Wifey has the Answer………..

While we were traveling to Las Vegas a few weeks ago we were stunned to see how long it took to board and leave the aircraft. Yes it was a 757 and held a couple hundred passengers. The hold up was all the rude and inconsiderate people who carry on their luggage instead of checking it at the counter.

I’ve heard the arguments before. I travelled by air extensively when I worked for Bank of America. I probably flew more than most. I am still not impressed with their rationale.

If you need to get out of the airport 15 minutes faster and checking your luggage would slow down your travel, take an earlier flight. No matter what you are told, the airlines rarely loose checked baggage anymore. Sure, years ago when it was all hand sorted, a lot of bags were lost. Most were recovered and delivered to you by the airlines at their expense. Today your claim ticket is computer bar coded and the loss rate is far below 1 percent.

Your huge carry on broke my expensive pair of prescription sunglasses that were in my over coat pocket that you squished when you, rather rudely, shoved your oversize suitcase into the overhead bin. You don’t care. You are a selfish asshole.

I wonder how quickly the aircraft would load and unload passengers if everyone found their seat, sat down, buckled up and they then closed the door?

Wifey’s idea, and I love it, is to charge these rude bastards $10.00 for each carry on bag that doesn’t fit under the seat in front of you. Why charge all the people who follow the rules and check their bags ten to thirty dollars apiece? The airlines are paying the baggage handlers already. That money is just gravy to the airlines. Why not make a little more and try to alleviate the other problems at the same time? These rude, inconsiderate, self serving, “professional business travelers” will cough up the money any way. Hell, just enforce the carry on size limits. I would choose the airline with that policy every time.

Looks like a win-win situation to me. Speed up departures, increase airline revenue, and don’t damage my expensive personal property by being an asshole.

Great idea Wifey! Just another reason why I love you. You are one smart cookie.

Everything has a Price………

Wifey and I just got back from a quickie trip to Las Vegas. We left Orlando on Monday night and flew back Wednesday night. When we arrived we were starving. We checked into our room at the Mirage and headed off in search of food.

Las Vegas isn’t hurting. The economy is just fine out there. People were everywhere. The prices are still outrageous. There wasn’t much in the way of food that I felt was affordable.

We ate dinner at a burger joint inside the Mirage. BLT Burger it’s called. They have another store in New York City. I was tired and horrified at the prices for a cheese burger and onion rings. And then I saw it on the menu.

A 6 ounce hamburger made with American Kobe Beef. Kobe Beef is that rare strain of cow that lives in Japan. The animals are groomed daily and massaged up to 10 hours a day. They eat better than I do! It is the finest beef in the world. Since the Mad Cow scare came about it has become illegal to import the stuff from Japan. Years ago a cattle rancher in the US got some of these cows and started raising them. Hence the name American Kobe Beef. A good Kobe Beef  steak, say a 12 ounce strip would be upwards of $60.00 if you could find it. 

My Cheeseburger had Vermont cheddar, iceberg lettuce, a big juicy tomato slice and a slice of Vidalia onion on it. I ordered it as rare as they could legally make it. It came on this humongous sesame seed bun and even had a great tasting pickle on top.

It was the best burger I have ever had in my entire life. No Joke. Read this line again. I get chills just thinking about it. I am going to have them freeze one on dry ice and get it shipped to me via FedEx.

The cost? $17.00 and it was worth every penny. The secondary cost? A nasty case of diverticulitis. Must have been those damn seeds and to tell you the truth. I would do it again in a flash. The oralgasim I had is worth the pain I have now.

It was that good………………

Beauty and Brains……………..

The best part of being an American is that anyone who thinks up a great idea and acts on it can make a ton of money and be happy.

Take for example the Miss America pageant

Any idea who won this year? Never mind that it is a hopeless waste of time and beauty. Forget the fact that it should be done naked so we can make sure that our national icon of beauty doesn’t have a birthmark that looks like Florida on her one of her breasts (or worse a demonic tattoo of some sort) And why not require chest x-rays to make sure we are getting 100% USDA Grade A premium kosher meat without fillers or additives?

