You knew it would only be a matter of time before I had to put fingers to keyboard about the TPP. It’s been the top story in the news lately. You can’t even pick up your phone without someone commenting on the TPP.
What’s the big deal? I have spent years thinking up the TPP. The final concept came to me just a few weeks ago when Wifey picked up her new insulin pump. The idea is simple, efficient and most importantly will not be effected by the proposed trade restrictions and tariffs with Mexico.
Confused yet? Don’t worry, all will become clear shortly. All you have to do is keep reading and keep an open mind.
The Tequila Pump Project: (TPP)
Did you think I was talking about the Trans Pacific Partnership trade agreement or something? How little you know me!
I came up with this idea years ago as a way to cut down on costly Tequila imports into the United States. Now that President Dimwit has decided to tax all Mexican imports into the country my idea makes even more sense. A safer and more economical way to infuse felony juice into the American consumer is what we have all been screaming for!
What we need to develop is an infusion pump that injects Tequila right into the brain. A small catheter could be introduced into the carotid artery. This is connected to the pump where tiny amounts of purified Tequila could be injected into the blood stream that goes directly to the brain’s incarceration center.
Why drink Tequila and have to involve all the digestive organs just to get the elixir to your body's control center? That’s old school thinking. With this system in place less that a tenth of an ounce of that Mexican pleasure juice could have the same jail inducing effects that drinking 10-15 margaritas causes. No more nausea, vomiting, and best of all, an almost un-measurable blood alcohol reading. You breath wouldn’t even smell of the stuff! “No officer, I haven’t been drinking tonight”.
The cost savings would be enormous as well. Instead of drinking ten to twelve shots to get whacked you would only use a tiny amount of the elixir of doom. A quart of Tequila could produce maybe 300 plus doses of crime inducing euphoria versus five or six jail terms if you just drank it straight from the bottle. Why attempt to raise the blood alcohol level in all eight to twelve pints of blood in the human body when you only need to target a very small area in the brain. That’s like turning on the whole sprinkler system to water just one tomato plant. Am I right here? We would even be doing the planet a favor as we would reduce the number of liquor bottles clogging up our precious landfill space.
Best of all, at a party or any social function all you would have to do is press the button on your pump and bang, instant drunkenness. Immediate disorientation with loss of memory and inhibitions when your dumb shit valve gets chemically forced wide open. There could even be a smart phone app that could be voice activated. “Siri, activate felony juice and criminal behavior mode”. Think of the fun you could have if you hacked your date’s TPP system! Talk about a "Bloomer Dropper"!
(Bloomers are panties for those of you born later than 1979)
The possibilities are as exciting as they are endless. The only questions are when we can get this implemented and how much will it cost?
And probably the most mind numbing question of all is “Why did it have to be me to think of it?”