen if all their people illegally snuck into the United States and started driving on the wrong side of the road, during rush hour no less. Wikipedia claims that the native Nauruans are the most overweight people in the world. Over 40% of the population is afflicted with type II Diabetes. So not only could we introduce them to more healthy mastication, we could also make a fortune selling them over priced Diabetes medication and supplies.

Erecting a wall along the entire west coast of the United States would cost far to much in treasure and human lives especially if we couldn’t use illegal Mexican immigrants as cheap labor. No sir. Full scale, unrestricted all out warfare is the only answer.

But once again, as always, no one will heed my warnings about this, or any, horrific threat to our way of life. The Chinese and Russians have already pumped millions of dollars of foreign aid into Nauru. Nauru even has their own airplane now. Not some little Cessna or Piper Cub. No Sir. They have one (1) brand new 737 and a runway to operate it from.

After all, didn't President Clinton fire cruise missiles at Albania back in 1999. Forgot about that already? That is why I am here to remind you. Always remember: History repeats itself. Especially stupid history.

Just watch the news in the next few months before the election. You will see that once again I am correct.

As always......

Monday, May 23, 2016

Zika Virus My Ass.....

Here we go again. It’s election time in the United States. How can you tell? Pretty easy actually. Another potentially earth shattering, world ending virus has popped up that we need to spend billions on to distract voters from the political circus we are all forced to endure.

Think about it for a minute. Swine Flu, Avian (bird) Flu, SARS, Mad Cow Disease, Ebola and now the Zika Virus. I can’t wait for them to declare an outbreak of Okeechobee Possum Flu. I wonder how much that will cost us?

Me cynical? You bet your sweet ass I am. How many Americans died from Ebola in the last major world outbreak? Maybe a handful? One or two in the US came down with it and the rest were aid workers who voluntarily went into the infected region to combat the disease. So basically the panic and insanity that issued was a complete waste of time. Funny how these terrible diseases don’t really gain a foothold where modern medicine and high quality medical care is available.

Look at Bird Flu. Millions of chickens have died. If it crosses over to humans it could be a disaster. Mad Cow Disease is the same story.  If humans contract it we are all goners. Or so the government and the press would have you believe. Somehow we are all still alive. Must be because our politicians are on guard defending us and spending more and more of our tax dollars.

Zika Virus is the exact same story. People in under developed countries have come down with a disease that could cause microcephaly (decreased head and brain size) in some children born from mothers who contracted the virus. What a horrible tragedy. Anytime a baby is sick it sort of grabs us and twists our insides into knots. The media and government are aware of this human trait and exploit the shit out of it.

Am I a sick bastard for pointing this out? Well, Maybe. But considering how many infants die in under developed countries with inadequate medical care and facilities in equatorial regions anyway may shed some light on how trivial this “epidemic” really is at this point in time.

And now the government of the United States of America has it’s knickers in a twist over this supposed potential pandemic threat. So far, as of 23 May 2016, not one case in the US has been confirmed that was transferred via mosquito. Every case to date here is travel related. A few cases have been confirmed via sexual contact with infected people who traveled to the outbreak’s region. but no one so far in the US has acquired Zika Virus from a local insect bite. It's not even known yet if mosquitos native to the United States can even spread the virus.

More people will die of Leprosy world wide this year than Zika Virus. More people will die of Scurvy this year than Zika Virus. Far more children will die this year from furniture falling on them than people who will die from the Zika Virus. Can you even imagine how many people die from drowning every year? 

If we were serious about combating this mortal threat to humanity we would bring back the widespread use of the insecticide Dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane. More commonly known as DDT. DDT works quite well at eradicating mosquito populations. It is estimated that DDT could save almost a million human lives a year if it wasn’t banned back in the early seventies and eighties. Sure a few Bald Eagles and other predatory bird species were shown to have elevated levels of the chemical in their systems and some thinning of their subsequent egg shells, but is that really a concern when we are facing the potential extinction of the human race? (A little over dramatic on purpose to make the point).

Once again we are being intentionally distracted by a seemingly minor epidemic during an election season where far more important issues and concerns beg our attention.

A shame we can’t spray for politicians. They are far more destructive and annoying than any insect that I know of…..

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Feel the Bern?

Well now this is gonna be interesting.

In Puerto Rico senator Bernie Sanders is trying to drum up support to win the 40 delegates the island’s democrat party will be sending to their national nominating convention.

In typical say anything to get the idiots to vote for me fashion, he promised the same old thing he’s been spewing to the uneducated American public his whole campaign, He promises lower taxes, higher minimum wages, free college, free health care and free everything else you can imagine, our favorite socialist is also saying we should make Puerto Rico the 51st state!

