Friday, November 22, 2013

Your Turkey is Cooked Now….

No one ever said in the movies.

I was at Publix yesterday shopping for my Thanksgiving dinner. This year my father is coming down from North Carolina and my Mother in Law will be joining us for the feast. You know the old turkey and dressing, cranberry mush and all the other stuff that goes along with it. A far cry from the Taco Bell I used to indulge in for Thanksgiving when I was in college.

I was thinking how Thanksgiving is such an American holiday. Regardless of your beliefs on what took place that day hundreds of years ago. Be it a slaughter of Native Americans or a hearty feast with our new native friends, the tradition has somehow endured.

This year I was thinking about shaking things up a bit. I have deep fried Turkeys for the past 20 years now. A pretty neat trick for a kid who grew up in Connecticut. I have even done a Turduckin just to see what the big deal was about. Wifey bought me a small deep fat fryer for the kitchen one year for Christmas and I have fried everything you can imagine. Be it pickles, Twinkees, Oreos, Snickers bars, I have dumped their asses in boiling hot oil! Hot dogs, chicken wings, mac & cheese, you name it, I have deep fried it.

If I don't take Wifey on a cruise this year over the December holidays to escape the madness I might try something different.

I was thinking of a Goose.

People have been eating goose for a lot longer than turkeys. Sure, some Indian assholes were gnawing on turkey legs here in America for thousands of years, but since when do they count? In Europe the big deal was the Christmas Goose. Ebeneezer Scrooge didn't throw that kid in the street a shilling to go buy the biggest turkey he could find did he? Nope it was a goose he wanted, and a damn big one.

So, resolved, a goose it is.

The only problem is finding one. Try going into Publix and picking up a goose to cook. It's impossible. I have ordered 100 pound hogs from Publix before without them batting an eye. I have even bought Octopus meat for my brother's Christmas present one year there as well. But ask about a goose and they look at you like you have been eating feral cats or wanted to skin Bambi alive.

So I guess now it's going to be me, sitting in the front yard with a case of beer, a loaf of bread and a shotgun looking to bag one of those big Canadian honkers that shits all over my sidewalk. Hopefully the Jacksonville Sheriff's office won't get all bent out of shape over me and my AK-47 Shotgun with a 20 round clip in it blasting vermin out of my front yard while stewed to the gills.

After all, it's heritage not hatred.

I'll keep you posted…..

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

The Other Shoe Dropping……

Is the sound you are hearing.

As I was sitting around thinking yesterday, I came upon a startling conclusion.

I am going to try and stop thinking because it can only get me in trouble.

Now that the government has conquered the auto industry and the banking industry, What's next? The insurance companies have already lost the ability to sell you private health insurance. Your personal health insurance will now be handled by the government, why not your auto insurance?

The government has already made it mandatory for you to carry a personal healthcare policy or you will get fined on your taxes. There already are state laws and some federal laws that require you to have auto insurance policies if you own a vehicle. Why not go after that market as well? They will certainly need the cash from the auto premiums to subsidize the failing Affordable Healthcare Act. The laws are already in place, your wallet open and the cash there for the taking.

And how about your life insurance premiums? Here is a way to snatch more money from retirees and most employees in the country. Complete taxation from cradle to grave. 100% monitoring of your lifestyle and activities by the government courtesy of the chip implanted in your body when you were born at the government hospital. Just like that thing Flo want's you to hook up to your car so she can see how fast you drive so she can increase your rates down the road. I'm sorry Mr. Chuckie, you went SCUBA diving last month, we are going to have to raise your policy premiums do to your risky behavior. Don't like it? Too bad. There are 14,000 (fourteen thousand) new IRS agents out there to make sure you comply.

This isn't a "Brave New World", This is the old Orwellian Nightmare coming to fruition right before our eyes.

At least if the auto insurance industry is controlled by the government they will be immune from lawsuits by pettifogging (look it up) attorneys. And then we won't have to look at those goddamn commercials from 1-800-Ask-Gary any more.

Sure that's a really small victory. It's kind of like remarking how nice the guy in the coffin looks at an open casket funeral.

Nice complexion but he's dead…..

Monday, November 18, 2013

A Stomach Ache with the Beatles…..

Yesterday, Oh my dinner seemed so far away
now I fear it has come back to play
Oh what did I eat back yesterday?

Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be
The belly pain it has come over me
Oh Taco Bell what have you done to me?

But now I have to go
I dunno fourth time today.
I fear something's wrong as I run before I spray yea yea yea.

Yesterday, before I seemed to be A-OK
That's before I flushed my life away
at least I'll lose some weight this way
I hope this stops by my birthday.
The month of March is so far away……

Oh Yeah I, have got something
I don't think you understand
When I, use the bathroom
It smells like Pakistan!
Please don't touch my ha ha hand
Please don't touch my hand

Oh please come to see that it's for your own good
as we quarantine the whole neighborhood
Don't wanna touch my ha ha hand
Please don't touch my hand

My tummy rumbles, I go running inside
the feelings not unlike a massive landslide

I hope you, won't catch this something
from this sick, sick man
and don't eat  Burrito Grandes
or visit Pakistan.
I gotta wash my ha ha hands
Please always wash your hands
Pleas always wash you Hands hands hands hands