The Nauru Threat.

The what? What the hell are you ranting about now Chuckie?

I’ll tell you.

No this isn’t another tropical election year flu that threatens to destroy the human race for the sake of votes. You know the kind I am talking about. This isn’t some self absorbed dictator of a third world country who pissed in our corn flakes. This is a real live country I’m talking about.

Never heard of Nauru? I’m not surprised.

Nauru is a microscopic country in the South Pacific Ocean just north of Australia. It is the third smallest country in the world. Only the Vatican and Monaco are smaller. Since it’s an election year they need to be attacked and invaded. We obviously can’t attack the pope and his cronies. The casinos and Grand Prix in Monaco are world famous so they get a pass. Besides, Grace Kelly liked Monaco enough to marry their leader and that’s good enough for me.

You heard me correctly. Nauru. They are a threat to the people of the world and we should expend billions of dollars and at least 5 or 6 lives to "ate" them. I mean of course, decimate, obliterate, incinerate, conquerate their land and then  re-educate and re-locate their population. There are hundreds of people incarcerated on Nauru from the Australian penal system. I am sure some of them were falsely imprisoned somehow. One unjustly drunken condemned Aussie is reason enough to attackerate them and confiscate their wealth and violate their three (3) attractive women. I seriously doubt they have transgender friendly bathrooms either. We must do something about this terrible human rights violation.

It pains me to tears even thinking about these inhumane living conditions. I have feelings after all.

At a little over 8 square miles and around ten thousand (10,000) people we could be done by lunchtime. Of course, due to it’s distance from the US mainland and the proximity of the next election we would have a perfect excuse for drawing out the conflict for at least 4 years, or another presidential term. I am sure there are a couple of tents and a few pick-up trucks we could send half a dozen two billion dollar stealth bombers to drop thousands of fifty thousand dollar bombs on.

Nauru doesn't have an air force, Nauru doesn't have an army or navy. The Girl Scouts could infiltrate, invaderate and captureate them.

They even drive on the opposite side of the road than we do. That in itself should be reason enough to fully commit our armed forces and bankrupt our economy prior to an election. Just think about what would happen if all their people illegally snuck into the United States and started driving on the wrong side of the road, during rush hour no less. Wikipedia claims that the native Nauruans are the most overweight people in the world. Over 40% of the population is afflicted with type II Diabetes. So not only could we introduce them to more healthy mastication, we could also make a fortune selling them over priced Diabetes medication and supplies.

Erecting a wall along the entire west coast of the United States would cost far to much in treasure and human lives especially if we couldn’t use illegal Mexican immigrants as cheap labor. No sir. Full scale, unrestricted all out warfare is the only answer.

But once again, as always, no one will heed my warnings about this, or any, horrific threat to our way of life. The Chinese and Russians have already pumped millions of dollars of foreign aid into Nauru. Nauru even has their own airplane now. Not some little Cessna or Piper Cub. No Sir. They have one (1) brand new 737 and a runway to operate it from.

After all, didn't President Clinton fire cruise missiles at Albania back in 1999. Forgot about that already? That is why I am here to remind you. Always remember: History repeats itself. Especially stupid history.

Just watch the news in the next few months before the election. You will see that once again I am correct.

As always......

Zika Virus My Ass.....

Here we go again. It’s election time in the United States. How can you tell? Pretty easy actually. Another potentially earth shattering, world ending virus has popped up that we need to spend billions on to distract voters from the political circus we are all forced to endure.

Think about it for a minute. Swine Flu, Avian (bird) Flu, SARS, Mad Cow Disease, Ebola and now the Zika Virus. I can’t wait for them to declare an outbreak of Okeechobee Possum Flu. I wonder how much that will cost us?

Me cynical? You bet your sweet ass I am. How many Americans died from Ebola in the last major world outbreak? Maybe a handful? One or two in the US came down with it and the rest were aid workers who voluntarily went into the infected region to combat the disease. So basically the panic and insanity that issued was a complete waste of time. Funny how these terrible diseases don’t really gain a foothold where modern medicine and high quality medical care is available.

Look at Bird Flu. Millions of chickens have died. If it crosses over to humans it could be a disaster. Mad Cow Disease is the same story.  If humans contract it we are all goners. Or so the government and the press would have you believe. Somehow we are all still alive. Must be because our politicians are on guard defending us and spending more and more of our tax dollars.

Zika Virus is the exact same story. People in under developed countries have come down with a disease that could cause microcephaly (decreased head and brain size) in some children born from mothers who contracted the virus. What a horrible tragedy. Anytime a baby is sick it sort of grabs us and twists our insides into knots. The media and government are aware of this human trait and exploit the shit out of it.

Am I a sick bastard for pointing this out? Well, Maybe. But considering how many infants die in under developed countries with inadequate medical care and facilities in equatorial regions anyway may shed some light on how trivial this “epidemic” really is at this point in time.

And now the government of the United States of America has it’s knickers in a twist over this supposed potential pandemic threat. So far, as of 23 May 2016, not one case in the US has been confirmed that was transferred via mosquito. Every case to date here is travel related. A few cases have been confirmed via sexual contact with infected people who traveled to the outbreak’s region. but no one so far in the US has acquired Zika Virus from a local insect bite. It's not even known yet if mosquitos native to the United States can even spread the virus.

More people will die of Leprosy world wide this year than Zika Virus. More people will die of Scurvy this year than Zika Virus. Far more children will die this year from furniture falling on them than people who will die from the Zika Virus. Can you even imagine how many people die from drowning every year? 

If we were serious about combating this mortal threat to humanity we would bring back the widespread use of the insecticide Dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane. More commonly known as DDT. DDT works quite well at eradicating mosquito populations. It is estimated that DDT could save almost a million human lives a year if it wasn’t banned back in the early seventies and eighties. Sure a few Bald Eagles and other predatory bird species were shown to have elevated levels of the chemical in their systems and some thinning of their subsequent egg shells, but is that really a concern when we are facing the potential extinction of the human race? (A little over dramatic on purpose to make the point).

Once again we are being intentionally distracted by a seemingly minor epidemic during an election season where far more important issues and concerns beg our attention.

A shame we can’t spray for politicians. They are far more destructive and annoying than any insect that I know of…..

Feel the Bern?

Well now this is gonna be interesting.

In Puerto Rico senator Bernie Sanders is trying to drum up support to win the 40 delegates the island’s democrat party will be sending to their national nominating convention.

In typical say anything to get the idiots to vote for me fashion, he promised the same old thing he’s been spewing to the uneducated American public his whole campaign, He promises lower taxes, higher minimum wages, free college, free health care and free everything else you can imagine, our favorite socialist is also saying we should make Puerto Rico the 51st state!

So lets see here, Bernie is spending campaign dollars to waste time in Puerto Rico hunting delegates? Does anyone really believe he will ever go back there? Puerto Rico residents can’t even vote in the US presidential election! He will say ANYTHING to win the primary delegates and then he will vanish like Casper the Friendly Ghost! Does he think kissing the Puerto Rican's asses will give him a chance to win New York state in the general election? Even though there are more PuertoRicans in New York than Puerto Rico it still won't be enough to matter.