So lets see here, Bernie is spending campaign dollars to waste time in Puerto Rico hunting delegates? Does anyone really believe he will ever go back there? Puerto Rico residents can’t even vote in the US presidential election! He will say ANYTHING to win the primary delegates and then he will vanish like Casper the Friendly Ghost! Does he think kissing the Puerto Rican's asses will give him a chance to win New York state in the general election? Even though there are more PuertoRicans in New York than Puerto Rico it still won't be enough to matter.

The new and interesting twist is that Bernie thinks we should take on Puerto Rico as our newest state. Is this just a desperate delegate hunting promise or does this fool really want to assume and/or forgive Puerto Rico’s massive debt that they have just defaulted on? How do we accomplish that? Our whole country is over nineteen trillion dollars ($19,000,000,000,000.00) in debt already. That number takes up more space numerically than alphabetically! Does this guy really think we/they are going to fall for this?

I guess you can promise a fool anything and he will believe it these days. The democrats have been making insane promises to the poor forever and the poor never get anywhere. THEY ARE STILL POOR!  They are no better off than they were before, but every election cycle it’s always the same promises to the same people with the same outcomes.

The last time I felt the “Burn” was when Carl and I dated the same girl from Alaska who was staying in our coed dorm one summer in college. I went out with her Friday night, Carl took her out Saturday night. She flew home after the Volleyball camp on Sunday morning and on the following Friday Carl and I both got huge penicillin shots in the ass to show for it! Luckily, it was only non-specific urethritis (NSU) and not the more serious gonorrhea. It took almost a week for us both to “Feel the Burn” but the lesson was clear.

We were infatuated by what looked good on the outside, something that looked and felt good at first and we were both screwed quite well. The burning pain came afterwards when we realized what we had gotten into.

I really hope the American public doesn’t get to “Feel the Bern” the way Carl and I did.

That wasn’t any fun at all and I can’t imagine feeling it for a full four year presidential term…..

Monday, May 16, 2016

Pecker Checker Czar....

***** Caution: Adult Themes and Language*****

Oh yeah, You read that right.

It looks like President Dumb-Shit will soon be making another executive appointment. This time this constitution violating appointment will be for the new head of the federal Pecker Checker Office. 

The head of the new PCO will be in charge of making sure every public school in America complies with the new transgender decree the Obama administration has dreamt up. Every public school in this once great and proud country of ours will now be required to let students use which ever bathroom or locker room they wish depending on the gender they feel like belonging to.

Yup, you read it correctly. If you are a “person” of high school age who happens to have a penis attached to your area where genitals hang out (cute huh!) you will now be allowed to use which ever restroom or locker room you choose. We have to protect your rights as an individual and make sure we don’t offend you after all. We want you to know that we care about what you think.

I thought TransGendered meant you had a sex change operation and physically became a member of the opposite sex, not just a crossdresser who likes to wear the other genders clothing. I couldn't wear sexy women's underwear any way as I would be arrested for walking around sporting a tent from all that sexy satin and silk constantly rubbing on Mr. Happy.

So this means that after a spirited practice on the football field where the young people with male appendages are all worked up into a testosterone induced frenzy, will get to peel off their jock straps and head off into the persons with vaginas locker room and take their showers if they want to.

Sound like a good idea to you? Innocent enough?  I don’t think so.

Now I don’t care what people have under or in their pants, skirts, kilts, kimonos or what ever the hell they cover their middle sections with. I really don’t. And if a hot looking person with a vagina wants to enter the restroom I am currently using and do his/her business it’s no skin off of my nose (yuck!)

I just am not sure how intelligent it is to allow or encourage young people, or anyone for that matter, to invade the realm of those sporting different reproductive equipment for the purpose of eliminating their bodily waste fluids or materials.

Damn! It’s exhausting trying to think up ways to say this without using offensive terms like male, female, dick or twat and I’m not going to do it anymore.

Everyone has heard of cases where children have been lured into public restrooms and abducted or molested. High school girls and cheerleaders are sexually assaulted far more often than you might think or is reported. What kind of stupid fucked up thinking would in anyways condone or legally try and protect such a stupid policy? Is coming up with such an asinine and potentially disastrous policy really make sense in order to win over the pervert vote in November? Is this really going to become a campaign issue? Are there really that many perverts registered to vote out there?

Hope and change was a very catchy slogan. Lots of people fell for it. Just ask Bruce Jenner, or whatever the fuck it’s name is now, how it feels about it. Do you really want that walking up to a urinal at a restroom in a football stadium and pulling out it’s prick to take a leak next to your ten year old son? Hell, does it even have a prick now? That’s a pretty disgusting and expensive surgical procedure. I guess we will find out when it poses nude in Sports Illustrated later this year. (Double Yuck)

To be honest, I really don’t give a shit where anyone pees. But I don’t have pretty young daughters to worry about either. My wife is a nurse and we have two machetes. Enough said there.

