Monday, November 17, 2008

The Final Indignity……

Wifey just got back from Jacksonville where she was helping her mother through the passing of her step father. It has been a terrible week for us and I was just thinking about all the crap one has to go through when someone passes away.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot actually.

The last three funerals I have attended cost an average ten thousand dollars. ($10,000.00) It makes me sick to think that anyone would take advantage of a grieving family to make a buck. Any wonder why the guys at the funereal home smile all the time. It’s because they are getting away with grand theft and rape at the same time. Hopefully the rape statement is not factual for the family or the deceased.

When I pass, I want a simple ceremony. With a bar and a stereo playing Jimmy Buffett CDs. I want my ashes placed in two tequila bottles. We already have them both. I want half of me dumped into the Grand Canyon. The other half is more complicated.

I want my crew: Wifey, Sean and Scal-e-wag, the Old Man and the Sea, and the Galley Swab, and of course Jose from SA, to take my ashes to the Tobago Cays and scatter the rest of me there. My life insurance should more than cover my final expenses as well as the yacht rental and airfare for the group.

The Tobago Cays are the most beautiful little islands I have ever seen. They are at the bottom of the island country of St. Vincent and the Grenadines. The scene in the first Pirates of The Caribbean movie where they were stranded on the island with out any rum was filmed there. We actually visited that island. It was beyond beautiful. I tear up just thinking about it. I can't express how alive I felt there.

The last thing I would want is to be mourned over at some ultra expensive funereal home, in some ridiculously expensive casket, where they are taking advantage of my grieving Wifey and friends. Screw that. Do it cheaply and make me proud.

I know it’s a bit morbid, Just being prudent is all…………


Scal E. Wag said...

I think it is perfect, and I would be honored. Though I see you forgot to mention the topless waitress serving us drinks. :o)

Billyum said...

I seem to recall you once telling me your intention to be stripped naked and sealed fresh for eternity in a huge block of that clear lexan stuff they make paper weights out of... something about dropping you to the bottom of the ocean so you can be found by aliens thousands of years from now as a preserved example of our cvilization and culture...

... i should prolly call G.E. now and have them stand down.

Jose in SA said...

Shit. Plan your death, Chuckie. It'll take months to get you there in a jar:

What documents do I need when returning remains to Trinidad and Tobago?
Copy of the passport of the deceased.
Copy of identification of next of kin (National ID card or passport).
Letter from the Trinidad and Tobago consulate or mission stating the authenticity of the documents produced for the transportation of the human remains.
Embalming certificate from the funeral home.
Permit to transport human remains available from the Controller of Customs.
The official certificate of death issued by the local register of deaths or similar authority.
Exemplification of death record (issued by the department of health abroad).