The best part of this years beauty scam is that no one knows who won! It would suck to be crowned Miss America when the runner up makes a statement which is not politically correct and steals all your thunder.

Regardless of your opinion on Gay marriage you have to admit that the hauntingly beautiful Miss California stole the show and is going to make millions off of her personal beliefs while the real Miss America is going to get a hundred bucks a pop for opening Wal-Marts across the country. Don’t get me wrong, Katie Stam, Miss America from Indiana is gorgeous as well. She’s just not as SMART as Carrie Prejean the current runner up from California. It’s a shame that there isn’t a strategy component to being Miss America.

So while the runner up babe is going to be the spokesperson for the National Organization for Marriage at millions of dollars a year our current Miss America was in Talladega Alabama trying to get all the redneck NASCAR fans to stop staring at her breasts and acknowledge that she really is someone important.

Is this a great country or what!

The Plot Thickens………….

Imagine a new novel about a president who is in trouble. His policies that in the beginning looked like salvation to a desperate electorate are starting to look like the death of capitalism in his country. The Dow drops 3,000 points in his first 100 days. The majority of his cabinet nominations resign for income tax violations. Piracy on the high seas is at record levels. The Middle East and Muslim world is getting ready to explode in civil and region wide religious war and the border with Mexico is being over run with drug dealers and uncontrolled gang warfare.

Now the president and his secretary of state just got back from a conference in Mexico to discuss a way to stop the violence and all these drug related killings on both side of the border.

Did anyone see the movie Wag the Dog? Go rent it today. It is a movie about a president who gets into trouble and hires a team of Hollywood producers to invent or concoct a phony war to act as a diversion to what’s really going on.

Enter Swine Flu.

One confirmed death on American soil to date (April 29, 2009 1345 EST) and that was a child from Mexico who came across the border and died in a Houston hospital. One hundred (100) cases reported in the US so far.

In 2005 according to graphics Fox news just showed, with data provided by the CDC, more than 63,000 people died from the flu. That’s just the regular flu! That’s better than 172 people per day for the normal flu that grips the nation every year! Here we are freaking out over one 22 month old Mexican kid who was infected in Mexico and died here? The news just said that the state of Texas just cancelled all high school football games for the next two weeks? You have got to be kidding me. What’s going on here?

Gerald Ford tried the Swine Flu diversion when he was president. It didn’t work. His problems were over blown by the democrat opposition. He eventually lost his reelection bid.

Would it be so unfathomable that the news about this minor flu outbreak is being over blown by the liberal news media and being fanned by the current administration? Will our president be able to put on his tight fitting super hero leotards and swoop down and fix this current dilemma? What will we fall for next?

Sounds like the plot for a great comic book instead of a novel…….

Barstool Mountain………….

I bought Wifey this really cool iPod Nano for Christmas last year. It’s blue and she loves it. Then I showed her how to download songs from the iTunes store. The other day she downloaded a really cool music video from some guy singing in Hawaii. Life is good right?

Imagine my horror when she downloaded Disco Inferno. My lovely, intelligent wife likes disco music. What’s next? Barry Manilow? I’d rather listen to Sigmund and the Sea Monsters.

 I got her back though. You see, Chuckie went to college in West Texas. I learned quickly that those Miss America class beautiful little Texas girls were brought up on country music. So I did the unthinkable. I started listening to country music. Hell, I even started drinking beer with the late night DJ from the station near the Texas Tech campus.

That’s how I met Johnny Paycheck. What a fun guy he was, He even remembered me when he came back through town every couple of months. He loved the BBQ at Stubbs and was hooked on Coors beer.

Sure he was an outlaw, hard drinking country singer. The man was a study in extremes. He could get drunk and start a bar fight in seconds. He could also wax poetical and even get a tear in his eye when he talked about how he admired Buddy Holly.

We lost Johnny on Feb 19 2003. The world will never be the same for me

I found a bunch of his music on iTunes and most of it now resides on my hard drive. Whenever I hear Wifey’s computer screeching that horrible disco music I crank up a few of Johnny’s best songs to drown her out. Barstool Mountain, Georgia in a Jug, Take this Job and Shove it. Friend, Lover, Wife and Colorado Kool-Aide.