The new and interesting twist is that Bernie thinks we should take on Puerto Rico as our newest state. Is this just a desperate delegate hunting promise or does this fool really want to assume and/or forgive Puerto Rico’s massive debt that they have just defaulted on? How do we accomplish that? Our whole country is over nineteen trillion dollars ($19,000,000,000,000.00) in debt already. That number takes up more space numerically than alphabetically! Does this guy really think we/they are going to fall for this?

I guess you can promise a fool anything and he will believe it these days. The democrats have been making insane promises to the poor forever and the poor never get anywhere. THEY ARE STILL POOR!  They are no better off than they were before, but every election cycle it’s always the same promises to the same people with the same outcomes.

The last time I felt the “Burn” was when Carl and I dated the same girl from Alaska who was staying in our coed dorm one summer in college. I went out with her Friday night, Carl took her out Saturday night. She flew home after the Volleyball camp on Sunday morning and on the following Friday Carl and I both got huge penicillin shots in the ass to show for it! Luckily, it was only non-specific urethritis (NSU) and not the more serious gonorrhea. It took almost a week for us both to “Feel the Burn” but the lesson was clear.

We were infatuated by what looked good on the outside, something that looked and felt good at first and we were both screwed quite well. The burning pain came afterwards when we realized what we had gotten into.

I really hope the American public doesn’t get to “Feel the Bern” the way Carl and I did.

That wasn’t any fun at all and I can’t imagine feeling it for a full four year presidential term…..

Pecker Checker Czar....

***** Caution: Adult Themes and Language*****

Oh yeah, You read that right.

It looks like President Dumb-Shit will soon be making another executive appointment. This time this constitution violating appointment will be for the new head of the federal Pecker Checker Office. 

The head of the new PCO will be in charge of making sure every public school in America complies with the new transgender decree the Obama administration has dreamt up. Every public school in this once great and proud country of ours will now be required to let students use which ever bathroom or locker room they wish depending on the gender they feel like belonging to.

Yup, you read it correctly. If you are a “person” of high school age who happens to have a penis attached to your area where genitals hang out (cute huh!) you will now be allowed to use which ever restroom or locker room you choose. We have to protect your rights as an individual and make sure we don’t offend you after all. We want you to know that we care about what you think.

I thought TransGendered meant you had a sex change operation and physically became a member of the opposite sex, not just a crossdresser who likes to wear the other genders clothing. I couldn't wear sexy women's underwear any way as I would be arrested for walking around sporting a tent from all that sexy satin and silk constantly rubbing on Mr. Happy.

So this means that after a spirited practice on the football field where the young people with male appendages are all worked up into a testosterone induced frenzy, will get to peel off their jock straps and head off into the persons with vaginas locker room and take their showers if they want to.

Sound like a good idea to you? Innocent enough?  I don’t think so.

Now I don’t care what people have under or in their pants, skirts, kilts, kimonos or what ever the hell they cover their middle sections with. I really don’t. And if a hot looking person with a vagina wants to enter the restroom I am currently using and do his/her business it’s no skin off of my nose (yuck!)

I just am not sure how intelligent it is to allow or encourage young people, or anyone for that matter, to invade the realm of those sporting different reproductive equipment for the purpose of eliminating their bodily waste fluids or materials.

Damn! It’s exhausting trying to think up ways to say this without using offensive terms like male, female, dick or twat and I’m not going to do it anymore.

Everyone has heard of cases where children have been lured into public restrooms and abducted or molested. High school girls and cheerleaders are sexually assaulted far more often than you might think or is reported. What kind of stupid fucked up thinking would in anyways condone or legally try and protect such a stupid policy? Is coming up with such an asinine and potentially disastrous policy really make sense in order to win over the pervert vote in November? Is this really going to become a campaign issue? Are there really that many perverts registered to vote out there?

Hope and change was a very catchy slogan. Lots of people fell for it. Just ask Bruce Jenner, or whatever the fuck it’s name is now, how it feels about it. Do you really want that walking up to a urinal at a restroom in a football stadium and pulling out it’s prick to take a leak next to your ten year old son? Hell, does it even have a prick now? That’s a pretty disgusting and expensive surgical procedure. I guess we will find out when it poses nude in Sports Illustrated later this year. (Double Yuck)

To be honest, I really don’t give a shit where anyone pees. But I don’t have pretty young daughters to worry about either. My wife is a nurse and we have two machetes. Enough said there.

Regardless of what your birth certificate says or how you feel, If you are sporting a penis, no matter how big or small, use the men’s (penis equipped) room. If you have a vagina, you use the room designated for those with that form of plumbing more commonly referred to as the ladies room. Wanna pee with the ladies? Go spend the cash and get yourself a custom made vagina.

Shit, I’ll bet Obamacare would pay for it. Hell, our backwards thinking asshole government may even spend our taxpayer dollars to subsidize it for you.....

Dropping the "F" Bomb....

Hello again everybody!

So let’s see what is going on since the last time I sat down and blogged to my loyal audience of no one.

Ahhhhh here we go, President Dumb-Shit is going to drop by Hiroshima during his upcoming trip to Japan and apologize for America dropping the atomic bomb on their insane relatives 60 plus years ago. Apparently some of our highly educated political youngsters are of the belief that we Americans were mean and barbaric because we cooked our enemy’s ass to bring about an end to World War II.

I consider my self pretty intelligent and halfway educated. I was taught that the United States dropped the atomic weapons on Japan to expedite the end of the war. Hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of American AND Japanese would have died if we had to invade the Japanese mainland. The Japanese soldiers were insanely dedicated to their emperor and the ideal of an invincible Japan. They even had some of their best pilots brainwashed into flying suicide one way missions, with their planes filled with high explosives of course, into our warships. Human cruise missiles on a one way trip to death and pseudo glory. They left us no choice, we had to drop the bomb.

But now this current generation of over educated smarty pants assholes, who have never faced the horrors of a world war, have decided that it was immoral and evil to have obliterated two of the enemy’s industrial cities.

How dare they spout that ignorant shit! Would it have been better to lose a million plus lives trying to capture the Japanese mainland with a ground assault? They fought like honey badgers. They would have never given up.

“You don’t know that is what would have happened” is the current answer these amazing products of higher liberal education like to say as a response to the previous generations logic.

Yes I do. And I can prove it.

You honestly think the Japanese would have surrendered if we didn’t drop Fat Man and Little Boy on them? Well think about this, stupid,

Why didn’t they surrender after we dropped the first one on them? We hit them with the most powerful weapon the world has ever seen and they didn’t give up right then? We had to clobber them again a couple days later before they decided to throw in the towel. Only the threat of continued atomic attack forced them in to surrendering.

Using the atomic bomb on the Japanese mainland saved probably at least a million lives if not more. They sure as hell would have used it on us first if they had the ability to do so.

But I guess the liberal, tenured professors in our warped higher education system do not recognize this simple logic. College students today are only taught about the evil and vile United States of America and that every problem in the world is our fault. You name it, from Global Warming (now called Climate Change) to the rapid rise of Radical Islam, we are to blame somehow.

Our president is a graduate of Harvard. It used to be that a degree from Harvard commanded a certain level of respect and admiration. Parents wanted their children to grow up and go to Harvard. Not me, If I had children I would rather they be welders or plumbers than get within ten miles of Harvard. 

