Creatures from The Black Lagoon…..

Fifty thousand years ago Florida was an uninhabited, mosquito-ridden swamp. It was filled with wild animals, snakes and possibly a few graduates from the University of Georgia .  (This period of time was far to advanced for Texas A&M students)

The weather was terrible by our standards. Hot in the summer, cold and clammy in the winter. Tropical weather systems pounded the area drenching, and in some cases, submerging the land with many feet of unrelenting floods. Most of the semi intelligent creatures ran for their lives when the rains came. The less evolved (read as stupid) animals or beings, returned to set up their homes again in the very areas that were devastated by the horrendous weather.

The floods would again come, a few more local species would die off and the circle of life would continue. A cruel and gruesome series of events to be sure, but that didn’t stop the animators at Disney from making a fortune off of it.

Thousands of years passed, the rains still came, numerous species went extinct, and dumb assess are STILL building their homes on Black Creek in Middleburg, Fl.

This year has been a doozie for rain in coastal northeast Florida. To hear the amateur meteorologists’ from Action News Jacksonville talk about it, you would think we all would need to grow fins and gills. The rainfall totals for the year are, I hope you are sitting down for this, within an inch of normal. That’s right, an average amount of rain has hit the ground this year. So what if we got most of it in a three week period. This was and still is a primordial swamp remember?

But not for those folks out in the Black Creek area. No sir. You know the type. The ones with the enlarged foreheads and deep seated eyes. Think of Australopithecus here. You know the type, the same ones who used to smile and giggle when they soiled themselves in the back of the short bus on the way to class in Athens Georgia.

These fools have the nerve to keep breeding, and to make matters worse, they keep relocating to their same fluid plots of cesspool smelling muck where they build houses out of pig shit and sticks.

And that’s OK with me. The world will be a better place upon their extinction.

But wait a minute here. FEMA and the federal government have arrived. The feds are promising a house by house survey of the area, checkbook in hand, to help these idiots rebuild their homesteads on top of the very muck that swallowed their previous ancestors and their dwellings. The only problem here is, the government is carrying YOUR checkbook. Every payday and April 15^th you deposit your hard earned wages into that checking account so some asshole politician can give it to the mindless masses at election time to buy their votes.

Circle of life my ass. Let those fools who build their houses in the swamp ooze into the muck and disappear forever. The are just sucking down vital oxygen that the rest of us could be breathing and keeping the matriculation rates at UGA artificially high.

It’s not like any of them could have read a topographic map before they built their homes there in the first place.  “Oh look here Honey, I found a lovely place in the swamp to build our dream house! It’s surrounded by water! It even smells bad and comes with free snakes and mosquitoes!"

Forget the Zombie Apocalypse. We need to worry about the Dumb Asshole Apocalypse.

It seems to be here already……..

Olympic Herpes……

It’s that time again. You can’t avoid it. It will consume you and ruin your life. It will spread from your television to your internet to your smart phone like an STD. Soon cereal boxes will have the faces of dimwit jocks you have never heard of before, from unknown sports, staring at you in the isles of the food depot.

Of course I am talking about the Olympics. That over blown nonsense that goes on for two weeks every four years. I have blogged about it before (Feb 18 2010) and I still feel the same way.

It started last night when NBC news (Guess which network shelled out two billion dollars (($2,000,000,000.00)) for the rights to bore and infuriate me) aired their closing “Feel Good” story about a chick who is trying to qualify for the 100 meter high hurdles.

All I care about is if she is the fastest at her sport without doping up. That’s it. I don’t care if her mom died when she was a child, I don’t care if she slept in a basement eating used cat food out of a dumpster. All that human interest crap dilutes what the athletes are doing and trying to achieve. Make all the athletes compete naked and don’t disclose their names and nationalities until the race is over. This way the true talent rises to the top and NBC has to show you coverage where the US just might not pull off the miracle win every time.

The United States has the most extensive athletics organization in the world. High school, college and eventually professional levels are all fun to watch, but they should never be mixed together. Letting our NBA stars who make millions a year to act like assholes first and playing basketball second, should not be allowed to play against amateur teams from places like Cameroon or Haiti or Norway. That is the stupidest shit I have ever seen. But you can bet your sweet ass that NBC will show you the preliminary game of basketball between the US and the Dutchy of Grand Fenwick during prime time.

And I sure as hell hope they don’t tap that smug asshole Bob Costas to be their Olympic anchorman again. He makes me want to barf every time I see him. The only sports personality worse than him is Holly Rowe from ESPN. I would rather treat an acute case of hemorrhoids with Tabasco sauce then hear these two losers belch on and on about sports they know nothing about.

I guess I just won’t pay my cable bill during the month of August. College football will not have started yet and watching baseball is about as exciting as watching snails fuck. There is nothing on TV worth a shit until October when the Walking Dead comes back on.