Did I mention Wifey  hates country as much as I hate disco?

I miss you Johnny and thanks for the ammunition to battle that Gloria Gaynor and Barry Gibb noise that Wifey tortures me with.

The Question of the Day……….

I am faced with a delicate decision here. I am outfitting the Man Cave and I am not sure what I want to do in the way of decorating. My friends have posters of scantily clad women in all sorts of suggestive poses with motorcycles and in some cases tool chests.

Now I am no different from any other red blooded American male. (Well in most respects anyway) I still get shivers when I see a poster of Raquel Welch in a roller derby uniform, and some of the reporterettes on CNN are absolutely stunning.

But still, I’m getting older and beauty fades. I still am in awe of Wifey when she wakes up gorgeous. Even with sleep in her eyes she is still a looker to me. I just think it would be weird to have a poster of her hanging in my Man Cave. I don’t know what I would feel if some of my friends were getting loaded and making howling noises at my wife’s picture.

As I get older I am more impressed with intelligent, thoughtful women rather than the silicone injected bimbos who serve me chicken wings and refuse to give a whole pitcher of beer to a patron sitting at a table by himself.

No, I have made my decision. I am going to get a couple of posters of one of the most intelligent and thoughtful woman I can think of. And I am pretty sure Wifey won’t mind either.

So if any of you out there in the cyber world know where I can get a poster of Judge Judy I would really appreciate it.

That should keep the wild drunks in my garage at bay…………….

A New Cable Channel…………..

That’s what I thought at first. I then realized it was the STSOY (Scare the Shit Outta You) channel. Formerly known as the History Channel.

It seems that the History Channel runs out of their spectacular programing every now and them and needs to rise to a lower level and start showing programs that document every conceivable threat to humanity.

Sure the earth could be in the path of a huge asteroid. We also may get zapped by a killer gamma ray burst. Super volcanoes have erupted in the past and there have been continent wide plagues as recently as the 1400s. This is the stuff of history and should be studied and learned from. Maybe if we are really clever we might be able to prevent, or at least, learn to cope with these disasters when they do happen.

This weeks fare on the History Channel is pure fecal fantasy.

Super hurricanes that are 2,000 (two thousand) miles wide with 500+mph winds? When has that ever happened? Robotic intelligence taking over the planet? I’ll even throw in global warming to this stewpot as it is a farce as well. Some of these future and farcical disasters rival the plot of Bartholomew and the Oobleck. Go ahead. Read that one. I dare you!

Why can’t anyone just stick to what they do best? There is a Science Fiction Channel on cable. Leave the speculative nonsense to them. Even though they cancelled Tripping the Rift they do a pretty good job of showcasing the future possibilities of our silly species.

Maybe I should write the short story of the Velveeta Asteroid hitting the earth.

Stay Tuned………………..

Chuckie’s Favorite Movies…………

In no particular order:

Mutiny on the Bounty

The Corpse Grinders

The Mosquito Coast

The African Queen

Sometimes a Great Notion

Treasure of the Sierra Madre

The Birds

Ben Hur

Mystery Alaska

Caddyshack

Lawrence of Arabia

Planet of the Apes (Original, The remake sucked)

Soylent Green

The Maltese Falcon

Psycho (Ditto on the remakes)

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

Dr. Strangelove

Heavy Metal

Beerfest! (Saw this one coming didn’t ya!)

Master and Commander, Far Side of the World

Casablanca

Blazing Saddles

The Stand

Cool Hand Luke

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (Yes I spelled it that way on purpose)

Mary Poppins

Apocalypse Now

Sahara

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Pirates of the Caribbean (Just the first one)

The Godfather

Mars Attacks

I have to stop here. I have seen so many movies in my life that I could go on forever. I will post a listing of the movies that make me gag in another post. Who knows, it’s raining here today so I might just go on marathon blogging. Hell, no one reads this anyway!

