Tuesday, March 24, 2009

I Hate Small………

Those of you who know me will attest that there isn’t much that I do small. From building Trebuchet’s and cooking pigs to eating pasta I’m a big guy. Does it get me into trouble? Sure has. Who would have thought that five pounds of steak a day on the Adkins Diet would clog my arteries and get me four bypasses? Didn’t do that small either!

What really chaps me is when I am sick. Wifey goes to the store and brings back some Pepto Bismol to try and take care of the problem. A six ounce bottle? Give me a break. If I need to drink that pink Loctite  I am going to need more than six ounces. The directions say something like half an ounce every 4 hours. I drink the whole bottle in a single gulp. And it works.

Same thing with Nyquil. How am I going to take that wonderful green elixir a tablespoon at a time? I need at least two or three swallows to have any effect. And I have to keep at least four 10 oz bottles on the bar for when we get stupid and make Green Hornets! (One shot of Nyquil and one shot cheap vodka over cracked ice)

The point here is we are in America damn it! I should be able to buy the things I need in five gallon buckets or larger. I don’t care what it costs, If I need it I’ll be buying it anyway. I could use a 55 gallon drum of Pepto. At least a drum of Nyquil and for sure a 275 gallon tank of Diet Coke out back. Beer comes in kegs, Why not squirt cheese, or mustard? I would love to have a five gallon bucket of Bosco with a pump in it in the garage. Why can’t I buy a gallon size bottle of Claritin-D for my nose? That stupid little package holds what, ten tablets? And the bastards even put them in those demonic little blister packs that I can't get into anyway.

And don’t even think of getting me started on scoopable kitty litter…………..

Sunday, March 22, 2009

I’m Buying a Super Soaker……………

Yup. You heard right. I am going to buy one of those toy water pistols that holds two quarts of water. One that you can pump up to 100 psi and squirt all the way across the yard. I am going to fill it with Welch’s Grape Juice and I am going to hose down every one of those damn religious nut cases that trespasses on my property and knocks on my door.

Let me explain; Wifey and I work nights. We work in a hospital in south Florida in the height of snowbird season. We put up with the sick, the injured, and the faking lonely people all night long. We do this because we are caring human beings and the money is pretty good as well. When we finally get to go home and sleep in the morning we don’t want to be disturbed by some clean cut, bicycle riding, 1965 IBM executive look alike religious nut case. 

“Good afternoon Sir. We would like to talk to you about the Lord Jesus Christ”

“Uh, we work nights and are sleeping right now”

“When would be a good time to come back and talk to you about Jesus Christ?”

“When he walks up to my door with you in person.”

At this point I shut the door and went back to sleep.

I know for a fact it’s illegal to shoot stray raccoons with a paint ball gun.(Don’t ask me how I know this) I wonder what the Sheriff in Okeechobee county would say if I was caught hosing down one of these fools out mining souls for Jesus with a half gallon of Grape Juice? I know for a fact that Welch’s Grape Juice is a bitch to get out of a white cotton dress shirt.

I wonder if The Mormons are allowed to use Oxy-Clean………….