Except for Dallas of course.

Come to think of it, J.R. Ewing does kinda resemble some of the extras on TWD…........

You Want WHAT?

The whole purpose of giving someone a gift is to show them you were thinking of them and wanted to do something nice for them. Unless of course it's your neighbors who allow their dogs to leave their deposits in your yard. Then the gift is to put on gloves and smear the offending matter all over their windshields and front door.

Wifey has learned to never ask me for something at Christmas as she knows that the item will go on my do not consider list. I want her to know I put a lot of thought and care into the present that I give her. She will tell you she has never been disappointed. I bought my brother a can of octopus meat one year for Christmas along with some other cool stuff like a vertical chicken roaster and a pickle picker for getting gherkins out of a jar.

See what I mean? I am Mr. Thoughtful when it comes to buying people gifts. Who else would go to a multi thousand dollar wedding where the gift table was covered with many many thousands of dollars of crystal and silver..........and give the bride and groom as case of motor oil. Synthetic no less. I'm not a cheap skate.

If you are having a baby shower for a baby boy, expect something like a chain saw. If it's a girl, expect a pink chainsaw.

So imagine my horror when my closest friend sent me a wedding invitation and included was a pretty little insert informing us that they were participating in a very nice store's "Bridal Registry".

I'm not stupid, I get it. You register so that everyone knows what you need when you start out your new lives together. You also register so you make sure you don't get thirty seven "George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Machine" burger cookers on your special day.

There are a few problems with this program. The first is that all the spontaneity and loving thoughtfulness is stripped away from the giving process. The second is that the list is always made out by the bride to be and is ALWAYS, repeat for effect, ALWAYS stuff the groom could care less about. Towels, bed linens, cooking weapons and other emasculating gifts are all "Chick Stuff." The third issue is, and this one really bothers me, is that the happy couple can log onto the website and see what has been fulfilled on their wish list. "Look honey we are getting an electric juice extractor from someone who really loves us."

I promise you this much. They will never see my gift coming. No I'm not going to bring them a herd of goats or an automatic weapon of some kind. I would never do anything to embarrass them in public. If it was him alone, I would without hesitation. Multiple times, and I would get it on tape! But I wouldn't do that to the lovely lady that has decided to pledge her life and love to him in front of God in a four hundred year old Catholic mission.

The fact that I know his parents and I am afraid they would kill me has nothing to do with it!

Well.......Maybe a little.............

Ognuno Soffre…….

It’s funny how you look at things when you get older.  Childhood allows, hell demands, you to think silly thoughts and they are somehow fine.

When I was a kid growing up In Avon, Ct. almost every kid on the block had his tonsils out the same summer. Stories of huge piles of ice cream and missing school for a week filled my dreams. Then appendicitis was the new scar to have. EVERY kid had that scar except me and my brother. I remember not being picked to be on a basketball team because I didn’t have an appendectomy scar. I could handle not being picked because I sucked at the sport, but to be left out because I was healthy?

Bastards.

As I got older I started to realize how lucky I was as a kid. Parent’s loved each other till the day Mom died. No real accidents to speak of, and no life threatening illnesses. I suppose most of the crap my family had to go through was my fault. For that I am sorry.

I started to take notice of how people acted and responded when they got sick. I mean really sick.. The really life threatening stuff like cancer and heart attacks and strokes. Mom always tried to beat into my head that I was to be the tough one when everyone was hurting and to be there for them. Suffer later, but be a rock for those who needed you to be strong because they couldn’t. I would like to think that I have made her proud.

I have watched a lot of people die during my tenure as a person, both personally and professionally in my medical career. Some were rocks, other’s were little balls of mushy crap that drips between your fingers when you pick it up.  Some people were inspirational in how they handled their personal tragedies, others were pathetic spiteful and hateful.

Regardless of my goofy religious beliefs, I think it’s everyone’s responsibility to make those around you as comfortable and happy while you are dying as you can.  It is going to happen to everyone at one point or another, so we might as well make it as easy as possible.

If I seem indifferent or cold about it when you ask me, it’s not you I promise. I have been living with this knowledge for the last ten years. I am acutely aware of what is happening. I don’t understand the why’s but I do know the how’s and trust me, I’m not OK with it. I am just stuck with it. I am doing everything I can to face this shit with courage and as much style as I can muster. Yes there are bad days where I am more pissed than normal, That’s to be expected.

Let’s all just have fun and dance in the sand before the music gets turned off or the lights go out and our parents make us come in out of the rain.

Here In My Car………

I feel safest of all, I can lock all my doors, It’s the only way to live….

I know I know. I don’t normally go around quoting Gary Numan disco songs from the 1980s, but it’s true.