I started this post thinking about the “F” bomb tie in. I was going to try and be cute and politically correct by referring to it as the Fool Bomb. As in the Fool who is going to go apologize for it….But I know you wouldn’t buy it. To well you know me.  Nope I’ll say it, Our president is going to go and make a fucking fool out of himself in Japan and shame everyone who believes in and loves America. As if that is anything new.

Wouldn’t Thurston Howell III (another Harvard man) be proud……

My Foreign Policy Solutions.

Since everyone is only capable of saying “Anyone can point out the problems. What are your solutions Chuckie?” I thought I would tell you some of my brilliant ideas for fixing the messes we are in now.

I’ll start with Foreign Affairs first.

Run from the Border.

The first thing we do is stop all foreign aid to Latin America for a year or two. We take all that money and build our wall and hire a shitload more Border Patrol agents. Once we have the wall secured, we inform our neighbors to the south that we will turn the faucet of money back on once they get serious about helping us stop the illegal drug trafficking into the United States. The money we send them only goes to the corrupt politicians in power down there anyway. Hit em where it hurts and maybe things will change.

North Korea, Lil Kim and Syria?

Simple. We have a couple missile tests of our own. Fire an ICBM from say Montana towards North Korea. Have the ten MIRV warheads be unarmed and bracket the country. Maybe the thought of 10 hydrogen bombs raining down on his cities and countryside might dissuade that dummy from rattling his saber. We also place Patriot Missile batteries in Japan and South Korea. A few on warships patrolling the off the coast of North Korea could shoot down any missiles tests they decide to have in the future.

We could do the same thing to Syria. Land a few empty missile warheads in a few ISIS controlled areas and let’s see what happens. If they don’t get the message replace them with enhanced radiation warheads and kill everything alive there. Even bacteria. Then we march in and clean the place out, loot all the resources and let them rebuild their region themselves. It worked on the Indians. Why not there?

Russia and the Ukraine Crisis?

Simple. We build my Trans Poland Pipeline I previously outlined in another BLOG post. We then place missiles and troops in Ukraine and Poland to defend our Nato Allies. We get increased American shipping, We SELL our excess natural gas overseas thereby creating thousands of jobs, Secure Eastern Europe and everyone is happy, except Russia. Fuck them.

The Cuba issue?

Fuck them as well. We stop all this nonsense about opening up trade with Cuba. We BLOCKADE their ass until the Castros are gone and they have free and democratic elections. We will not support them or help them in ANY way as long as those human rights abusing animals are in power. No cruises, golf courses or tourist money gets in at all. I would even make it a no fly zone so other countries couldn’t get in there to help those low life dictators as well. Once those murdering assholes are out of power we can deal with them as civilized human beings.

International Gateways?

I would make it so that there would be only a few ports of entry into the United States. Say London, Paris, and maybe one in Germany. Only a couple in Africa as well. If you want to fly into the US you have to go through these specific airports to do so. We build secure processing facilities there and make it so we can control who actually comes here. We could check backgrounds, medical status, and potential terrorist activity. Imagine how safe and secure we could have been when SARS or the Ebola virus was floating around. Same thing with South America and the Caribbean. Shut off a few key entry points and your house is secure. I lock my doors at night. The country should do the same thing.

The Canada Problem.

What? There is a Canada problem? You bet your sweet ass there is. We start taxing the shit out of Canadian tourists coming to America. If they don’t speak English we double the fees.  All of the RVs that swarm across the border in the fall to escape the Great White North are a huge missed opportunity for us to make some quick cash. Where else are they going to go? It’s not like they have any other easily reachable borders to cross. We could make a lot of money off of the amazing Canadian Medical System that sucks so badly all of their citizens come to the US for health care. We place a special Canadian/foreign medical surcharge on all procedures performed on non US citizens. That will teach them to go south of the border like our drunk, horny soldiers and schoolboys do with Mexico! Let all this money fund the Great Wall of Canada! After it’s constructed we then dump that revenue into our social security system. Let Canada pay for our retired citizens!

As you can see, I have single handedly solved all of our State Department’s major issues before lunch. The ironic part is I didn’t even have to set up a private Email server to do it! Yes, I am that good.

I should be the new voice of World Control.

2016 Presidential Erection. Part II….

Well let’s see now, since I penned part one of this saga Marco Rubio has dropped out of the race leaving three contenders for the Republican nomination. I suppose I will start with John Kasich.

Mr. Kasich is the Governor of Ohio. The reason you have never heard of him is that no one knows who he is. Pretty obvious to me! And yes you read that right. A Republican Gov. in a union infested, liberal cesspool state like Ohio. To me that disqualifies him right off the bat. To “Get Along” in a state full of overpaid crooked union vipers must prove that you have a ton of dirt and unholy shit buried in your past somewhere. I have watched the debates and if I hear him pontificate about how he was there when the budget was balanced one more time I will scream. As of today, Kasich has 143 delegates committed to him for the first vote during the convention. He needs 1,237. He cannot get enough delegates to win the nomination! He is staying in the race hoping that Trump doesn’t reach the magic number and he will be crowned the nominee by a more rational thinking set of delegates. His nomination would assure Hillary Clinton wins the general election. But that doesn’t seem to matter to him. This is an ego issue for Johnny. Someone must have kicked sand in his face at the beach when he was younger.

Ted Cruz, a U.S. senator from Texas, has 423 delegates pledged to vote for him so far. Unlike Kasich, he can mathematically win the nomination if he sweeps all the remaining primaries. He seems to be a two faced, politically motivated fence straddler who’s opinion can be bought or traded away with the changing wind or opening of a wallet. His obstructionist views and opinions have made it so his own party can’t stand him. Only a couple of his fellow Republican senate colleagues have endorsed him. It is also fairly clear that he has been the king of dirty tricks during the election. On numerous occasions his staff has sent out tweets and emails saying that his opponents were conceding the primary elections and dropping out of the race. To the millions of idiots who live and breathe by what comes across their stupid smart phones, this appears to be gospel. Sure all is fair in love and war, but do you really want someone who stoops so low to get elected to be in charge of the country for the next 4 years? All this while purporting to be the moral and religious conservative that America needs to get us back on the right track. This guy is just another sleazy television preacher with bad hair and funny clothes begging for your money while making ridiculous promises to the dimwitted masses.

And since we are on the subject of assholes, We now are left with Donald Trump. Trump has 678 delegates to the convention. His shallow and sweet smelling message of “We will make America great again” sounds cool to the average voter who doesn’t know any better. This guy is a huckster plain and simple. He bitches about illegal immigrants stealing American jobs but has used them in the past to build his business empire. He has run four companies into the ground, then declaring bankruptcy for them thereby letting thousands of workers lose their jobs. He then says “I just used the existing laws to my advantage”. The problem is, you can’t do that with the American government. His attacks and ugly statements towards women and minorities will insure the Democrats elect Hillary Clinton as our next Felon in Chief. Trump is self funding his campaign. He says he could raise millions to finance his run. Bullshit. The big Republican donors have and will run from him like the plague. HIs campaign relies on free publicity. How does he manage that? Pretty simple really, He acts the fool. If the village idiot takes his pants off downtown during rush hour it will make the news the first couple of times he does it. Same with saying something controversial and foolish in public. That gets old after a while. Start a riot or encourage violence during a political rally and you are guaranteed top billing during the next news cycle. What's next at his rallys when the violence gets old? Live sex shows? Human sacrifices?

