Saturday, July 25, 2009


Atlanta Georgia, USA. The Centers for Disease Control, CDC, today announced the first reported case of the Okeechobee Possum Flu. “This very deadly strain of the H15N30 or OPF influenza virus has everyone at the CDC scared to death” says CDC public relations manager Ivan Dontknowshit.

It appears that the virus was first discovered in a health care worker in the small rural Florida town of Okeechobee. Attempts to contact anyone there have been difficult as the town only has one telephone and the residents have to climb a utility pole to use it.

What is known so far is that a phlebotomist at the local hospital started to notice some sinus congestion and that he was tired every morning after working his overnight shift. Local residents have overwhelmed the hospital’s emergency room with symptoms as frightening as the sniffles and tummy pains to the dreaded “No speakie engrish".

Meanwhile all the major news networks are scrambling to find Okeechobee so they can set up their satellite trucks on the patient’s front lawn. “If we ever find this place we are going to make this guy’s life hell” said a CNN technician who was munching on a burger at a Stuckey’s near someplace called YeeHaw Junction.

Today President Obama responded by first saying “Okeechobee? Where the hell is Okeechobee and who gives a shit about it” But after a gentle nudge and a whisper from a trusted advisor reminding him of how close the last three presidential elections in Florida have been, the President remarked, “I will take personal charge of this healthcare crisis and I pledge today to spend at least $500,000,000.00 (Five hundred million) of your tax payer dollars to prevent this potential pandemic from spreading to areas more suitable for human existence.”

Floyd the barber, the acting mayor of Okeechobee, sent a letter to the CDC requesting that the strain of flu be referred to by its official designation H15N30 stating that “If someone does figure out where Okeechobee is and might decide to come here we don’t want this flu thingy to scare them off”

Roger Daltry, spokesman for the WHO (World Health Organization) announced that “Once we learn how to pronounce Okeechobee we will decide if we want to initiate any preemptive actions to prevent this horrible pandemic from mutating into something even more frightening like the much feared stomach bug”

In other news, Man trapped in refrigerator eats own foot, and there’s a sale at Penny’s….