Cars I have owned in my 52 years:

1.              1964 Ford Fairlane Sports Coup

2.              1981 Subaru Wagon 4WD (Cyclops)

3.              1982 Subaru Turbo Coupe 4WD

4.              1974 Ford LTD (Dorf)

5.              1977 MGB

6.              1983 Ford Bronco SLT (Big Black Bastard)

7.              1982 Mazda RX-7 GSL-SE (Rice Rocket)

8.              1982 Audi Coupe of some unknown kind

9.              1981 Pontiac Grand Prix

10.          1985 Chevy Diesel Conversion Van (Otamot)

11.          1986 Subaru Hatchback 4WD

12.          1980 Datsun Pick Up

13.          1986 Jeep Wrangler Sahara Edition

14.          1980 Ford Ranger Pick Up

15.          1981 Ford F-150 Pickup Lease then Purchased (MCF)

16.          1989 Ford  F-250 Pickup Truck Super Duty Super Crew 4WD (Behemoth)

17.          2002 Volkswagen Diesel New Beetle (Presently Owned) (Der Stuka)

18.          1999 Dodge Ram Conversion Van (Presently Owned) (Green Turd)

Best Mileage:   Diesel New Beetle      44-46 mpg Hwy

Worst Mileage:   1989 Ford F-250 Pickup 4WD     12-15 Hwy.

Fastest:   1982 Mazda RX-7 Rotary 13B engine    135 MPH (RADAR Clocked 4th gear)

Cheapest:   1964 Ford Fairlane Sports Coupe. Mimi sold it to me for $1.00

Most Expensive:   1989 Ford F-250   $25,000

Most Hated:     1981 Pontiac Grand Prix

Most Loved and Pampered:   2002 Diesel New Beetle

I’m not a “Car Guy” I never really gave a crap about my cars until I had the Mazda sports car. Then I fell in love with that rush of speed that flying  4 inches off the ground at a hundred miles an hour can give you. It didn’t handle that well though which always scared me, and 9,000 rpm in first gear was a little crazy.

My favorite car, and I have no idea why, is the 2002 VW Diesel New Beetle that I drive now. Being a diesel it hits maximum torque (power) at 1700 RPMs. A Porsche needs to get to 4,000 RPM to get the same power. It’s quick, turns on a dime, Handles like a formula 1 race car and gets 44-46 MPG on the highway.

We just took Der Stuka (his name) through one of the most thrilling and treacherous roads in the world. US Highway 129 in North Carolina and Tennessee. It’s referred to as the Tail of The Dragon. 318 curves in 11 miles. My beetle with it’s low end torque was running away from most of the motorcycles and sports cars we came across. On a road where the maximum speed limit is 30 mph we had 270° turns we took at 50.

And remember. I’m not a “Car Guy”!

My Precious Water Supply…….

Well, as I documented a few days ago, the Zombie Apocalypse seems to be starting. I have my food ready, My defensive measures are in place, Bug Out Bag ready to go, I have my water jugs filled and sanitized, and I just bought some more condoms.

That’s right, condoms.

Now those of you who know me understand that I am a pretty brittle diabetic with a heart condition, so it’s obvious the condoms aren’t going to be used for their original purpose.

Dammit.

The condoms serve as emergency water containers. If you fill one up carefully it will hold almost a gallon of fresh water. Wrap this in a towel or a handkerchief and it becomes a lot tougher and harder to break. A box of 12 cost’s about $11.00. That’s a water storage vessel that weighs less than a tenth of an ounce, and holds a gallon for under a buck.

Don’t buy the fancy ones either. 25 years ago when you talked that really hot chick into coming back to your dorm room with you it was imperative to stop by the drug store and get some of those expensive lamb skin condoms. You had to make sure you brought her inside with you so A) everyone knew you were the man scoring such a hot chick, and B) She saw that you were going to spend at least $3.00 a pop on the evenings entertainment and her satisfaction. If you were extremely lucky you got out with dinner at a steak joint, a nice movie and $9.00 worth of heaven. A very good Saturday night indeed.

The less than stunning (ugly) girls got dinner at Taco Bell, a drive in movie, and the 25¢ condom that came prepackaged a dozen at a whack in a brown paper bag so no one knew what you were purchasing.

When buying them for water storage you need to make sure they aren’t loaded up with a spermicidal goo, and aren’t made of some domestic animals intestines. It is also extremely important you buy the Latex NON LUBRICATED kind!

Nothing would suck worse than being killed and eaten by a Zombie because you were sitting on a log, pants around your ankles, struggling with explosive diarrhea because you drank from a condom coated with WD-40 or what ever that slippery shit is.

And make damn sure your old college and high school conquests don’t read this!

That might even suck worse than the Zombie attack.......

Pseudo Weathermen……….