With pissing off and offending all of the female electorate, slandering all of the Hispanic and minority voters, and alienating the Republican mainstream, there is not a chance in hell of Trump defeating the Democrat nominee and becoming president.

The only prayer the Republicans have of winning in 2016 is for the FBI to quit dragging it’s feet and indite and prosecute Hillary Clinton for her crimes against the country. Remember General Petreus? He let his hot biographer girlfriend look at a few notebooks full of his personal memoirs and he was prosecuted and court-martialed. Hillary’s offenses were thousands of times more serious and nothing is being done. If elected, she may become the first president in history to have to pardon herself.

The bottom line here is that we are screwed no matter who gets elected and it’s our own damn fault. 

We have let this happen to ourselves.

The 2016 Presidential Erection….

After playing nice for the last few blog posts trying to hoodwink my new curling friends into thinking I am a nice and normal guy, it’s time to get back to my cynical and analytical roots that have made my blog the International phenomenon it once was.

I am thinking about doing my 2016 election analysis in a couple of parts. Basically like a Batman serial but more exciting.

I think I will start with the Democrat party first, but where to begin? It’s sort of like being at camp when you dropped your fathers expensive flashlight down the hole in the outhouse. You can see it shining down there, but do you go in and get it? Do you hold your breath and crawl down there or do you try and fish it out? And the ultimate question is, “Will it be worth it if and when you do recover it”?

The Democrats are as screwed this year as the Republicans are. They did it to themselves just like the Republicans did. But they don’t seem to mind the odor.

Nobody with an ounce of integrity or common sense likes Hillary Clinton. She is a dishonest, lying, racist, sexist con artist  with a vagina. And to be completely honest, that fact is in doubt as her husband seems to go out of his way to find other ones where ever he goes. Granted some of the women he has “Captured or Conquered Bill Cosby style” are pretty hot looking, the fact still remains. Something is making him look elsewhere. He can’t be satisfied at home. The email scandal and the whole world disintegrating on her watch as Secretary of State must have the Democrats scared to death that she will win the nomination.

With the field of 16-17 Republican candidates running this year it is obvious that they are going to get clobbered news coverage wise.  The Republicans will suck up the majority of the free publicity the news channels and networks are going to give the election. So the Democrats had to think of something fast. Someone figured that if they had a second candidate run against Hillary they could make it so that there would be conflict and news worthy content to send to the press every day. “See we have a race to cover also” So they found the most liberal and crotchety old fool they could find. Someone whose views are so far out there that no one would take him seriously and would give Hillary an easy target to squash in the polls and keep the news from being so lopsided coverage wise in favor of the Republicans.

Enter Bernie Sanders from Vermont.

An admitted socialist believing and spouting some of the same views that convinced the good and unsuspecting people of Germany to freely elect Adolph Hitler in the 1930s would be perfect. No American with an ounce of brains would ever consider voting for him. He is the perfect idiot to let Hillary and the Clinton Machine chew on as a pre convention snack.

Except no one told Bernie Sanders. He mobilized the younger voters to support him. You know, the folks who are more obsessed with their iPhones and twitter accounts than vaccinating their children against deadly diseases. The same kids who have never seen a war in their lifetimes against a real enemy who fought back against us. Snot nosed, know it alls who have never seen a dial telephone. (I never said Bernie was stupid. Even the dullest arrow can hit a target sometimes)

So now the Democrats are really in a pickle. Sanders is surging in the polls because the ignorant, foolish, and uneducated are allowed vote, Hillary is under investigation by the FBI for multiple felonies and campaign finance anomalies. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Joe Biden is waiting in the wings to swoop in like some sort of Super Hero to save the party and win the White House. Yup, the same Joe Biden who once asked a crippled man in a wheel chair to stand up and take a bow at a campaign rally for Barack Obama. (Remember where you heard this first)

Yes my faithful and constant readers, this is going to be a fun one to watch. The terrifying part is that regardless of who wins we, the American public, will lose. We will lose badly. Our freedoms are and will be stripped away from us, government intervention into your lives will increase and the politicians we elected to serve us will continue to exercise more and more control over our lives until we are THEIR servants. Not the other way around as the constitution written by our founding fathers warned.

Brave New World My Ass.

Curl Up and Learn Something…

This was an amazing week for ole Chuckie. I spent 7 days downtown at the Jacksonville Veterans Memorial Arena watching the USA National Curling Championships. That’s right, Curling, all 7 days and every match.

I know what you are thinking, Has he lost his mind? Spending a week watching a bunch of northern kids flinging biscuits down a frozen unswept shuffleboard court.  Having to wear winter weather clothes, has Chuckie finally lost it for good?

Once again I will prove to you how wrong your assumptions are and that I am, as always, on the cutting edge.

At first this goofy looking sport looks easy, almost too easy. Sometimes things that can be said easily enough are the hardest to do and master. Let’s go to the moon, let’s make a million dollars in Las Vegas, let’s swim across the ocean. All much easier said than done.

The biscuits these people are throwing weigh in at about forty (40) pounds each. Around the same as a frozen 5 gallon bucket of water. The granite they are made out of is mined in only one quarry on the planet. They are carved, more like milled, to tolerances that NASA would be proud of. They cost more than $500.00 new and the ones used for championships have another $500.00+ worth of electronics mounted in them. It takes sixteen (16) of these high priced rocks to play a game.

The ice is groomed so it’s covered with a bunch of tiny “pebbles” frozen to it. Imagine a basket ball with the pimpled texture on it just a little rougher. These pimples are then shaved down to a uniform height measured to the thousandth of an inch. This in itself amazed me. All I know about ice is that it’s cold, slippery, hard, and you grind it up to make Margaritas. They even make these pebbles with de-ionized water! A team of experts from around the country were in Jacksonville just to make ice!

The sweeping of the ice sheet in front of the rock is where the magic comes into play. By sweeping they are actually melting the ice thus forming a temporary microscopic layer of water. This area is slipperier than the drier ice and the rocks direction can be changed. These athletes can direct the 40 pound rock moving at anywhere from one to six miles and hour a couple feet in either direction just by sweeping. They are throwing these rocks at a target a foot in diameter 150 feet away! The closest stones to the center of the bullseye score points. You have to see it to believe it. It is downright spooky. Uri Geller spoon bending type magic!

The most amazing part is that even though these folks are the best in the world at this sport (played by millions around the globe) they are all good friends. I mean hugging each other, hanging out with each other’s families type friends. A National Championship match with 17 teams of four from all around the country, competing for trophies and titles and they are all pals. They smile, slap each other on the back, goof around and party afterwards with each other. This is a sport on ice where everyone carries a stick and I didn’t see one fight and everyone had all their teeth! I was adopted by a couple of these athletes families who gave me a crash course on the sport while sitting with them in the stands. I met and hung out with a three time olympian’s wife and children. Not one asshole or snob in the entire group. Try doing that with NFL or NBA players without bringing along some cocaine.

And don’t even begin to think that these people who master this frozen magic are just “Dumb Jocks”. There are Oncology Nurses, Pharmacists, Flight Test Engineers, Lawyers, Software Developers, Insurance Executives, and Grocery Store Clerks. One guy, I am told, even owns a franchise of 3 Ice Cream parlors…In Fairbanks Alaska!