Regardless of what your birth certificate says or how you feel, If you are sporting a penis, no matter how big or small, use the men’s (penis equipped) room. If you have a vagina, you use the room designated for those with that form of plumbing more commonly referred to as the ladies room. Wanna pee with the ladies? Go spend the cash and get yourself a custom made vagina.

Shit, I’ll bet Obamacare would pay for it. Hell, our backwards thinking asshole government may even spend our taxpayer dollars to subsidize it for you.....

Thursday, May 12, 2016

Dropping the "F" Bomb....

Hello again everybody!

So let’s see what is going on since the last time I sat down and blogged to my loyal audience of no one.

Ahhhhh here we go, President Dumb-Shit is going to drop by Hiroshima during his upcoming trip to Japan and apologize for America dropping the atomic bomb on their insane relatives 60 plus years ago. Apparently some of our highly educated political youngsters are of the belief that we Americans were mean and barbaric because we cooked our enemy’s ass to bring about an end to World War II.

I consider my self pretty intelligent and halfway educated. I was taught that the United States dropped the atomic weapons on Japan to expedite the end of the war. Hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of American AND Japanese would have died if we had to invade the Japanese mainland. The Japanese soldiers were insanely dedicated to their emperor and the ideal of an invincible Japan. They even had some of their best pilots brainwashed into flying suicide one way missions, with their planes filled with high explosives of course, into our warships. Human cruise missiles on a one way trip to death and pseudo glory. They left us no choice, we had to drop the bomb.

But now this current generation of over educated smarty pants assholes, who have never faced the horrors of a world war, have decided that it was immoral and evil to have obliterated two of the enemy’s industrial cities.

How dare they spout that ignorant shit! Would it have been better to lose a million plus lives trying to capture the Japanese mainland with a ground assault? They fought like honey badgers. They would have never given up.

“You don’t know that is what would have happened” is the current answer these amazing products of higher liberal education like to say as a response to the previous generations logic.

Yes I do. And I can prove it.

You honestly think the Japanese would have surrendered if we didn’t drop Fat Man and Little Boy on them? Well think about this, stupid,

Why didn’t they surrender after we dropped the first one on them? We hit them with the most powerful weapon the world has ever seen and they didn’t give up right then? We had to clobber them again a couple days later before they decided to throw in the towel. Only the threat of continued atomic attack forced them in to surrendering.

Using the atomic bomb on the Japanese mainland saved probably at least a million lives if not more. They sure as hell would have used it on us first if they had the ability to do so.

But I guess the liberal, tenured professors in our warped higher education system do not recognize this simple logic. College students today are only taught about the evil and vile United States of America and that every problem in the world is our fault. You name it, from Global Warming (now called Climate Change) to the rapid rise of Radical Islam, we are to blame somehow.

Our president is a graduate of Harvard. It used to be that a degree from Harvard commanded a certain level of respect and admiration. Parents wanted their children to grow up and go to Harvard. Not me, If I had children I would rather they be welders or plumbers than get within ten miles of Harvard. 

I started this post thinking about the “F” bomb tie in. I was going to try and be cute and politically correct by referring to it as the Fool Bomb. As in the Fool who is going to go apologize for it….But I know you wouldn’t buy it. To well you know me.  Nope I’ll say it, Our president is going to go and make a fucking fool out of himself in Japan and shame everyone who believes in and loves America. As if that is anything new.

Wouldn’t Thurston Howell III (another Harvard man) be proud……

Saturday, March 19, 2016

My Foreign Policy Solutions.

Since everyone is only capable of saying “Anyone can point out the problems. What are your solutions Chuckie?” I thought I would tell you some of my brilliant ideas for fixing the messes we are in now.

I’ll start with Foreign Affairs first.

Run from the Border.

The first thing we do is stop all foreign aid to Latin America for a year or two. We take all that money and build our wall and hire a shitload more Border Patrol agents. Once we have the wall secured, we inform our neighbors to the south that we will turn the faucet of money back on once they get serious about helping us stop the illegal drug trafficking into the United States. The money we send them only goes to the corrupt politicians in power down there anyway. Hit em where it hurts and maybe things will change.

North Korea, Lil Kim and Syria?

Simple. We have a couple missile tests of our own. Fire an ICBM from say Montana towards North Korea. Have the ten MIRV warheads be unarmed and bracket the country. Maybe the thought of 10 hydrogen bombs raining down on his cities and countryside might dissuade that dummy from rattling his saber. We also place Patriot Missile batteries in Japan and South Korea. A few on warships patrolling the off the coast of North Korea could shoot down any missiles tests they decide to have in the future.

We could do the same thing to Syria. Land a few empty missile warheads in a few ISIS controlled areas and let’s see what happens. If they don’t get the message replace them with enhanced radiation warheads and kill everything alive there. Even bacteria. Then we march in and clean the place out, loot all the resources and let them rebuild their region themselves. It worked on the Indians. Why not there?