I suppose with the plethora of online clown colleges that are popping up all over the place it was inevitable that we would get lazy and dimwitted weathermen one of these days. There are some pretty crappy weatherbabes out there as well. They sure do fill out their sweaters nicely though. I guess that’s an important criteria these days.

Here we are in North Florida. It’s a couple days before Hurricane season starts and there is a storm brewing off the South Carolina coast. It’s headed towards Jacksonville where Chuckie lives. Of course I am all over the Internet getting the latest information from the National Hurricane Center and their NOAA RECON planes and buoys. It is beginning to look like a pretty formidable storm.

On TV meanwhile we have “Jacksonville’s Most Accurate Weather Forecaster” standing in front of a green screen pretending he’s the one and only weather God himself. He waves his arms around, points at imaginary buttons on the screen that are supposed to show where and when it’s going to rain.

We then cut to a really professional looking graphic that has all sorts of pretty colors on it that tells us the temperature for the up coming week and the chances for rain each day.

That’s it. A spoon fed weather report aimed towards the Nintendo generation of booger eating morons in the viewing audience. Oh and don’t forget the all important Rip Current Advisory that will be in effect while the near hurricane strength storm is approaching. (Why even post a warning like this? If you are stupid enough to go swimming in this tropical storm you deserve to die anyway)

YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE A WEATHERMAN. WHERE IS THE BAROMETRIC PRESSURE? WHERE IS THE HUMIDITY, WHERE’S THE DEWPOINT? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THESE THINGS ARE?

I wrote the station once and was informed in a very polite letter that the viewing audience was more “Visually oriented” and management had decided to leave the barometer readings off the nightly weather report. They also thanked me for watching.

What kind of shit is that? Why even list the temperature then? Just put a picture of a penguin up there for me to look at and see that it’s going to be cold tomorrow. We live next to the ocean. We have a lot of boaters here. List the barometric pressure on the weather forecast. What kind of idiots are you?

I didn’t list Mike Buresh’s name here to be polite.

I now watch Tim Deegan’s weather report because even though he went to Texas A&M, he is smart enough to recognize that his viewing audience just might be more advanced then most 4^th grade science students. And from what I have documented in my weather log for my location, he is more often correct than the other guys.

At least I get to see pictures of cats in trees and sunsets after Mike's weather is done.

Just what I needed.................... 

Standing My Ground……..

I just realized something, well a couple things actually. I haven’t posted anything in my blog for over a year. And for the first time in my life I can say what I think without repercussions. Oh sure I pissed off some friends and family before, but I had to worry about saying things that would piss off an employer or a co-worker.

Not anymore.

Probably the only folks I shouldn’t piss off now are the Wifey and my Doctors (Who I love dearly) My friends know me and know how I am anyway. The ones that are still around understand. The others? Fugum.

What got me going on this thread was a story I saw on the news last night. Apparently some dumb-ass kid in Miami thought it would be funny to dress up like a Zombie and scare the shit out of random people as they walked down the street. With the recent cannibalistic attack in Miami last week I suppose he thought it was funny

My advise to those who don’t know me is to not try this with Chuckie.

In the last few months I have read more than 25 Zombie books and seen a half dozen Zombie movies. Those who know me well are already aware I am well armed. (Everyone calls you a gun nut until the Zombies actually do start attacking. Then you are a hero.)

All of the material I have absorbed points to one, and only one, defense against an attacking somnambulist. That is to shoot them in the head or destroy the brain by whatever means possible. Machete, shovel, crossbow, assault rifle it doesn’t matter. Kill the brain and the Zombie dies for good.

And guess what? I even live in Florida so I can get away with it legally. Not that a sitting jury would ever convict a citizen for defending himself against having his face eaten off or his body consumed while he was still alive.

Yes my constant and deprived readers,

Chuckie has returned

The Next Food Network Star…………….

That’s right boys and girls. You heard it here first. I am going to be the next Food Network Star!

The executives at the Food Network heard that I was thinking about entering the annual contest and decided that my credentials and experience with fine cuisine proved worthy enough of just handing me the title and my own show. No need to spend the money on production costs and time consuming interviews of other candidates.

The Show’s title? Cooking with Chuckie, naturally. It sort of rolls off the tongue don’t you think?

The show would be filmed in my apartment where all of my secret recipes and cooking tools/weapons reside. I, of course, would be wearing multi-colored camouflage fatigues with my favorite t-shirt and Tilly hat.

We would start each show with a toast made with a new and exciting cocktail of my own invention. Some examples would be the Green Hornet, Nyquil and vodka, or maybe the Pink Panther, Pepto Bismol and Myers rum. Maybe we would even take a guest suggestion for a cocktail. Send me your ideas.

Next we would move into the appetizer portion of the show. Deep fried bacon wrapped bacon bites and deep fried jalapeno slices wrapped in cheese and bacon, and maybe even tater tots stapled to a jalapeno and hunk of cheese wrapped in bacon and then deep fried.