This sport is called “Chess on Ice” and to me that’s an over simplification. I play chess. Pretty well in fact. In chess you can examine and evaluate the board and plan your moves based on your opponents play. In curling the moves can be anticipated but the placement of the shots and the resulting rebounds are variables and can’t be completely predicted. It is more of a mental exercise than you can imagine, and once you have a basic understanding of what is going on it becomes addicting.

Some of these teams have sponsors to help them offset the cost’s involved in playing and traveling to matches around the country. Most of them don’t. They are doing this because they have curled since they could walk and just love the sport. Try to imagine taking time off from work, flying to Florida in the winter, spending a week to ten days eating restaurant food and living in a hotel to play a sport you aren’t getting paid for. Talk about loving a game. This is amateur athletics at it’s finest.

How hooked am I? Well, Wifey and I are seriously looking at flying to Everett Washington next February to watch the 2017 National Championships. You do the math. Airfare across the country, lodging and eating plus car rental and event tickets to watch kids we don’t know throw rocks on an unswept hockey rink?

You are damn right. 

It’s that good.

Chuckie did WHAT?

If you have been reading my crazy blog rants for anytime now, You probably won't be surprised by anything I say or do.

This time you just may be!

Wifey and I have purchased four (4) mattresses in the 27 years we have been married. Each time we spent more money trying to get the most comfortable and best deal we could find. The last one cost more than a thousand ($1,000.00) dollars. It was one of those fancy pillow top monsters that the contour sheets barely fit on. It weighed a ton and was comfortable as hell….At first.

It was a super duper inner spring job from a pretty big name that rhymes with “Mealy”.

The problem is, well, I’m fat. Ok chubby if it makes you more comfortable. After a few years or so I noticed that when laying on this behemoth I was looking up at Wifey. Yes, the mattress was slowly eating me like a fat juicy fly caught in a Venus Fly Trap. We are talking quicksand here. I was sinking into a hole, divot, cavity or crater in the bed! After a few more months it was getting unbearable.

So I turned the mattress 180° one day, now Wifey had the crater to sleep in. 

Yeah, you guessed it. That didn’t go over very well.

So we started talking about a new mattress. We were watching a college football bowl game and a short commercial came on for a mattress that you order over the internet. Wifey and I looked at each other and thought how silly that sounded. So we immediately went to their web page.

And we are so glad we did.

I read all their information, looked up all their reviews on Amazon and the internet and was very impressed. A couple recent college grads, just kids really, started a company that was so revolutionary in concept I just had to talk to them.

When I contacted the on-line chat guy who popped up in that annoying little box I was flabbergasted. He “Got” me! I asked him what type of paint I should use Latex or Oil based. He screamed at me that I shouldn’t paint it! I asked him what the capitol of Nevada was and he got that right as well. (Most don’t know it’s Carson City) I think I might have freaked him out a little.

We bought the mattress. 

And it’s fucking AWESOME! It has a 100 day guarantee. If you don’t like it they give you your money back. You heard me, they give you your money back. Who else has the balls to offer that? But you won’t want to return it. It is easily the most comfortable mattress we have ever had. Sure we are only two weeks into owning it, but I can tell you that we have never slept as well in our lives.

The price? Well, you can look it up on their web site, but when I went to get a new frame at a mattress store I jumped on a couple of their beds and found that a comparable one was a little over $2,100.00. Yup you read that right, two thousand one hundred bucks. Now that doesn’t really scare me. For the amount of time I sleep on my bed (2,900 hrs per year or more) that’s not a lot of money overall. My new mattress cost less than a third of that!

Check them out on the web. Their name is Tuft & Needle and the  address is: http://www.tn.com.

Just go put on your big boy pants, suck it up and order one. Sure it’s scary spending that much money over the internet, but rest assured (cute huh?) we did and we are tickled shitless. 

It really is that good.

Radio Free Chuckie.....

Chuckie Calling……

I think that will be name of one of my programs once I win the one billion dollar ($1,000,000,000.00) Powerball Lottery next week.

You see, I plan to start my own international shortwave radio station. It will be called “The Voice of Chuckie” and will broadcast is as many languages as I can find friends who speak a foreign language. 

The reason? Well I’ll be honest. If I win a billion dollars why the hell not? What would you expect me to do? Party and drink and fuck myself to death? Where’s the fun in that?

Shortwave radio has fascinated me ever since I was a kid. Dad was a HAM radio operator and made for me a little crystal radio set out of some wire and a toilet paper tube. With an old set of headphones I could pick up WTIC 1080 am in Hartford Ct. Sure it wasn’t from thousands of miles away, but that didn’t matter to a 10 year old kid. I would sit on Dad’s lap in his basement “Radio Shack” and listen to him talk to people all over the world.

It was fucking magic to me plain and simple.

Years later I started getting hooked again on the hobby. In high school, before the demise of Radio Shack stores, I bought a digital shortwave radio. That was really something. Dad showed me how to orient and calculate the length of my long wire antennas so I could pick up stations from around the world. As a poor college student, I had another  much cheaper radio from the “The Shack” that I listened to at night. My friends were out drinking and scoring ugly drunken women and I was home listening to the Russians and British on the shortwave. Yes I was a Nerd of the first order.

I started collecting old Hallicrafters radios at flea markets and off of eBay. I would send them to my dad to restore and play with. It gave him something to do I suppose. He never bitched about it and seemed to enjoy that I was sort of following in his footsteps with my hobby.

later on I became a HAM myself. It used to be that once you retired from the amateur radio hobby your call sign was retired. When that rule was changed my dad’s old call sign was available again. So I studied up, took the test and received his old call sign. I still have it and play with the 2m and 70 cm bands especially during Hurricane season in Florida where I live. Down deep inside I think he is proud of me and secretly pleased that I got his old callsign.

A couple years ago Wifey gave me a very nice (Like $500 + nice) icom digital shortwave radio for Christmas. It is freaking awesome. But there is only one problem. Most of the countries I used to listen to  have discontinued their world band (Shortwave)  broadcasts to North America or closed up shop altogether. Budgetary reasons they say. They now broadcast on the far cheaper internet. Which really sucks.

Sure you don’t get the pops and crackles, fading in and out and whistles like old time shortwave gave you, but the internet stations can be blocked or shut down by the push of a button. You also need a computer or a pretty advanced “idiot phone” to listen nowadays. More government censorship the conspiracy center of my brain tells me.

It pisses me off, it really does.

So therefore I want to start my own radio show. I’ll get Joe, who speaks Spanish, to be my News director, hire a jock to do my sports show. Wifey will be my medical editor. I’ll get Lady Finn’s kids to do the musical segments and I will do the commentary. Joe also has a catholic thing going on so he can be my vatican news update reporter as well.

This makes perfect sense to me as I have already conquered the internet with my award winning informative and entertaining blog which you are now reading.

How can I lose with a line up like that?

My Latest Stupid Idea.....

“My Name is Chuckie and I live in Jacksonville Florida”

“Hello Chuckie” The group of faceless Jacksonville residents repeated in unison after the JRA (Jacksonville Residents Anonymous) meeting starts..