Russia and the Ukraine Crisis?

Simple. We build my Trans Poland Pipeline I previously outlined in another BLOG post. We then place missiles and troops in Ukraine and Poland to defend our Nato Allies. We get increased American shipping, We SELL our excess natural gas overseas thereby creating thousands of jobs, Secure Eastern Europe and everyone is happy, except Russia. Fuck them.

The Cuba issue?

Fuck them as well. We stop all this nonsense about opening up trade with Cuba. We BLOCKADE their ass until the Castros are gone and they have free and democratic elections. We will not support them or help them in ANY way as long as those human rights abusing animals are in power. No cruises, golf courses or tourist money gets in at all. I would even make it a no fly zone so other countries couldn’t get in there to help those low life dictators as well. Once those murdering assholes are out of power we can deal with them as civilized human beings.

International Gateways?

I would make it so that there would be only a few ports of entry into the United States. Say London, Paris, and maybe one in Germany. Only a couple in Africa as well. If you want to fly into the US you have to go through these specific airports to do so. We build secure processing facilities there and make it so we can control who actually comes here. We could check backgrounds, medical status, and potential terrorist activity. Imagine how safe and secure we could have been when SARS or the Ebola virus was floating around. Same thing with South America and the Caribbean. Shut off a few key entry points and your house is secure. I lock my doors at night. The country should do the same thing.

The Canada Problem.

What? There is a Canada problem? You bet your sweet ass there is. We start taxing the shit out of Canadian tourists coming to America. If they don’t speak English we double the fees.  All of the RVs that swarm across the border in the fall to escape the Great White North are a huge missed opportunity for us to make some quick cash. Where else are they going to go? It’s not like they have any other easily reachable borders to cross. We could make a lot of money off of the amazing Canadian Medical System that sucks so badly all of their citizens come to the US for health care. We place a special Canadian/foreign medical surcharge on all procedures performed on non US citizens. That will teach them to go south of the border like our drunk, horny soldiers and schoolboys do with Mexico! Let all this money fund the Great Wall of Canada! After it’s constructed we then dump that revenue into our social security system. Let Canada pay for our retired citizens!

As you can see, I have single handedly solved all of our State Department’s major issues before lunch. The ironic part is I didn’t even have to set up a private Email server to do it! Yes, I am that good.

I should be the new voice of World Control.

2016 Presidential Erection. Part II….

Well let’s see now, since I penned part one of this saga Marco Rubio has dropped out of the race leaving three contenders for the Republican nomination. I suppose I will start with John Kasich.

Mr. Kasich is the Governor of Ohio. The reason you have never heard of him is that no one knows who he is. Pretty obvious to me! And yes you read that right. A Republican Gov. in a union infested, liberal cesspool state like Ohio. To me that disqualifies him right off the bat. To “Get Along” in a state full of overpaid crooked union vipers must prove that you have a ton of dirt and unholy shit buried in your past somewhere. I have watched the debates and if I hear him pontificate about how he was there when the budget was balanced one more time I will scream. As of today, Kasich has 143 delegates committed to him for the first vote during the convention. He needs 1,237. He cannot get enough delegates to win the nomination! He is staying in the race hoping that Trump doesn’t reach the magic number and he will be crowned the nominee by a more rational thinking set of delegates. His nomination would assure Hillary Clinton wins the general election. But that doesn’t seem to matter to him. This is an ego issue for Johnny. Someone must have kicked sand in his face at the beach when he was younger.

Ted Cruz, a U.S. senator from Texas, has 423 delegates pledged to vote for him so far. Unlike Kasich, he can mathematically win the nomination if he sweeps all the remaining primaries. He seems to be a two faced, politically motivated fence straddler who’s opinion can be bought or traded away with the changing wind or opening of a wallet. His obstructionist views and opinions have made it so his own party can’t stand him. Only a couple of his fellow Republican senate colleagues have endorsed him. It is also fairly clear that he has been the king of dirty tricks during the election. On numerous occasions his staff has sent out tweets and emails saying that his opponents were conceding the primary elections and dropping out of the race. To the millions of idiots who live and breathe by what comes across their stupid smart phones, this appears to be gospel. Sure all is fair in love and war, but do you really want someone who stoops so low to get elected to be in charge of the country for the next 4 years? All this while purporting to be the moral and religious conservative that America needs to get us back on the right track. This guy is just another sleazy television preacher with bad hair and funny clothes begging for your money while making ridiculous promises to the dimwitted masses.