There will be no salad course as all of the available lettuce in America is picked by illegal immigrants and we all know that they wipe their asses in the field with it. No one is getting eColi from my kitchen!

For the entrée of show number one we would serve my world famous Ragu and oatmeal concrete casserole complete with cheddar cheese and bacon. It's bathed in a delicious, but delicate, bacon grease and mayonnaise reduction and garnished with a sprinkle of Parmesan cheese and some real bacon bits. I was also thinking of a new style "Super Burger" made from Kobe beef imported from the Fukishima district of Japan. This burger would not only cook itself but it would glow in the dark so you could eat it at night in the dark while saving the planet and reducing your carbon footprint. Stay tuned for the "Bacon Super Burger".

Desert would have to be my world renowned vanilla Moon Pie deep fried in pure bacon fat heated over a wood burning camp fire under a full moon.

Yes boys and girls it will be an amazing show. Who knows? Maybe HBO will make me an offer for a series to replace the Soprano’s.

I’ma gonna be a Star!

The Energy Fraud Task Force……..

is about the stupidest thing I have ever heard come out of a politician’s mouth. You can always tell when an election is coming around. Mostly by the smell of pig shit in the air, but also by the sophistication of the lies dreamed up by these political assholes who think we are all stupid. They may even be right.

The presidential task force to look into the energy costs is a complete waste of time. Why are the gas and oil prices going up? They could interview me for a couple hundred bucks and I would tell them. Think of the money that would save?

“Why are gas prices going up?” I hear you cry. I’ll tell you for free.

The world’s oil production is about the same in barrels per day as it was ten years ago. This is production not crude supply. The United States hasn’t built a new oil refinery in over 30 years. If you can’t refine it into usable fuel it doesn’t matter how much you have stored up. With the Chinese finally joining the 20th century, all those little yellow bastards are trading in their bicycles for cars. More demand for the same amount of oil world wide means prices go up.

The instability in the Middle East doesn’t help matters either. If an oil producing country loses a couple of refineries or worse a major pipeline or worse yet a whole seaport, supply is affected. Prices go up.

Summer automobile travel in the northern hemisphere increases demand for the same amount of oil, therefore, prices go up.

But the really nasty reason that these dirt bag politicians won’t tell you is IT’S THEIR DAMN FAULT!

Oil on the world market is traded in US dollars. The reason is that we here in America pretty much pioneered the oil industry. You don’t think the Arabs knew how to find and get oil out of the ground by them selves do you? Hell, they would still be in tents in the sand if it were not for western engineering and drilling knowledge. Lesson one in how to screw yourself.

The politicians have dicked up the American economy so badly that the US dollar is only worth about forty percent (40%) of what it was ten years ago. We now have a 15 trillion dollar deficit. (See my previous lecture on how much a trillion is, November 27, 2009)

Our money isn’t worth a shit anymore. So therefore, if our cash is only worth half of what it was, the products it will now buy cost roughly twice as much. And unlike the temporary effects of Middle Eastern squabbles, accidental oil spills and the occasional hurricane, the deficit and money problem will last and only grow worse with time. These higher oil prices may not go back down anytime soon, if ever.

All of the political assholes in Washington are at fault and have been since Nixon was in office. It’s not going change because it can’t.

Yup. It’s election time again here in America. Take a good whiff of the future.

I wish it smelled more like bacon instead of pig shit.

I like bacon…………

Amazing Things………

I have a bookshelf in my home designated for amazing things. Some of the items there are very rare. In fact, some of the rarest items on earth. Others mean nothing to anyone but Wifey and I. Thus, I am constantly looking for new stuff to reside there in my little hall of fame. I guess I am something of a hoarder in a limited sense. I stay up late at night fondling and worshiping these little pieces of what some would call crap.

“What kind of stuff?” I hear you cry? Well let’s see. I’ll list a few of them to take up more space and make this posting look longer than it really is.

1. A belaying pin from the HMS Bounty used in the 1960 film.
2. A Victoreen Geiger counter from the cold war days (still works).
3. A copy on VHS of “In the Wake of the Bounty”. One of the rarest films in the world. Erroll Flynn’s first film role.
4. About 2 pennyweights of gold Wifey and I mined in North Carolina.
5. A small sample of Trinitite from the first atomic bomb test in New Mexico.
6. Grandpa Bob’s old Hamilton wristwatch.
7. A 4 inch steel gold pan.
8. A small vial of Super Yeast a friend makes homemade bourbon with.
9. A Texas Paramedic pin.
10. A chrome finished early model Jacobs chuck.
11. A hunk of Amethyst Wifey found.
12. A few beach rocks I found and glued together from Emerald Isle.
13. A small urn/chest with L.T’s cremains.
14. A small chip of both Martian and Lunar meteorites given to us by an old friend.
15. A Siegfried and Roy poker chip from The Mirage in Las Vegas.
16. A small Buddha bottle of Damiana, a Mexican liquor. Aphrodisiac?
17. A finder scope from an old Criterion Dynascope RV-6 Telescope.
18. A spare O-ring for the Margarita keg.
19. A small wizard pewter statue for when I play Monopoly.
20. An 8x10 picture of the 1952 Cummins Diesel Special race car at Indianapolis.
21. A matchbook from the Travelodge in Biloxi Mississippi.
22. A drumstick signed by Java and Rah from Here Come The Mummies.