Why do I attend these meetings, I hear you cry? Well, I'll tell you, I live in about the most backwards and non-sensical city in the country. And that saddens me.

How can that be? How dare you? What do you you base this statement on?

Okay, here are a few examples.

Jacksonville has a budget problem but we spend money on stupid shit as if we were printing it. Look at Metro Park. The city has a gorgeous older concert facility sitting on prime real estate next to the river downtown. The stage is in disrepair after years of the city's neglect. We could drop a few million dollars and upgrade this existing facility into a world class amphitheater. Sounds good right? Wrong. Not to the Jacksonville city council. They just voted to spend forty five million  ($45,000,000.00) of your tax dollars to help the owner of the Jaguars build a new facility downtown on the river. Not a word about upgrading the existing facility.

Yes, you heard me right. The same city council that is involved in ethics investigations for accepting illegal gifts and bribes from the Jacksonville Jaguars just voted to give the owner of the Jaguars forty five million dollars. For a team that is proudly boasting a 5-10 record. “Move on folks, Nothing to see here”.

Where does Jacksonville get all this cash to hand over to the Jaguars to try and keep them from leaving town and lining the cities council members pockets? That's an easy one. They just steal it from other non-essential parts of the cities budget. So we cut the size of the police force, we close a few fire stations. Libraries? Don’t need those. Maintenance to the streets and infrastructure? Put it off a few more years. The streets and utility grids have worked well for fifty years or so, why worry about it now? Hell, let’s just increase the rates at the city owned utility companies while we are at it. Who can fight that? So what if our bridges are falling down, water pipes are breaking, the crime statistics rise and residents are being flooded out of their homes when it rains? This is the Jaguars we are talking about!

The budget issues didn’t bother any of the Jaguars fans until a couple years ago when the budget shortfall was so bad there was talk of cutting the after school athletic programs. Then the shit hit the fan. Why would we want to send our children to school if there wasn’t any football, basketball or baseball for them to play?  Don’t we have any priorities? Funny how that issue was fixed so quickly.

So then the politicians came up with a sneaky answer. They raised fees on city services. Of course they didn’t raise taxes. That’s a political no no. Just fees on things that the residents of the city use and enjoy. Want to go to the beautiful parks at the beach? Open up your wallet. The roads inside of Huguenot park are crumbling away. The city keeps raising the price of admission but never fixes the roads. Where does the money go? Call the city and ask them how much it would cost you to tie up your boat at the Marina on the St. Johns River (that your tax dollars paid for) on a weekend when the Jaguars have a home game. Want to pitch a tent at Hanna Park? You better be prepared to drop $50 to $60 bucks for the weekend.

Since the Jacksonville city council is so keen on blowing your hard earned money on silly shit for the Jaguars, I have the grandaddy stupidest idea of them all.

Let’s build the worlds first floating football stadium.

We could anchor it in the St. Johns river then tow it all over the east coast so that when the Jaguars lose the next game the city doesn’t have to endure the stench of their defeat. If more than a hundred fans show up for a game, we can tow the stadium off shore so the assholes on the other side of the river won’t complain about the noise. I mean c’mon now. We have a football stadium with a couple of swimming pools in it for beer swilling redneck fans to pee in, why not float the whole stadium and run the plumbing from the urinals directly into the river? And when the city has no more money to give, when every taxpayer can’t afford to feed his family, Shad Kahn could tow the stadium somewhere else and milk a new city into bankruptcy.  I wonder if it would make it to London?

It wouldn’t cost that much to achieve this accomplishment either. We could just close all the schools, lay off half the police force and fire department’s, let all of the bad guys out of jail and then raise a few more fees. Simple as pie.

And if we can’t find a material that is buoyant enough to support the incredible weight of the stadium we could just simply bundle more cash together to make floats to hold that boondoggle up.

You got any better ideas?

Water on the Brain...

Once again the current record California drought has made the national news. 

It seems all the self proclaimed geniuses have decided that dumping millions of 3” plastic floating balls into their reservoirs will stop the evaporation of their dwindling water supply. In one water pond alone they have dumped in 97 million of these things that look like floating Bocci balls. The cost so far? Thirty eight million bucks. You read it correctly, $38,000,000 in this one reservoir alone.

How many more lakes are they going to drop these plastic time bombs into? They don’t hurt the environment is what the state government is telling everyone. How many times have we heard THAT kinda SHIT before? I can remember when plastic Nalgene bottles were safe before anyone knew what BPA was. Remember "nine out of ten doctors prefer Camels"? "Here is a prescription for Thalidomide to help you sleep through your morning sickness. It’s perfectly safe”. The list goes on and on.

How many times have we stated a product is safe with our current knowledge of chemistry and physiology only to find out later that we were wrong? Dead wrong. How many times will be be able to afford to do stupid shit like this without regard of the consequences, without even a clue to what said future consequences might be?

Maybe some of the people who have caused the severe water shortage in California should do the environmentally correct and responsible thing and move the hell away! That part of the continent NEVER could support the population that is living there now. They have had droughts since the beginning of time and have always managed to build more reservoirs, aqueducts, and water pipelines into the state. The simple answer was and is to just buy more water from somewhere else.

But what happens when you can’t afford it or there is no more water to buy? Tax the shit out of the rest of the country to make up for your own reproductive incompetence? Steal the water from neighboring states? Bitch loudly about how it’s anyones fault but your own? All the above?

As usual I have to come up with the intelligent answer.

Tax the shit out of the Californians and use the cash to build desalination facilities. It’s not like California doesn’t have miles of coast line to suck salt water from the ocean. Sure it isn’t cheap, but it does work, has been proven safe and will solve the problem until the population explodes there again. Use the money from the plastic balls program to kick start the massive building campaign. I’m sure with some creative incentives those liberal assholes could find a way to extract the cash from their citizens.

Hell if you sucked enough water from the oceans just maybe the sea levels will stop rising and they would save the planet. (More idiotic, junk science logic)

Nah, that wouldn’t work. California would then probably send an invoice to Florida for saving those idiot waterfront dwellers from drowning….

What's Wrong with America.

I’ll tell you.

No one else will because they are too sensitive or too caring.

We have lost our creative abilities.

Take this toxic mine waste water spill in Colorado.

If I lived there, I would buy as many baby food jars as I could find/afford/carry and bottle that yucky water and sell that shit for ten dollars a cup. Think of the fun you could have and the money you could make selling that shit on the internet. I’d buy some right now just to put on my mantle.

Ten bucks a cup or twenty bucks a quart.

Sort of like the kids who sold a couple of dump trucks full of volcanic ash from Mt. St. Helens for ten bucks an ounce and made millions of dollars.

I would lock up toxicwater.com on the internet and make insane amounts of paypal quick cash.

Why is it that I have to think of this stuff? The fact that I do think of this and no one else does is what's wrong with America.

Let's Make a Deal.....

The Iranian Deal…

It seems I haven’t been preaching politics enough lately as people are still spouting foolish things on social media. As it’s my duty to educate and enlighten the world, I therefore submit…

The Iran Nuclear deal is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Our President has assured that Iran will have nuclear weapons probably THIS year. Yes you read it right. THIS YEAR!

You think I am crazy? Well just try and use the small percentage of your brain you didn’t destroy with dope in high school for a minute. Ready? Here goes.