And since we are on the subject of assholes, We now are left with Donald Trump. Trump has 678 delegates to the convention. His shallow and sweet smelling message of “We will make America great again” sounds cool to the average voter who doesn’t know any better. This guy is a huckster plain and simple. He bitches about illegal immigrants stealing American jobs but has used them in the past to build his business empire. He has run four companies into the ground, then declaring bankruptcy for them thereby letting thousands of workers lose their jobs. He then says “I just used the existing laws to my advantage”. The problem is, you can’t do that with the American government. His attacks and ugly statements towards women and minorities will insure the Democrats elect Hillary Clinton as our next Felon in Chief. Trump is self funding his campaign. He says he could raise millions to finance his run. Bullshit. The big Republican donors have and will run from him like the plague. HIs campaign relies on free publicity. How does he manage that? Pretty simple really, He acts the fool. If the village idiot takes his pants off downtown during rush hour it will make the news the first couple of times he does it. Same with saying something controversial and foolish in public. That gets old after a while. Start a riot or encourage violence during a political rally and you are guaranteed top billing during the next news cycle. What's next at his rallys when the violence gets old? Live sex shows? Human sacrifices?

With pissing off and offending all of the female electorate, slandering all of the Hispanic and minority voters, and alienating the Republican mainstream, there is not a chance in hell of Trump defeating the Democrat nominee and becoming president.

The only prayer the Republicans have of winning in 2016 is for the FBI to quit dragging it’s feet and indite and prosecute Hillary Clinton for her crimes against the country. Remember General Petreus? He let his hot biographer girlfriend look at a few notebooks full of his personal memoirs and he was prosecuted and court-martialed. Hillary’s offenses were thousands of times more serious and nothing is being done. If elected, she may become the first president in history to have to pardon herself.

The bottom line here is that we are screwed no matter who gets elected and it’s our own damn fault. 

We have let this happen to ourselves.

Monday, March 7, 2016

The 2016 Presidential Erection….

After playing nice for the last few blog posts trying to hoodwink my new curling friends into thinking I am a nice and normal guy, it’s time to get back to my cynical and analytical roots that have made my blog the International phenomenon it once was.

I am thinking about doing my 2016 election analysis in a couple of parts. Basically like a Batman serial but more exciting.

I think I will start with the Democrat party first, but where to begin? It’s sort of like being at camp when you dropped your fathers expensive flashlight down the hole in the outhouse. You can see it shining down there, but do you go in and get it? Do you hold your breath and crawl down there or do you try and fish it out? And the ultimate question is, “Will it be worth it if and when you do recover it”?

The Democrats are as screwed this year as the Republicans are. They did it to themselves just like the Republicans did. But they don’t seem to mind the odor.

Nobody with an ounce of integrity or common sense likes Hillary Clinton. She is a dishonest, lying, racist, sexist con artist  with a vagina. And to be completely honest, that fact is in doubt as her husband seems to go out of his way to find other ones where ever he goes. Granted some of the women he has “Captured or Conquered Bill Cosby style” are pretty hot looking, the fact still remains. Something is making him look elsewhere. He can’t be satisfied at home. The email scandal and the whole world disintegrating on her watch as Secretary of State must have the Democrats scared to death that she will win the nomination.

With the field of 16-17 Republican candidates running this year it is obvious that they are going to get clobbered news coverage wise.  The Republicans will suck up the majority of the free publicity the news channels and networks are going to give the election. So the Democrats had to think of something fast. Someone figured that if they had a second candidate run against Hillary they could make it so that there would be conflict and news worthy content to send to the press every day. “See we have a race to cover also” So they found the most liberal and crotchety old fool they could find. Someone whose views are so far out there that no one would take him seriously and would give Hillary an easy target to squash in the polls and keep the news from being so lopsided coverage wise in favor of the Republicans.

Enter Bernie Sanders from Vermont.

An admitted socialist believing and spouting some of the same views that convinced the good and unsuspecting people of Germany to freely elect Adolph Hitler in the 1930s would be perfect. No American with an ounce of brains would ever consider voting for him. He is the perfect idiot to let Hillary and the Clinton Machine chew on as a pre convention snack.

Except no one told Bernie Sanders. He mobilized the younger voters to support him. You know, the folks who are more obsessed with their iPhones and twitter accounts than vaccinating their children against deadly diseases. The same kids who have never seen a war in their lifetimes against a real enemy who fought back against us. Snot nosed, know it alls who have never seen a dial telephone. (I never said Bernie was stupid. Even the dullest arrow can hit a target sometimes)

So now the Democrats are really in a pickle. Sanders is surging in the polls because the ignorant, foolish, and uneducated are allowed vote, Hillary is under investigation by the FBI for multiple felonies and campaign finance anomalies. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Joe Biden is waiting in the wings to swoop in like some sort of Super Hero to save the party and win the White House. Yup, the same Joe Biden who once asked a crippled man in a wheel chair to stand up and take a bow at a campaign rally for Barack Obama. (Remember where you heard this first)

Yes my faithful and constant readers, this is going to be a fun one to watch. The terrifying part is that regardless of who wins we, the American public, will lose. We will lose badly. Our freedoms are and will be stripped away from us, government intervention into your lives will increase and the politicians we elected to serve us will continue to exercise more and more control over our lives until we are THEIR servants. Not the other way around as the constitution written by our founding fathers warned.

