Friday, April 2, 2010

The Great Escape…

We are out of Okeechobee.

A week and a half ago we found out that Wifey’s mom wasn’t doing so hot. She has some pretty serious medical problems that required us to move back to Jacksonville pronto.

We did it in less than seven days.

We are now living in a cool apartment off of Southside Blvd. in Jacksonville Fl. I was going to post the Lat and Lon but I was afraid all of my fanatical fans would hunt me down, steal my underwear and try to sell it on eBay.

Okeechobee was an enigma for us. A sort of tequila induced nightmare that we could not wake up from. We met some of the nicest and best friends we have ever had. We also met the very worst the human species has to offer. I’m not talking about the genetically and evolutionarily challenged people there. Those whom I refer to are the completely ignorant and socially unacceptable human beings who slip through the cracks of decent society and end up in the sludgy coated, nasty oil pan of life. You know the type. Single, drunk and pregnant with their second child at 16 years old, or infected with some sort of flesh eating bacteria acquired while collecting dead road kill armadillos from the highways at night to sell to local boot makers for their tough leathery hides. And don’t get me started about the serious injuries that show up at the emergency room from intoxicated rednecks out hunting wild boars for fun.

That is Okeechobee in a nutshell.

When the fossils finally leave Okeechobee for the summer the Love Bugs move in. Some refer to them as “Black Snow” They are so thick that when you drive down the highway you cannot even read the street signs at times. On the worst days they partially block out the sun.

They stick to your car and their blood is caustic. If you don’t wash the little victims off your hood and grill their evil and foul smelling entrails’ goo will eat through and pit the paint job on your car. Don’t even think of parking your car in the garage until you have deglazed it from the love bug cadavers or you will instantly vomit from the new Okeechobee odor your garage has now taken on. You would think that the birds down in that satanic hellhole of a town would be the size of DC-10s with all the bugs to eat. Wrong. They must taste as bad as they smell. Even the birds are grounded during Love Bug season

For those of you in Okeechobee that we became friends with, we love you and miss you terribly. The rest of you, go pound fire ant-infested sand up your ass with a wooden spoon.

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