You Want WHAT?

The whole purpose of giving someone a gift is to show them you were thinking of them and wanted to do something nice for them. Unless of course it's your neighbors who allow their dogs to leave their deposits in your yard. Then the gift is to put on gloves and smear the offending matter all over their windshields and front door.

Wifey has learned to never ask me for something at Christmas as she knows that the item will go on my do not consider list. I want her to know I put a lot of thought and care into the present that I give her. She will tell you she has never been disappointed. I bought my brother a can of octopus meat one year for Christmas along with some other cool stuff like a vertical chicken roaster and a pickle picker for getting gherkins out of a jar.

See what I mean? I am Mr. Thoughtful when it comes to buying people gifts. Who else would go to a multi thousand dollar wedding where the gift table was covered with many many thousands of dollars of crystal and silver..........and give the bride and groom as case of motor oil. Synthetic no less. I'm not a cheap skate.

If you are having a baby shower for a baby boy, expect something like a chain saw. If it's a girl, expect a pink chainsaw.

So imagine my horror when my closest friend sent me a wedding invitation and included was a pretty little insert informing us that they were participating in a very nice store's "Bridal Registry".

I'm not stupid, I get it. You register so that everyone knows what you need when you start out your new lives together. You also register so you make sure you don't get thirty seven "George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Machine" burger cookers on your special day.

There are a few problems with this program. The first is that all the spontaneity and loving thoughtfulness is stripped away from the giving process. The second is that the list is always made out by the bride to be and is ALWAYS, repeat for effect, ALWAYS stuff the groom could care less about. Towels, bed linens, cooking weapons and other emasculating gifts are all "Chick Stuff." The third issue is, and this one really bothers me, is that the happy couple can log onto the website and see what has been fulfilled on their wish list. "Look honey we are getting an electric juice extractor from someone who really loves us."

I promise you this much. They will never see my gift coming. No I'm not going to bring them a herd of goats or an automatic weapon of some kind. I would never do anything to embarrass them in public. If it was him alone, I would without hesitation. Multiple times, and I would get it on tape! But I wouldn't do that to the lovely lady that has decided to pledge her life and love to him in front of God in a four hundred year old Catholic mission.

The fact that I know his parents and I am afraid they would kill me has nothing to do with it!

Well.......Maybe a little.............