I Hate Small………

Those of you who know me will attest that there isn’t much that I do small. From building Trebuchet’s and cooking pigs to eating pasta I’m a big guy. Does it get me into trouble? Sure has. Who would have thought that five pounds of steak a day on the Adkins Diet would clog my arteries and get me four bypasses? Didn’t do that small either!

What really chaps me is when I am sick. Wifey goes to the store and brings back some Pepto Bismol to try and take care of the problem. A six ounce bottle? Give me a break. If I need to drink that pink Loctite  I am going to need more than six ounces. The directions say something like half an ounce every 4 hours. I drink the whole bottle in a single gulp. And it works.

Same thing with Nyquil. How am I going to take that wonderful green elixir a tablespoon at a time? I need at least two or three swallows to have any effect. And I have to keep at least four 10 oz bottles on the bar for when we get stupid and make Green Hornets! (One shot of Nyquil and one shot cheap vodka over cracked ice)

The point here is we are in America damn it! I should be able to buy the things I need in five gallon buckets or larger. I don’t care what it costs, If I need it I’ll be buying it anyway. I could use a 55 gallon drum of Pepto. At least a drum of Nyquil and for sure a 275 gallon tank of Diet Coke out back. Beer comes in kegs, Why not squirt cheese, or mustard? I would love to have a five gallon bucket of Bosco with a pump in it in the garage. Why can’t I buy a gallon size bottle of Claritin-D for my nose? That stupid little package holds what, ten tablets? And the bastards even put them in those demonic little blister packs that I can't get into anyway.

And don’t even think of getting me started on scoopable kitty litter…………..

I’m Buying a Super Soaker……………

Yup. You heard right. I am going to buy one of those toy water pistols that holds two quarts of water. One that you can pump up to 100 psi and squirt all the way across the yard. I am going to fill it with Welch’s Grape Juice and I am going to hose down every one of those damn religious nut cases that trespasses on my property and knocks on my door.

Let me explain; Wifey and I work nights. We work in a hospital in south Florida in the height of snowbird season. We put up with the sick, the injured, and the faking lonely people all night long. We do this because we are caring human beings and the money is pretty good as well. When we finally get to go home and sleep in the morning we don’t want to be disturbed by some clean cut, bicycle riding, 1965 IBM executive look alike religious nut case. 

“Good afternoon Sir. We would like to talk to you about the Lord Jesus Christ”

“Uh, we work nights and are sleeping right now”

“When would be a good time to come back and talk to you about Jesus Christ?”

“When he walks up to my door with you in person.”

At this point I shut the door and went back to sleep.

I know for a fact it’s illegal to shoot stray raccoons with a paint ball gun.(Don’t ask me how I know this) I wonder what the Sheriff in Okeechobee county would say if I was caught hosing down one of these fools out mining souls for Jesus with a half gallon of Grape Juice? I know for a fact that Welch’s Grape Juice is a bitch to get out of a white cotton dress shirt.

I wonder if The Mormons are allowed to use Oxy-Clean………….

I hate to say I told you so, But………..

Today while I was at lunch, eating my bologna sandwich and strawberry yogurt, it happened. I was watching the TV in the cafeteria at the hospital when the top story on CNN was that our new president was angry at AIG giving their employees a ton of bonus money. In fact, President Dumbshit even went so far as to say all of us Americans should be furious with the execs at AIG acting so irresponsibly.

Wait a minute here. We the people should be furious with the AIG folks for pissing away the money the government gave them? Didn’t AIG make their own puddle? Shouldn’t they get to sleep in it? Didn’t they screw up their business and drive themselves to the brink of bankruptcy? 

DIDN’T THOSE GOVERNMENT ASSHOLES GIVE THEM ALL THAT MONEY, OUR MONEY, TO BAIL OUT THEIR FAILING BUSINESS?

Seems to me we should be furious with our government representatives for giving all that cash to an organization that has a proven track record of making bad investment and poor decisions. We should have let their business fail.

