Friday, June 10, 2016

My Next Brilliant Idea...

I have been racking my poor little brain trying to come up with inventions that will benefit mankind after I am gone. Let’s face it folks, life is a zero sum game. We all are going to drift off eventually to Flying Spaghetti Monster Heaven one day so we might as well make every day count and do whatever we can to bolster our individual legacies.

I know I am a cynical and sarcastic bastard. This BLOG obviously belabors that point. I have tried to uplift mankind with a few positive suggestions in my tenure on this planet. The Raisin Powered Nuclear Reactor is just one of many ideas I have come up with to make life more fulfilling for my fellow human beings. The five gallon bucket of Pepto-Bismol is another example I can think of off the top of my head along with the EPC (Electric Powered Canoe). All are chronicled somewhere in this collection of crazy thoughts I have posted.

It’s time for another earth shattering idea.

I think we should have “Spray on Toast” Yes, you heard me right. A chemical that comes in a pump spray bottle that will toast bread. The more you pump the darker the toast will be. No more standing around the kitchen waiting for your old crumb filled electric antique to finish heating your bread. Just a couple pumps and you have instant breakfast. We could even offer butter flavored SOT (Spray on Toast) as well as different preserve flavorings to add variety to your breakfast routine.

This could be a simple form of flavored acid or base that would react with the bread to brown it. Once the reaction is finished the chemical would be completely spent and inert leaving no after taste or residue. Think of all the time we would save every morning if we could just spray our bread on the way to work or school. We would make sure it was water repellant as well so our hamburger buns don’t get soggy from that delicious meat juice.


We have robotic vacuum cleaners running around our houses sucking up stray crumbs and cat hair, there are people who spend thousands of dollars on bottles of water when the entire planet is covered in free water (doesn't it also free fall from the sky?) We even have spray on tanning spooge meant to make it seem as if we have time to go to the beach, and my personal all time favorite, Squirt Cheese.

Hell, people are buying electric cars that poison the environment far more than petroleum fueled vehicles trying to impress their friends with how “Green” they are. Just think of all the energy we would save not running our toasters every morning. A thousand watt toaster running for 5 minutes a day (four slices) in one hundred million (100,000,000) households? You get the picture.

Maybe we could get that thief Elon Musk to slap the Tesla name on it and sell a couple million of them for five hundred bucks, half in advance pre-production of course, before he comes out with a cheaper model after he has cornholed you the first time.

We could call it the Tesla Toaster S2.

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