What are the ways a country can gain access to a nuclear weapon?

#1 Spend years on research and untold amounts of treasure on talent and equipment to develop the technology allowing the enrichment of uranium or plutonium and then construct a deliverable weapon.

#2 Steal the technology through espionage and follow step one, sort of like how the Russians did back in the late 1940s.

#3 Steal a weapon from an insecure facility somewhere in the world and transport it secretly to your own facilities for placement on a yet to be built delivery system.

#4 Buy one from some unscrupulous country or dictator who’s ideals and goals match yours. This would require a lot of balls and a huge amount of cash.

There you have it. The current deal the president want’s you to swallow puts severe limits on Iran’s ability to research and manufacture a nuclear weapon for at least 10 years. After that, he’s out of office playing golf and all bets are off. So option #1 is out. So is option #2 because the same technologies needed to utilize the stolen information would be covered by the treaty. Option #3 is pretty much impossible as most nuclear weapons are pretty well guarded and easily traceable.

Then there is option #4. This is the unspoken nightmare scenario that our dipshit leaders have over looked.

When we agreed to lift the trade sanctions against Iran, even before they have complied with all their requirements of this deal, we gave them the golden ticket. With the sanctions lifted they will now be able to sell hundreds of millions of dollars of oil to countries around the world. This is cash they didn’t have access to under the US led sanctions. In addition their foreign assets amounting to almost a billion dollars will be released back to them.

So we have now given the leaders of Iran a faster and more direct way to acquiring a nuclear weapon. Who would sell it to them? That’s pretty easy. Any cash strapped country that has the technology already. Russia, China, North Korea, Pakistan, maybe even India. Add in a country or two that doesn’t look favorably on Israel and the deal is done.

No wonder the Iranians are tickled shitless with this deal they muscled past our idiot leaders. It will save them billions of research and construction dollars and get them to their goal of “Wiping Israel off The Map” years sooner than anyone would ever think.

So the leading country in the "State Sponsored Terrorism" race has now been given the ability to use nuclear weapons against their future targets. Read that again before you go to sleep tonight. Better yet, imagine said nuclear weapon was aboard one of the aircraft that took down one of the twin towers on Sept. 11th. Maybe 5 million people killed in New York City would get your attention.

Yup. Our president is doing a wonderful job alright. He sure has you fooled.

Gotta love that "Hope & Change"

Coerced Retraction?

Well the plot has thickened.

I just received an email from the folks at the restaurant where Mr. Shatner and his entourage ate and left without paying their bill. 

In the email they were quite upset and related to me that Mr. Shatner’s crew HAD paid his tab and left them a “very good gratuity” Apparently they also gave out two $100.00 gift cards to winners of a poster contest that was held so their day was a positive day cash register wise.

Apparently they never realized that I was going to publish the story they told and are afraid of negative feedback, or the whole event was fabricated and meant to be a great story to tell customers as they stopped for dinner. I'm not sure which is true. Their email also said that they didn't appreciate the negative attention my blog post created and had already had a documentary film crew cancel visiting their establishment.

My post was up for 27 hours total and had 18 individual visits. A dozen of which are people I personally know. So out of the remaining six people who saw my post one was a documentary film producer who decided to cancel his meal plans at said establishment? And all this happened on a Saturday afternoon in Holbrook Az from my little blog posting?

That sounds overly embellished as well. 

So it seems I have been duped. I related an honest story as it was told to me and the party of 10 people at our table by our overly enthusiastic waiter. I have since removed the offending story as the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt an honest business struggling to make it on America’s “Mother Road”.

I will also, as a courtesy, remove any references to their establishment in the forthcoming book that is being written about our Route 66 travels. The review that we had prepared of their establishment was extremely favorable and it’s a shame it won’t be seen. As offended as they are about being mentioned in my blog, it pales to compare to the bad taste left in my mouth after being openly and publicly lied to by their employees.

As for you readers, I have documentation of the related incident including statements, dictated and recorded by our waiter and the gentleman at the cash register. They were more than happy to let us pay for Mr. Shatner’s lunch and thought the idea of me posting it on the internet was funny.

Everyone who wonders why I carried that dictaphone with me everywhere should now understand.  It would seem pretty stupid to make false statements to a person holding a recording device who asked you to make a recorded statement for him.

It’s a shame an over zealous waiter needed to fabricate a story such as this to entertain his customers. You would think the history of Route 66 would provide plenty of stories to relate rather than slander a public figure.

Raisin Fusion?

While goofing around on the internet recently, I have uncovered a disturbing trend. I think it comes from the lack of science and mathematics being taught in our public school systems.

The amount of “Junk Science” floating around the internet is staggering. Everything from cleaning up the ocean and electric cars to solar powered roads, man made climate change and recycling. Everyone has an opinion or belief that they are absolutely convinced can and will change the world. No amount of factual data will convince these new unqualified experts they could be wrong or mislead.

It seems the internet has spawned a new form of fiction that has a huge readership. If you can make something believable, no matter how impossible or stupid, you can become an internet sensation. Never mind basic physics or simple things like gravity and friction. All you have to do is find a silly cause, make up an even sillier solution and hit the send button. Every scientific genius on Facebook will share your idea and you will become instantly famous. If enough uneducated people hit your site, it will go “Viral” and may even get picked up by the mainstream media. That ensures the cycle will continue.

I guess this is just a natural human need to search for and maybe even achieve your personal 15 minutes of fame. Myself, if I have to be remembered for something I would hope it wasn’t for something stupid. Sure the toaster sized home nuclear reactor I am working on sounds like a good idea. After I am gone and it’s proven just how far fetched and idiotic an idea it really is, would it do my memory and legacy any justice? Do I want to be remembered as an idiot? Can I prevent that anyway?

When you put ideas out on the internet you are potentially reaching every person on the planet. Those thoughts are there forever (unless you are Hillary Clinton). You can’t get them back, scrub or sanitize them. Why doesn’t anyone think before they post such nonsense? All they achieve is world wide attention of their gullibility. 

The next logical question is: “But Chuckie, Look at the shit you post in your blog?” Fair point. The only difference here is no one READS my blog and I am acutely aware of what I post and my reputation. And I don’t care.

My Raisin powered home nuclear reactor will solve the energy crisis, reverse man made climate change, repair the drought damage in California and power your home. The raisin farmers will get hugely rich and the new world currency will be the Raisin.

If we mass produce this device, everyone of us would become their own private utility. We could sell our excess power back to the utility companies and the non believes would then be supporting us. We could even get the government to sponsor a tax break for buying one of these stupid inventions. Sort of like they do for electric cars.

It’s a simple process really. The toaster sized, brushed stainless steel box would sit on your counter. Every day you would drop a raisin into the hole on top and it would convert the organic material into electricity through the magic of nuclear fusion (or some other little understood process) The only “Waste Products” that it would emit are electricity, water and Velveeta cheese. We would use the electricity to power our computers for the internet and our Nintendo systems, the water we would mail to California and we would use the Velveeta to make broccoli palatable.

Maybe I can get some huckster like Elon Musk to market my idea, sell it to Congress and make a bazillon dollars from research grants. Meanwhile, look for more discussion about this project on the Weather Channel and the Internet.

Both are equally full of shit these days……….

MY Latest Brainstorm...