But all us brainwashed Americans can see is what the news shows us. The stock market had a huge rally this week. The Dow gained almost 400 points! Hot Damn! Our problems are over! Never mind that the market is down 6,000 (that’s six thousand) points in a year and a half. Hell, the stock market has dropped 3,200 points since inauguration day. Now we should be upset that AIG execs gave themselves a ton of our free money?

Pull your head out of the sand. You are being manipulated. They, the government, are diverting your attention away from the fact that they increased your share of the national debt by $15,000. That’s 15K for every man woman and child in America. And they did that in just two short weeks.

Just imagine what kind of crap they can dream up to saddle us with in the next three and a half years.

Sweet Dreams……………..

Oh My Papa...............

It is with great pleasure that I introduce my loyal Blog fans to the man who made me. Some of you have met my Dad and it is a great privilege to have him as my “Guest Blogger” for this installment.

So here is my Dad’s most hated list of this decade.

1)      The “U-Know Birds”. Them Dummies who can’t speak a sentence without inserting a verbal comma splice between every 2 or 3 words.

2)      The “24-7 Orators”. About as annoying as the U-Knows.  DUMB!

3)      The “Gigglers” More dummies who end every sentence with a string of “tee-hees” no matter if their statement was that, a question or a one worder. DUMB!

4)      Re-sealable Baggies. The seal mechanism reduces the open ends area enough to prevent a full head of lettuce from fitting inside a gallon size bag. The slider seal variety is even worse and both cost more than the tie-tie design. DUMB!

5)      TV pandering lawyers hocking themselves and their co-horts. Doing you a favor, fattening their wallets and screwing someone else is the end result. DUMB!

6)      Greedy CEOs who have managed to engineer their own financial position far in excess of their own worth and value to their employer. DUMB!

7)      “Scammers & Spammers” The lowest of all lows who have poisoned the internet into a written cess-pool. DUMB!

8)      Food Packaging. Another long time misery. Often it is impossible to get the product out of it’s packaging but if one succeeds the wrapping is usually ruined which requires the purchase of baggies to preserve the remainder. DUMB!

Thanks for the input Dad! If you ever need to vent again I will always be happy to post your thoughts.

Oh Say Can’t You See…..

What the hell is happening to this country? Sure, you voted for change and look how fast things are happening. All this great government money is being pumped into the American economy. Private business is getting lots of free cash to prop up their bottom lines. To protect their interest the government is limiting how much money the top executives of these companies can make.

Wait a minute here? The government is limiting how much money a private citizen can make just because they propped up a business with a loan?  Does the bank tell you what brand of tires to buy for your car just because they lent you the money to buy it? Do they tell you where you can drive or how fast or what kind of oil to use?

Wifey and I work at a hospital. More than 75% of the money the hospital makes comes from Medicaid and Medicare. That’s government money. Will our salaries be controlled in the future? How about your mortgage? Your bank or Mortgage Company might have received some cash from the government at one time. Maybe the feds will force your private bank to re-negotiate your loan at a lower interest rate to give you a little relief. Then the government owns your ass as well.

Been to the grocery store lately? How about farm subsidies? Will the food you eat be priced and controlled by the feds? The trucks that deliver the food, the fuel the farmer’s tractor burns. All touched by the government in one way or another. The big boys in Washington are slowly taking our freedoms from us. And we are too stupid to see it.

My dad tells me the story about how his father used to write a check to pay his income taxes every year. He just told them what he made and wrote the check. It wasn’t taken from him before his employer gave him a pay check. Every time there is a crisis the government uses it as an excuse to grab a little more of our freedoms from us. It doesn’t matter if it’s World War or an attack on the World Trade Center. Now it’s a Financial Crisis and the government is grabbing all they can.

Your hard earned money, property and freedoms are being taken from you piece by piece and you still think things are looking up. Soon you will be working for the government and you won't have any choice in the matter. Before long this country will resemble 1935 Germany.

And you voted for a change. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Thanks Dumb Ass………

You have got to be kidding me…………

So this 33 year old woman has in-vitro fertilization and has 8 zygotes planted inside her greedy womb. When she delivers the whole country gives a collective hooray and happy sigh that the miracle of life has blessed this cow with 8, count’em eight, little babies.