Brave New World My Ass.

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Curl Up and Learn Something…

This was an amazing week for ole Chuckie. I spent 7 days downtown at the Jacksonville Veterans Memorial Arena watching the USA National Curling Championships. That’s right, Curling, all 7 days and every match.

I know what you are thinking, Has he lost his mind? Spending a week watching a bunch of northern kids flinging biscuits down a frozen unswept shuffleboard court.  Having to wear winter weather clothes, has Chuckie finally lost it for good?

Once again I will prove to you how wrong your assumptions are and that I am, as always, on the cutting edge.

At first this goofy looking sport looks easy, almost too easy. Sometimes things that can be said easily enough are the hardest to do and master. Let’s go to the moon, let’s make a million dollars in Las Vegas, let’s swim across the ocean. All much easier said than done.

The biscuits these people are throwing weigh in at about forty (40) pounds each. Around the same as a frozen 5 gallon bucket of water. The granite they are made out of is mined in only one quarry on the planet. They are carved, more like milled, to tolerances that NASA would be proud of. They cost more than $500.00 new and the ones used for championships have another $500.00+ worth of electronics mounted in them. It takes sixteen (16) of these high priced rocks to play a game.

The ice is groomed so it’s covered with a bunch of tiny “pebbles” frozen to it. Imagine a basket ball with the pimpled texture on it just a little rougher. These pimples are then shaved down to a uniform height measured to the thousandth of an inch. This in itself amazed me. All I know about ice is that it’s cold, slippery, hard, and you grind it up to make Margaritas. They even make these pebbles with de-ionized water! A team of experts from around the country were in Jacksonville just to make ice!

The sweeping of the ice sheet in front of the rock is where the magic comes into play. By sweeping they are actually melting the ice thus forming a temporary microscopic layer of water. This area is slipperier than the drier ice and the rocks direction can be changed. These athletes can direct the 40 pound rock moving at anywhere from one to six miles and hour a couple feet in either direction just by sweeping. They are throwing these rocks at a target a foot in diameter 150 feet away! The closest stones to the center of the bullseye score points. You have to see it to believe it. It is downright spooky. Uri Geller spoon bending type magic!

The most amazing part is that even though these folks are the best in the world at this sport (played by millions around the globe) they are all good friends. I mean hugging each other, hanging out with each other’s families type friends. A National Championship match with 17 teams of four from all around the country, competing for trophies and titles and they are all pals. They smile, slap each other on the back, goof around and party afterwards with each other. This is a sport on ice where everyone carries a stick and I didn’t see one fight and everyone had all their teeth! I was adopted by a couple of these athletes families who gave me a crash course on the sport while sitting with them in the stands. I met and hung out with a three time olympian’s wife and children. Not one asshole or snob in the entire group. Try doing that with NFL or NBA players without bringing along some cocaine.

And don’t even begin to think that these people who master this frozen magic are just “Dumb Jocks”. There are Oncology Nurses, Pharmacists, Flight Test Engineers, Lawyers, Software Developers, Insurance Executives, and Grocery Store Clerks. One guy, I am told, even owns a franchise of 3 Ice Cream parlors…In Fairbanks Alaska!

This sport is called “Chess on Ice” and to me that’s an over simplification. I play chess. Pretty well in fact. In chess you can examine and evaluate the board and plan your moves based on your opponents play. In curling the moves can be anticipated but the placement of the shots and the resulting rebounds are variables and can’t be completely predicted. It is more of a mental exercise than you can imagine, and once you have a basic understanding of what is going on it becomes addicting.

Some of these teams have sponsors to help them offset the cost’s involved in playing and traveling to matches around the country. Most of them don’t. They are doing this because they have curled since they could walk and just love the sport. Try to imagine taking time off from work, flying to Florida in the winter, spending a week to ten days eating restaurant food and living in a hotel to play a sport you aren’t getting paid for. Talk about loving a game. This is amateur athletics at it’s finest.

How hooked am I? Well, Wifey and I are seriously looking at flying to Everett Washington next February to watch the 2017 National Championships. You do the math. Airfare across the country, lodging and eating plus car rental and event tickets to watch kids we don’t know throw rocks on an unswept hockey rink?

You are damn right. 

It’s that good.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Chuckie did WHAT?

If you have been reading my crazy blog rants for anytime now, You probably won't be surprised by anything I say or do.

This time you just may be!

Wifey and I have purchased four (4) mattresses in the 27 years we have been married. Each time we spent more money trying to get the most comfortable and best deal we could find. The last one cost more than a thousand ($1,000.00) dollars. It was one of those fancy pillow top monsters that the contour sheets barely fit on. It weighed a ton and was comfortable as hell….At first.