So there you have it. A summary of stuff that probably has no meaning to anyone except Wifey and myself.

Are there things I still want? Hell yeah. I want a piece of Chernobylite and maybe someday a chunk of Fukushimaite. I’d like Neil Armstrong’s golf ball he hit on the moon. I want a dinosaur bone. I’d really like a water geode.

I also have an alarm system and a pretty good collection of nasty firearms scattered through the house that I am quite proficient in using just in case this posting gives anyone some crazy ideas about taking my amazing things…………

Not On My Dime…..

I have chosen to forgo having telephone service in my home. I was tired of paying all that money for a service I rarely used. The Internet comes in over the cable and I don’t need to have a data line for a fax machine anymore. Hell, even Domino's can now recognize my phone number on their caller ID so getting a pizza isn’t even a hassle anymore.

The other beautiful thing about a cell phone is that my number will stay the same wherever I go. I can be at Joe’s house in San Antonio or my dad’s house in North Carolina and if you dial me up I will answer. Most of the time.

The first cell phone I had was paid for by the bank I worked at. When I separated from the bank (was let go, bastards) I kept the phone but had to pay for it myself. The plan was amazing. World wide unlimited calling for about seventy-five ($75.00) bucks. The first month I used about 25 minutes of airtime. Yes I was getting reamed and didn’t even think about it.

Soon I realized my mistake and went out and got a pay as you go phone. I simply put about fifty ($50.00) dollars into my account with Net-10 and I get 500 minutes worth of time. If it takes 6 months or 6 days to use up I just add more when I need to no contract and no commitment.

So what’s the problem?

This damn citywide election that’s what. Any election really.

I pay for my cell phone for my convenience. I use it for what I want to when I want to. And I will be dammed if I let some two-bit politician call me at 10 cents a minute from a God dammed automated dialing system to try and hustle a vote from me.

Warren Lee, you ASSHOLE, you owe me ten cents for that call to my cell phone tonight. You were the first to accost me over the cell phone I pay for so you get the honor of being the first one to get an invoice from me. I am sure there will be others and they will get the same treatment.

It’s about time these venereal, sleaze ball political assholes realize that they can’t get away with the same old shit they have been shoveling on us for years.

I will send that prick an invoice for my cell usage and I will keep you posted. I am sure none of them will see my blog as it would take maybe an ounce of intelligence to comprehend it, so maybe I will just copy this to the local newspaper instead.

I have only just begun to fight……..

“Lurking for millions of years…”

The recent seismic events affecting the island of Honshu have jolted me out of my blogging funk.

Yes Fan’s, Chuckie has returned.

The Japanese earthquake disaster can be broken down into a few distinct phases.

Phase 1 was the earthquake itself. Unprecedented in modern times, never before has a developed civilization undergone a disaster of such biblical proportions. Except for maybe Pompeii, and that one really sucked.

Phase 2 was when the Tsunami washed ashore. Water weighs a little over 1,800 pounds per cubic yard. Moving at 45 miles an hour over land this 30 foot high wave brushed aside anything in its path easily. It drowned anything that lived through the initial quake jolt.

Phase 3 is the ongoing atomic scenario playing out at the Fukushima Dai-chi nuclear power plant. I say atomic to differentiate between the fission and fusion processes related to nuclear energy. If you don’t understand the difference maybe you should have paid a little more attention in science class in high school instead of banging cheerleaders and/or football players. I am sure all the dope you smoked didn't help much either.

The destruction that has occurred is beyond imagination. The potential for health problems if those reactors melt down and release a cloud of radioactivity into the atmosphere is also beyond comprehension.

So as long as we are dealing with beyond imagination scenarios, I submit for your approval:

Phase 4

“Lurking for millions of years, encased in a block of ice, evil incarnate, waiting to be melted down and to rise again.”

GODZILLA!

Godzilla has torn up Japan 28 times since the Castle Bravo thermonuclear test at Bikini atoll in 1954. Hell, he even made it to New York City recently.

Imagine how much fun that skinny obnoxious prick Anderson Cooper from CNN is going to have with that news story.