Not me. No sir, Not one damn bit.

She is un-employed. She has 6 children already and guess what? They were in-vitro fertilization products as well.

Miss Suleman is unmarried, has no partner and no apparent means of financial support. She lives in a hopelessly small house with her divorced parents, one of whom recently filed for bankruptcy.

Don’t get me wrong here. Anyone who wants to try and get pregnant with a turkey baster  is fine with me, but, the implantation of fertilized eggs into a woman and the subsequent  hormone and pregnancy inducing drug regime is not cheap. We are talking thousands if not hundreds of thousands of dollars here.

Normally you only find this level of medical irresponsibility at Duke University, or of course, anywhere in California.

This woman is a criminal, her physicians are criminals and the products of this disgusting experiment are going to be a blight on society for years to come. An unemployed single mother is going to be able to raise 14 children into productive tax paying citizens? In California no less? Give me a break.

The physicians responsible should pay for this Frankenstein tragedy. They should lose their licenses and the hospital should be fined and closed.

I wonder how many more embryos she still has frozen and will she do it again?

I’d be willing to bet Duke would do it. Especially if she was an illegal alien smuggled in from Mexico………

Star Trek, The Next Generation…… of Pansies…….

Wifey and I finally got moved into to our little house in Okeechobee and tonight (Tuesday 27 Jan) we are watching Star Trek the Next Generation on Dish Network from WGN out of Chicago.

Remember when Captain Kirk, Bones and Scotty went tear assing around the universe blowing up everything and molesting all the hot alien chicks? It seemed like Spock was the only one who didn’t have a perpetual case of space herpes.

Those were the days.

Not anymore though. Captain Jean Luc Picard just got caught with his pants down as he didn’t have the stones to fire upon the Pherengi ship. Now they are crippled in space and what are they doing on the new Starship Enterprise? They are going to negotiate with them.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT?

Fire the damn torpedoes and go capture their women! I guess this is what happens when you are peaceful starship commanded by a bald, testosterone challenged Frenchman.

And don’t get me started on that mind reading, Betazoid bimbo with the low cut blouse. Who cares what they are feeling. FIRE THE DAMN PHOTON TORPEDOES and go on your way.

Maybe this is why our dipstick president wants to negotiate with the Islamic terrorists…………..

That Damn BCS System........

I was going to post some smart aleck remarks about how I think the BCS is a complete waste of time and should be dropped from college football .

However,

After Texas Tech's  ass kicking at the hands of Mississippi I'll just sit here in the corner with my mouth shut licking my wounds.

Dammit.

The Night Before Christmas..........

Twas the night before Christmas

And I’m stuck in the Lab,

Could be worse I suppose

say in the morgue on a slab.

I look at my watch and see midnight is near

The label printer goes off and

my heart’s filled with fear.

 

A stiff in the unit needs blood work tonight

I get to go jab him, what a delight

I approach his small room

as I have done so often

and then there’s that sign

Droplet  precaution.

 

Gloves gown and mask soon I am adorned

I then approach the patient

whose face looks quite scorned

My hands are a shakin.

The tourniquet is a poppin.

His blood fills the tube.

Oh God no it’s stoppin!

 

His forehead is sweaty

His brow becomes wrinkled

Oh no there’s that smell

I’m sure he has tinkled!

 

I apologize for the hang up

and explain it’s the tube.

He tells me where to put it

and not to use lube.

 

I get another needle

and approach his bed

He then quietly informs me

“Miss again and you’re dead”

This time the tube fills

I don’t miss a drop

and back at the lab

they now want a blue top

 

So back to the floor

with my cart still in tow

I draw the blue top

and as I turn to go

 

The nurses gather round

those blue scrubbed vultures

The doctor they say

just ordered blood cultures!

 

It just isn’t fair

this phlebotomist chants

I feel something warm

I’ve wet my own pants

 

I start to feel cheated

I look in my cart

I need two more bottles

before I can start

 

So back to the lab

to get more supplies

My shift has just ended!

and tears fill my eyes

 

I smile cause it’s over

Damn do I feel great

and then I learn

my replacement is late.

