Thursday, July 14, 2016

Her Name is Rio and She Dances on the Sand

I just have to go to Brazil.

Not for any silly soccer matches. I had enough of those obnoxious plastic horns when they played the last World Cup in South Africa. No, I’m not going for the Olympics. I have no desire to watch pre-pubescent 12 year old girls bend themselves around the parallel bars to impress some communist gymnastic judges. If I want to see women bending around a pole I will go to Las Vegas or Whackos.

I really would like to see the harbor at Rio de Janeiro as it is one of the 7 natural wonders of the world. I have seen the Grand Canyon, I will be seeing the Northern Lights in September. That would leave only four more. But I would have to go to Asia, Mexico, Australia and Africa.

“But Chuckie, Isn’t that going to cost a lot of money.” I hear you cry.

Yup. That’s why I want to go to Brazil.

You see, The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) in Atlanta is looking for male volunteers with the Zika virus to donate semen for medical research. So far they have 40 volunteers. They want 210 more.

These guys get to donate twelve semen samples every two weeks for our government to study how the disease is transmitted sexually. The volunteers would be needed for six month periods.

But wait. I haven’t gotten to the best part yet!

Your government is PAYING these volunteers for their semen! That’s right, you heard me correctly! The United States government is paying fifty ($50.00) dollars per semen donation! That is twelve hundred dollars ($1,200.00) a month to sit around and jerk off into a vial that is picked up daily by a currier and whisked off to a lab somewhere.

Seventy two hundred dollars ($7,200.00) for six months of looking at porn and jerkin your gherkin! And I’ll bet it’s even tax free!

"But Chuckie, you would have to get the Zika virus wouldn’t you?"

Sure I would, but I don’t care. I am obviously not going to have a baby anytime soon. I am monogamous and Wifey isn’t going to have a child either. The worst that would happen is I have to choke the chicken with a fever or flu symptoms for a few weeks. For seven grand I imagine I could handle that. (Please forgive the pun)

So if you telephone me and the call goes immediately to voice mail you can assume that I am either out of the country or taking care of business.

Taking care of business every day
Taking care of business every way
Taking care of business It’s all mine
Taking care of business and working overtime

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