It was a super duper inner spring job from a pretty big name that rhymes with “Mealy”.

The problem is, well, I’m fat. Ok chubby if it makes you more comfortable. After a few years or so I noticed that when laying on this behemoth I was looking up at Wifey. Yes, the mattress was slowly eating me like a fat juicy fly caught in a Venus Fly Trap. We are talking quicksand here. I was sinking into a hole, divot, cavity or crater in the bed! After a few more months it was getting unbearable.

So I turned the mattress 180° one day, now Wifey had the crater to sleep in. 

Yeah, you guessed it. That didn’t go over very well.

So we started talking about a new mattress. We were watching a college football bowl game and a short commercial came on for a mattress that you order over the internet. Wifey and I looked at each other and thought how silly that sounded. So we immediately went to their web page.

And we are so glad we did.

I read all their information, looked up all their reviews on Amazon and the internet and was very impressed. A couple recent college grads, just kids really, started a company that was so revolutionary in concept I just had to talk to them.

When I contacted the on-line chat guy who popped up in that annoying little box I was flabbergasted. He “Got” me! I asked him what type of paint I should use Latex or Oil based. He screamed at me that I shouldn’t paint it! I asked him what the capitol of Nevada was and he got that right as well. (Most don’t know it’s Carson City) I think I might have freaked him out a little.

We bought the mattress. 

And it’s fucking AWESOME! It has a 100 day guarantee. If you don’t like it they give you your money back. You heard me, they give you your money back. Who else has the balls to offer that? But you won’t want to return it. It is easily the most comfortable mattress we have ever had. Sure we are only two weeks into owning it, but I can tell you that we have never slept as well in our lives.

The price? Well, you can look it up on their web site, but when I went to get a new frame at a mattress store I jumped on a couple of their beds and found that a comparable one was a little over $2,100.00. Yup you read that right, two thousand one hundred bucks. Now that doesn’t really scare me. For the amount of time I sleep on my bed (2,900 hrs per year or more) that’s not a lot of money overall. My new mattress cost less than a third of that!

Check them out on the web. Their name is Tuft & Needle and the  address is: http://www.tn.com.

Just go put on your big boy pants, suck it up and order one. Sure it’s scary spending that much money over the internet, but rest assured (cute huh?) we did and we are tickled shitless. 

It really is that good.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Radio Free Chuckie.....

Chuckie Calling……

I think that will be name of one of my programs once I win the one billion dollar ($1,000,000,000.00) Powerball Lottery next week.

You see, I plan to start my own international shortwave radio station. It will be called “The Voice of Chuckie” and will broadcast is as many languages as I can find friends who speak a foreign language. 

The reason? Well I’ll be honest. If I win a billion dollars why the hell not? What would you expect me to do? Party and drink and fuck myself to death? Where’s the fun in that?

Shortwave radio has fascinated me ever since I was a kid. Dad was a HAM radio operator and made for me a little crystal radio set out of some wire and a toilet paper tube. With an old set of headphones I could pick up WTIC 1080 am in Hartford Ct. Sure it wasn’t from thousands of miles away, but that didn’t matter to a 10 year old kid. I would sit on Dad’s lap in his basement “Radio Shack” and listen to him talk to people all over the world.

It was fucking magic to me plain and simple.

Years later I started getting hooked again on the hobby. In high school, before the demise of Radio Shack stores, I bought a digital shortwave radio. That was really something. Dad showed me how to orient and calculate the length of my long wire antennas so I could pick up stations from around the world. As a poor college student, I had another  much cheaper radio from the “The Shack” that I listened to at night. My friends were out drinking and scoring ugly drunken women and I was home listening to the Russians and British on the shortwave. Yes I was a Nerd of the first order.

I started collecting old Hallicrafters radios at flea markets and off of eBay. I would send them to my dad to restore and play with. It gave him something to do I suppose. He never bitched about it and seemed to enjoy that I was sort of following in his footsteps with my hobby.

later on I became a HAM myself. It used to be that once you retired from the amateur radio hobby your call sign was retired. When that rule was changed my dad’s old call sign was available again. So I studied up, took the test and received his old call sign. I still have it and play with the 2m and 70 cm bands especially during Hurricane season in Florida where I live. Down deep inside I think he is proud of me and secretly pleased that I got his old callsign.

A couple years ago Wifey gave me a very nice (Like $500 + nice) icom digital shortwave radio for Christmas. It is freaking awesome. But there is only one problem. Most of the countries I used to listen to  have discontinued their world band (Shortwave)  broadcasts to North America or closed up shop altogether. Budgetary reasons they say. They now broadcast on the far cheaper internet. Which really sucks.