 

The next night before Christmas

where will you find ole Chuckie?

Plastered and smelling of Tequila

We should all be so lucky!

Déjà Vu with a Twist of Lime…..

Just like the opening scene in Apocalypse Now, I was trapped in a disturbing flashback the other day. Surprising as the only acid I have ever taken is vitamin C and aspirin. The world was chilly damp and dark. Fog swirled around me and my tent in the woods. I heard the insane laughter of hundreds of intoxicated maniacs wildly acting out some animalistic ritual in the distance.

The pungent odor of incinerating swine flesh filled my nose and stung my eyes. I blinked my poor peepers as fast and as hard as I could so that I may witness the horror first hand.  My tear filled eyes focused on the vision I had feared most of all, the stuff of future nightmares.

A pig roasting on a spit surrounded by lots of cheering and drunk figures having a great time.

When I awoke, terrified and soaked in sweat, from this vision, I was alone in the dark confines of my bedroom. I was compelled by some strange force, not unlike Richard Dreyfus making towers of mud in his living room, to logon to my computer and check my email.

There it was, hiding next to the Viagra ads, wedged in under the Gevallia coffee maker spam. It is the object of my nightmares and my most magnificent obsession.

The invitation to the next generation of ChuckieFest. One of my closest (and most disturbed) friends, I will refer to him as Sir William, Is reviving the the ancient ceremony. It has been reborn as BillyFest 09. It will take place the first weekend in April. Yes, Right after my birthday.

If you would like an invitation and information sheet, just email me for it. astrochuckie@hotmail.com I will send a current one right out.

And don’t say I didn’t warn you………….

I love TV Commercials......

Lately there has been this commercial on the tube that talks about how with one day of training you can SCUBA dive. With a week of training you can become a certified diver. After a month of training you can dive with sharks, dive into wrecks and caves.

The other ad says with one day of training you can parachute out of an airplane with an instructor. After a week of lessons you can jump by yourself. With a month of training you can fly the airplane.

Then the announcer comes on and says, At US Cellular it takes six weeks of training to become a customer service rep.

What this tells me?

US Cellular must hire the stupidest people on the planet to answer their telephones! Yeah, I want to spend my hard earned cash with their company!

Yes….After a couple of weeks I’m Back!

The Black Hearted Fiend……..

That’s what one of my favorite computer games refers to me as. Most people prefer the sweet title of "Prince Among Men” Of course if you have read my blog entries for the last few weeks you might tend to agree with my current title.

It’s time to let you in on a little secret.

I am a softie. No one would know unless you saw me watching one of my favorite shows on TV. Extreme Makeover Home Edition is the culprit. These guys pick a family who has endured some sort of tragedy and they rebuild or completely demolish and replaces the families house. And they do an amazing job. The episode that sticks out in my mind is the family in Tennessee.

The father is a firefighter and the mom was home one night with the two kids while dad was at work protecting others. A tornado rips through and erases their house. Mom jumped on the kids to protect them in the basement. They all lived, but mom is a paraplegic and confined to a wheelchair as a result. A horrible story to be sure and I am tearing up as I type this.

These guys swoop in inside a huge RV, grab the family and send them to Disney world for a week. Then over 500 volunteers rebuild a new house for them. And I mean a palace. Every item you can imagine to help a wheelchair bound person. Electric lifts, kitchen based on wheelchair height,  plasma TV’s , hot tubs,  the whole enchilada. The family is off recovering at Disney and the work on their house goes on 24/7.

When the family comes home and sees the mansion they have been given and the love the whole community has poured out, the tears begin. If you are a cynical asshole like me and this doesn’t change or at least touch you, you should just go for a swim in the ocean and not come back.

The sponsors, Sears, Home Depot, ABC TV, and thousands of others are the real heroes. Wifey and I are looking at getting a big flat screen TV. Even if it cost $50.00 more at Sears we will buy it there. The Home Depot gets our business as well.

Watch an episode. I dare you. CMT shows the re-runs and ABC does the current season.

It will change your life…..