Saturday, November 22, 2008

To Infinity and Beyond…….

The best part about the term Infinity is that it allows for everything to be possible. Sure, some things are more possible than others. I suppose they would be more probable than others. So in an infinite universe everything is possible; just highly improbable.

And for those of you who think I am just parroting Zaphod Beeblebrox, I am not. I have been developing my oddball theories of the cosmos long before I ever heard of the late great Douglas Adams.

If everything is possible then there must, by definition, be a planet in the universe made entirely of Velveeta cheese. (I can’t figure out how to make the trademark symbol on a pc. Sorry Kraft)

Of course the odds of us finding this amazing planet are extremely small. It has to exist just the same. The laws of the infinite require it. Oh sure, it may not be Velveeta. The trademark may not be used in extra galactic space, but the chemical formula would be exactly the same. And this would be a major planet, not some minor or dwarf planet as those fools at the IAU like to babble about.

It’s surface would be both smooth and creamy as any meteorites that make it to the surface would just disappear with a cool sounding  ploop. Even I cannot imagine what sort of bizarre life forms might inhabit this wonderful planet. I can see future generations of humans making interstellar voyages to this amazing planet in spaceships made of broccoli. It would probably rain picante sauce on Saturdays before football games as well. The continents might resemble deep fried tortillas or nacho chips floating over the plastic tectonic core.

I am pretty sure the inhabitants would not be a rodent based life form………

Monday, November 17, 2008

The Final Indignity……

Wifey just got back from Jacksonville where she was helping her mother through the passing of her step father. It has been a terrible week for us and I was just thinking about all the crap one has to go through when someone passes away.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot actually.

The last three funerals I have attended cost an average ten thousand dollars. ($10,000.00) It makes me sick to think that anyone would take advantage of a grieving family to make a buck. Any wonder why the guys at the funereal home smile all the time. It’s because they are getting away with grand theft and rape at the same time. Hopefully the rape statement is not factual for the family or the deceased.

When I pass, I want a simple ceremony. With a bar and a stereo playing Jimmy Buffett CDs. I want my ashes placed in two tequila bottles. We already have them both. I want half of me dumped into the Grand Canyon. The other half is more complicated.

I want my crew: Wifey, Sean and Scal-e-wag, the Old Man and the Sea, and the Galley Swab, and of course Jose from SA, to take my ashes to the Tobago Cays and scatter the rest of me there. My life insurance should more than cover my final expenses as well as the yacht rental and airfare for the group.

The Tobago Cays are the most beautiful little islands I have ever seen. They are at the bottom of the island country of St. Vincent and the Grenadines. The scene in the first Pirates of The Caribbean movie where they were stranded on the island with out any rum was filmed there. We actually visited that island. It was beyond beautiful. I tear up just thinking about it. I can't express how alive I felt there.

The last thing I would want is to be mourned over at some ultra expensive funereal home, in some ridiculously expensive casket, where they are taking advantage of my grieving Wifey and friends. Screw that. Do it cheaply and make me proud.

I know it’s a bit morbid, Just being prudent is all…………

It’s hard to be sympathetic………

It was 1983 when I went to Flint Michigan to visit one of my closest friends house. I met “Mom” and “Pops” at their modest house a few blocks from what passes as downtown for Flint.

Jim was in the navy when he and Ann got married. I met Ann at Texas Tech.  Ann was sort of the little sister of the dorm. She was a chemical engineering student down the hall from me. She was a good kid. One of those sweet but not to pretty engineering geek type girls that we all seem to know. When she introduced us to Jim, we were all thrilled. He is a hulluva great guy. They got married, had a kid and a pit-bull named Tiger Bear.

Pops was a UAW union worker at GM in Flint. He had been there for 28 years at that point. He had paid off his house and raised his kids while his wife didn’t have to work. He told me that he was making $32.00 an hour pushing his broom on the night shift at the plant. That’s thirty two dollars an hour for sweeping the floor around and under the assembly line. That’s over sixty six thousand dollars a year for pushing a broom. In 1983!

Some of the union auto workers in Michigan make between $45 and $75 dollars an hour these days. Any wonder why GM has to open factories in Mexico. Doesn’t this make it a little obvious why the foreign auto makers are kicking our asses?

And now the Detroit auto makers are looking to be bailed out because they can’t make ends meet? Are you kidding me? Those guys have been raping us for years and now we are being asked bail them out financially? 

Maybe we should let GM go bankrupt. Ford and Chrysler can go under too. Maybe the parasitic unions will die also and what re-emerges will be managed a little more intelligently.

Why would we want to that? Who am I kidding?