Sure you don’t get the pops and crackles, fading in and out and whistles like old time shortwave gave you, but the internet stations can be blocked or shut down by the push of a button. You also need a computer or a pretty advanced “idiot phone” to listen nowadays. More government censorship the conspiracy center of my brain tells me.

It pisses me off, it really does.

So therefore I want to start my own radio show. I’ll get Joe, who speaks Spanish, to be my News director, hire a jock to do my sports show. Wifey will be my medical editor. I’ll get Lady Finn’s kids to do the musical segments and I will do the commentary. Joe also has a catholic thing going on so he can be my vatican news update reporter as well.

This makes perfect sense to me as I have already conquered the internet with my award winning informative and entertaining blog which you are now reading.

How can I lose with a line up like that?

Saturday, January 2, 2016

My Latest Stupid Idea.....

“My Name is Chuckie and I live in Jacksonville Florida”

“Hello Chuckie” The group of faceless Jacksonville residents repeated in unison after the JRA (Jacksonville Residents Anonymous) meeting starts..

Why do I attend these meetings, I hear you cry? Well, I'll tell you, I live in about the most backwards and non-sensical city in the country. And that saddens me.

How can that be? How dare you? What do you you base this statement on?

Okay, here are a few examples.

Jacksonville has a budget problem but we spend money on stupid shit as if we were printing it. Look at Metro Park. The city has a gorgeous older concert facility sitting on prime real estate next to the river downtown. The stage is in disrepair after years of the city's neglect. We could drop a few million dollars and upgrade this existing facility into a world class amphitheater. Sounds good right? Wrong. Not to the Jacksonville city council. They just voted to spend forty five million  ($45,000,000.00) of your tax dollars to help the owner of the Jaguars build a new facility downtown on the river. Not a word about upgrading the existing facility.

Yes, you heard me right. The same city council that is involved in ethics investigations for accepting illegal gifts and bribes from the Jacksonville Jaguars just voted to give the owner of the Jaguars forty five million dollars. For a team that is proudly boasting a 5-10 record. “Move on folks, Nothing to see here”.

Where does Jacksonville get all this cash to hand over to the Jaguars to try and keep them from leaving town and lining the cities council members pockets? That's an easy one. They just steal it from other non-essential parts of the cities budget. So we cut the size of the police force, we close a few fire stations. Libraries? Don’t need those. Maintenance to the streets and infrastructure? Put it off a few more years. The streets and utility grids have worked well for fifty years or so, why worry about it now? Hell, let’s just increase the rates at the city owned utility companies while we are at it. Who can fight that? So what if our bridges are falling down, water pipes are breaking, the crime statistics rise and residents are being flooded out of their homes when it rains? This is the Jaguars we are talking about!

The budget issues didn’t bother any of the Jaguars fans until a couple years ago when the budget shortfall was so bad there was talk of cutting the after school athletic programs. Then the shit hit the fan. Why would we want to send our children to school if there wasn’t any football, basketball or baseball for them to play?  Don’t we have any priorities? Funny how that issue was fixed so quickly.

So then the politicians came up with a sneaky answer. They raised fees on city services. Of course they didn’t raise taxes. That’s a political no no. Just fees on things that the residents of the city use and enjoy. Want to go to the beautiful parks at the beach? Open up your wallet. The roads inside of Huguenot park are crumbling away. The city keeps raising the price of admission but never fixes the roads. Where does the money go? Call the city and ask them how much it would cost you to tie up your boat at the Marina on the St. Johns River (that your tax dollars paid for) on a weekend when the Jaguars have a home game. Want to pitch a tent at Hanna Park? You better be prepared to drop $50 to $60 bucks for the weekend.

Since the Jacksonville city council is so keen on blowing your hard earned money on silly shit for the Jaguars, I have the grandaddy stupidest idea of them all.

Let’s build the worlds first floating football stadium.

We could anchor it in the St. Johns river then tow it all over the east coast so that when the Jaguars lose the next game the city doesn’t have to endure the stench of their defeat. If more than a hundred fans show up for a game, we can tow the stadium off shore so the assholes on the other side of the river won’t complain about the noise. I mean c’mon now. We have a football stadium with a couple of swimming pools in it for beer swilling redneck fans to pee in, why not float the whole stadium and run the plumbing from the urinals directly into the river? And when the city has no more money to give, when every taxpayer can’t afford to feed his family, Shad Kahn could tow the stadium somewhere else and milk a new city into bankruptcy.  I wonder if it would make it to London?

It wouldn’t cost that much to achieve this accomplishment either. We could just close all the schools, lay off half the police force and fire department’s, let all of the bad guys out of jail and then raise a few more fees. Simple as pie.

And if we can’t find a material that is buoyant enough to support the incredible weight of the stadium we could just simply bundle more cash together to make floats to hold that boondoggle up.

You got any better ideas?