Thanks to Blue Oyster Cult for the quote and remember where you heard it first.

The Answer is…………

The answer is so simple. It is a beautiful solution to a good chunk of the problems facing this country today. I am surprised it took me this long to think of it.

We have an extreme unemployment emergency in this country. People can’t find work and yet we still have hundreds of immigrants streaming over the fence, through the tunnels and smuggled into this country in automobile trunks every day.

The majority of crops picked in this country in the south are harvested by illegal aliens in the border states. This puts a drain on the Welfare and Medicaid systems in those states and the federal government refuses to step in and help. The democrats in power see these leeches as future voters. If the feds are going to require your state to accept these refugees they should at least allow your state to police them and send them back when they break our laws. I fully support the state of Arizona.

Notice how the news media has been reporting more and more cases of e-coli bacteria infections from crops grown in the southern states? Lettuce and spinach and assorted other crops have been affected. Am I the only one to see the pattern here? The illegal immigrants are wiping their asses with the lettuce they pick to send to us to eat! When was the last time the news reported a wetback with e-coli? Haven’t heard that one yet from CNN have you?

I think it’s time we stood up in this country. Close the borders once and for all from the invasion of illegal immigrants. If you come to this country striving for the American Dream you have my respect and support. Register here, meld into our society and help make this country great. I salute you. My ancestors did on both sides of my family tree.

Until then lets put the army on the border with orders to shoot to kill anyone crossing without proper authorization. How many people would attempt to cross illegally into our great country if a few were shown dangling on the wire where they were stopped before they made it across.

Do the same thing with looters in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. Caught stealing Rolexes from a jewelry store? Bang. Problem solved.

And the illegal, law breaking immigrants that are already here? What do we do with them when we catch them?

Simple answer.

Soylent Brown.

Spicy and available every Thursday…………

What’s That Smell?

Did someone forget to take scoop the cat’s box? Leave some raw shrimp unrefrigerated under the sink? Are the Aggies playing football in town this weekend?

Nope. It’s election time once again and the odor is coming from your TV.

I cannot stand the constant mud slinging and lying from these assholes who are running for public office. I have known personally a few people who went to Washington. They were good, honest hard working folks who wanted to make a difference: and they turned into money grubbing political scum bags.

You can’t vote them out because “them” is both sides of the coin. No matter how many times you flip it you lose.

Unless…………

You don’t flip the coin at all.

You and every other American has the right to vote. The politicians want you to vote as you will walk into the voting booth like a blind sheep and vote for someone. Hell they even call it “Your Duty” and guilt you into voting. They need you that much.

Here is the answer.

Don’t vote for anyone. Read it again, DO NOT vote for ANYONE.

Go to the poles and vote for those you personally know and trust. The others? Leave the spot blank. That’s right. Just don’t make a choice. Exercise your constitutional right to vote for none of the above. Maybe just maybe enough people will take this option and somebody somewhere might get the idea that the electorate is finally getting pissed off at the whole situation.

They don’t think you have the nerve to stand up to them. Short of running them out of town on a rail this is all we can do. You can’t shoot them like the hydrophobic dogs they are. Until they feel threatened nothing will change.

Imagine how sweet the victory for Asshole #1 will be over Asshole #2 if there were more blank votes than either of them received!

That would make for a story even those dickheads at CNN couldn’t ignore……

Conspiracy with a twist of Lime…..

Remember how the world was the day before 911? We had the normal political and social problems facing us. The economy was looking bad. The normal stupid little conflicts were going on in the Middle East. Unemployment was on the rise although at not such an alarming rate. The housing market was looking bleak. Just the normal stuff going on.

Then the tragedy of 911 happened.

People were furious and dumbfounded beyond belief. How could this happen?

And then the idiot asshole idea machine took over.

People actually had the audacity to accuse the president and his cabinet of having prior knowledge of the attacks. Some disease infested fear mongers even went so far as to say that the president played a direct part in planning the attack to suck the country into a war so that he and and members of his cabinet could financially gain from the costly conflict. The hottest topic for that next election cycle was the Homeland Security issue.

Here’s where it gets stupid. This is only hypothetical and not something I actually believe but it does make an interesting mental exercise.

What did Obama know about this oil spill disaster before it happened and was he involved in it in any way?

Has your life gotten any better from the economic stimulus package? Has the country rebounded from the millions of jobs lost since Obama took office? Is this whole oil spill crisis a diversion to draw fire away from incumbent democrats who are on the hot seat for supporting that idiot’s healthcare bill?

Heard anything on the news lately about the Tea party Movement? How about how badly the two wars are going? Where is the housing crisis issue? What about the talk about all the jobs being lost? The job report released today will look rosy as hell because of all the census workers are included in it. All the TEMPORARY census workers who will be unemployed in a few months.