It’s happened to everyone at one time or another. You have Blue Corn Flakes or some other high fiber cereal for breakfast. A healthy lunch with high fiber bread and let’s say beef bologna and cheddar cheese in your sandwich. Then a nice dinner of a lean steak, corn on the cob and a high fiber salad.

You kiss your beautiful wife good night and then go to sleep. Seems like a perfect day right?

I’m not done yet.

The next morning you awaken to birds singing, The smell of fresh coffee and maybe even blueberry pancakes on the stove. You head off to the bathroom for your morning constitutional and then it happens.

You sit down and start to push. Your bowels are straining and you begin to make some really funny faces. All of a sudden you fire out a turd about the size of a golfball and it splashes down not unlike a fat guy doing a cannonball from the high dive at a swimming pool. Your butt gets soaked. Hopefully you didn’t pee before launching this poop missile. You say some choice words, dry yourself off and low and behold you fire off another one!

Kinda ruins your whole morning doesn't it?

I hate this and yes I have thought of a solution.

Have you ever seen the high diving competitions on TV where the divers jump into a pool where there is compressed air making bubbles in the water? The bubbles break up the surface tension of the water making for a softer landing for the diver. Surface tension is the invisible “film” on top of the water that allows water bugs and lawn clippings and fly fishing dry flies to float on top of the water. If you break this up the water is softer and doesn’t splash as much. It’s not unlike the film on pudding or a thin layer of ice on a frozen lake.

So my idea is to manufacture a “Biffy Bubbler”. It is a toilet bubbler that will generate thousands of small bubbles in your commode while you sit down to do your business. It will be on a pressure switch so it only bubbles when you sit on the seat. It can be either 12 volt or a 120 volt plug in system. You could even get a kit to make it solar powered for those of you who are environmental nutcases. There could be a system to attach the bubbler to a tire pump so you can get exercise while you pinch your morning loaf. Eventually all the commodes in the world could have small holes in them and an air hose connection to allow whichever system you choose to be installed.

I hope to have a prototype available soon.

You can thank me later…

All About Cookies...

This whole news capturing, religious freedom nonsense in Indiana is over cookies. You heard me right, GOD DAMN COOKIES!

It turns out some people in Indiana went to a bakery and ordered some cookies that had rainbows on them for a homosexual get together. The owner and his deeply Christian family chose not to make the cookies for the group. They felt it violated their religious beliefs. Add a few lawyers and a political consultant or two and this stupid shit spiraled out of control. The media jumped on it and now every special interest group thinks they are going to be discriminated against. The new Indiana law doesn’t allow discrimination. It merely allows a business to not be bullied into making decisions contrary to the owners personal religious beliefs. Pretty simple really.

I suppose the Gay group who wanted those cookies had no other choice than to buy them at that specific bakery. I am sure there are no other bakeries in the city who could make cookies. They were just cookies with rainbows on them. What if they were for a child's birthday party? How did the the bakery owner know they were for a same sex couple/group/organization?  Is this really a fundamental right that has been violated? Who are we kidding here?

This whole thing sounds like a clever set up to me.

Suppose we consider the converse situation?

You and your same sex partner own a bakery. One day a group of rough looking bald guys in leather jackets come in and order ten cakes saying "All Faggots Must Die"or "Kill Queers". Do you serve them? What if you are of the Jewish persuasion and you get an order for 10 dozen cookies with swastikas on them? The potential for extreme examples here goes on forever. Say a Hindu eatery being forced to sell bacon or worse beef? Where do you draw the line? Does every group that squeals the loudest get what they want?

Of course this can be traced back to religious nut cases and the news media who will take anything they can find and whip it into an earth shattering crisis just to make a buck. 

Government needs to stay the hell out of business and business needs to stay the hell out of government.

Period.

And now every self righteous business owner from Apple's chief asshole Tim Cook to the Mayor of San Fransisco and the Governor of Connecticut are threatening boycotts of Indiana because they respect the rights of business owners over the sensitivities of Gay people. The NCAA is even jumping on the free publicity bandwagon. You can bet your last dollar it will be a lead story on the national news tonight.

The last thing anyone should care about is who boinks who and why. It's nobodies business. If you openly broadcast what you do and are proud of it, then you get to take the consequences.

This is just more liberal vs conservative bullshit being stirred up in front of the next election cycle. The media is already asking potential candidates how they stand on this "important" issue. News reporters are now asking where the White House stands on this subject. I wish I was running for office. I would be glad to answer this question in public, on the news. I am sure they wouldn't air my views in prime time.

Mind your own business assholes...

Real Life Risk...TPP part 2

With the establishment of the TPP, a second part to my World Peace/Domination plan is needed. Although controversial, this plan will work and kill a bunch of ugly birds with the minimal amount of stone throwing.

The first thing we need to do is either arm Israel to the teeth and go in and wipe out ISIS and scare the shit out of Iran or abandon Israel totally and threaten the shit out of Turkey.

If we arm Israel and get Neutron Bomb serious with ISIS, we get rid of that silly Islamic terrorism threat once and for all. We would secure Israel and have troops and weapons in the region to protect the Bosphorus Straits. This would also put the fear of Allah into Iran and force them to behave until the next gutless, tree hugging Democrat was elected President of the United States.

If we abandon Israel, they will act on their own to take care of the ISIS and Iranian problems while we let Turkey know that we will drop them from NATO and leave them to become the latest Russian peasants standing in line for toilet paper and a monthly loaf of bread. We would still be able to close the straits with air power from nearby bases in NATO supporting countries and we wouldn’t have to deal with Turkey acting like they are in charge. Come to think of it, Do they even use toilet paper?

For those of you asleep in history class in high school, The Bosphorus Straits are the only way the Russian’s Black Sea (warm water) Fleet can get to the open Atlantic Ocean. The Russian’s took Crimea so they could get a warm water port for their military operations. Without the 2 mile wide straight through Turkey, their entire North Atlantic fleet is bottled up in the Black Sea. Essentially a large bathtub able to threaten no one. As more than six thousand Russian oil tankers use this strait a year, this would choke off one of Putin’s major sources of foreign cash flow as well.

Remember, Turkey is letting ANYONE into the region across their borders to join ISIS. This includes foreign fighters and little girls. The only time they appear to be on our side is when they need our help to let the Kurd’s go in and try to expand their territory at everyone else’s expense. If we were forced to bomb the straits to bottle up the Russian’s, Istanbul would be cremated as well. Turkey would NEVER want that to happen. So that’s another chip in our pile on the table.

So let’s see here. In two blog posts I have:

•Solved the Russian-Ukrainian war threat stopping Russian expansion
•Supplied relief to starving and freezing Ukrainian’s and Poles
•Increased American oil profits and dropped gasoline prices at the pump
•Increased the value of your oil rich 401K plan
•Eliminated the ISIS issue and Radical Islam
•Shut down the immigration routes to ISIS through Turkey
•Bottled up Russia’s powerful Black Sea Fleet.
•Addressed and minimized the Iranian issue

All without declaring war on anybody and with minimum investment.

And also, I might add, before lunch.

It’s a shame that no one reads my blog. If any of our government officials could read, these ideas might stand a chance. I am sure CBS would rethink my application to replace Andy Rooney if they did. I would work for them for 1/2 his final salary.