Friday, June 28, 2013


Yessir, I am plumb shot through with holes.

This one here on me right arm just above me elbow is from multiple blood draws those buzzards at the lab needed for the last couple times I was in the hospital. Seems I has only got one place that they can stick me and get good clean blood from.

That one in me left arm, this sida me elbow,  is from where they stuck that darned IV thingy into my vein. A "Port" they calls it. Never did give me a lot of juice through it, but they was a plenty busy squirting stuff into it when I was in that there fancy X-Ray machine while they was a poking around inside my ticker.

This here hole in me neck, now that was a strange deal there let me tell you. They took me to that there Mayo Clinic place and strapped me down and shoved a tube into my neck vein. Then they hooked me up to some kind of machine that goes "Whir….Buzz…Clank", and then stops for a few seconds and then starts a going over again. It did that for pert near 4 hours on Tuesday. "Whir….Buzz…Clank"  I betcha I remember that noise forever. They took that pipe out and sent me home to relax.

Relax them fellers said:  like I was a gonna relax with what they had planned for me a day later.

What I have neglected to tell you is that they wanted me to relax knowing I was a goin to get this big ass tube shoved into a vein right next to me mr. happy on that next Thursday. They strapped me in and squirted some sort of tequila like stuff in the tube in me left arm that made me all silly and shit, Next they stuck that tube right in me crotch just about an inch from me meat and potatoes. Then they snaked some sorta wire up that there tube into my ticker and started doing all sorts of un mentionable things to me. Ever time I tried to get up they just squirted more of that shit into that tube and I went back to happyland for a tad bit longer.

Next thing I knows I was being wheeled to a fancy room where some good looking nurse type women were getting me dressed for bed. Now this was more like it!  (cept I still had that durned tube in me down by me mr. happy and the little woman was there as well) They hooked more wires and stuff to me and I don't know what all and gave me another tequila shot in my arm tube and I went to sleep. Somewhere in the night they gave me a pain pill of some kind. It was powerful effective at making me heave out all that nice mess of a hospital dinner I choked down at some point earlier. The next  nurse gal came in and squirted some more stuff in that handy little tube to make me stop barfing and some stuff to make me stop hurting. That worked like a charm and I was back snoring in no time.

The next mooring, and I mean about an hour later, another pretty nurse lady came in and took all sorts of blood and did electric tracings of my "Heart Rhythms" (whatever the hell that means) That nurse gal yanked out all the tubes, put bandaids all over them holes they had a made. She had me sign some papers and then they plum run me off.

Sorry for all  them technical terms I had to use there. They tells me this might make it so I don't kick the bucket quite so soon. I hope they are right.

My bucket has been kicked enough for a while Thank you.

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