The mid term elections all of a sudden are second page news.

It’s just interesting to me that when a major crisis hits America it’s always the president’s and governments fault when there is a republican in the white house. The nut cases crawl out of the woodwork to blame the president. When there is a democrat in the white house it’s never brought up.

I guess we have the news media to thank for it.

And we all know how fair and honest those whores are………

SeaFood……..

You hypocrite.

Yes you, sitting there reading this post on your computer made primarily of plastic. Comfortable in a synthetic fabric covered chair in a dwelling heated and cooled by electricity. Paid for by profits from your employment that you commute to in a vehicle that consumes fossil fuels.

Yes I am finally jumping into the oil spill in the gulf crisis.

I sailed in the gulf from Houston to Pensacola many years ago. The oil platforms off of the Texas and Louisiana coast were as thick as pine trees in a forest. They were everywhere. I have no problem believing the estimates that say there are more than 4,000 of them in the gulf. They are huge extremely complicated systems that can drill holes in the sea floor thousands of feet deep a mile or more below the surface.

They have been doing this for more than 40 years.

And now there has been an accident.

Men were killed, oil is leaking into the water.

The key word here is accident. No one intended for this to happen. Sure there may have been oversights on safety or maybe a complicated system just failed. Either way it was an ACCIDENT. Safety costs lots of money and would you pay a dollar or two a gallon more for gas to have a safer oil production system in place? Go ahead and lie to me, I'm used to being lied to. Something about having your cake and eating too.

BP is doing everything in their power to stop the leaking oil. It hurts them where it hurts the most,in their pockets. They are loosing millions of dollars per day. The stock market is falling; your retirement funds are dwindling away because the oil stocks in your mutual funds are dropping.

And now we are looking to assign blame and possibly prosecute their executives for the accident? Can we just try to repair the problem first and worry about who we are going to sue or jail later? And the damn TV news coverage makes me want to puke. I wonder why Al & Tipper Gore decided to announce their divorce THIS week? I smell Hookers and an environmental cover up.

Newsflash: The planet will recover. Read it again: The planet will recover. Maybe not in time for your vacation to the beach this year but it will eventually. I feel sorry for those that make their living from the gulf waters. They will have to adapt somehow. Just like we all have to when bad things happen out of the blue. Tornadoes, hurricanes, house fires, floods, earthquakes, diarrhea. Shit happens.

I could care less about dead pelicans and seagulls. I like having the lights on at night and I love my computer. Cold beer is really nice to. Everything in life has risks and rewards.

I really would hate to give up eating shrimp though.

I like shrimp.

The Great Escape…

We are out of Okeechobee.

A week and a half ago we found out that Wifey’s mom wasn’t doing so hot. She has some pretty serious medical problems that required us to move back to Jacksonville pronto.

We did it in less than seven days.

We are now living in a cool apartment off of Southside Blvd. in Jacksonville Fl. I was going to post the Lat and Lon but I was afraid all of my fanatical fans would hunt me down, steal my underwear and try to sell it on eBay.

Okeechobee was an enigma for us. A sort of tequila induced nightmare that we could not wake up from. We met some of the nicest and best friends we have ever had. We also met the very worst the human species has to offer. I’m not talking about the genetically and evolutionarily challenged people there. Those whom I refer to are the completely ignorant and socially unacceptable human beings who slip through the cracks of decent society and end up in the sludgy coated, nasty oil pan of life. You know the type. Single, drunk and pregnant with their second child at 16 years old, or infected with some sort of flesh eating bacteria acquired while collecting dead road kill armadillos from the highways at night to sell to local boot makers for their tough leathery hides. And don’t get me started about the serious injuries that show up at the emergency room from intoxicated rednecks out hunting wild boars for fun.

That is Okeechobee in a nutshell.

When the fossils finally leave Okeechobee for the summer the Love Bugs move in. Some refer to them as “Black Snow” They are so thick that when you drive down the highway you cannot even read the street signs at times. On the worst days they partially block out the sun.

They stick to your car and their blood is caustic. If you don’t wash the little victims off your hood and grill their evil and foul smelling entrails’ goo will eat through and pit the paint job on your car. Don’t even think of parking your car in the garage until you have deglazed it from the love bug cadavers or you will instantly vomit from the new Okeechobee odor your garage has now taken on. You would think that the birds down in that satanic hellhole of a town would be the size of DC-10s with all the bugs to eat. Wrong. They must taste as bad as they smell. Even the birds are grounded during Love Bug season

For those of you in Okeechobee that we became friends with, we love you and miss you terribly. The rest of you, go pound fire ant-infested sand up your ass with a wooden spoon.

My Olympic Moment:

I think I should be the director/commissioner of the next Winter Olympics.

The first thing I would do is change a few of the rules to make things just a tad more interesting for the viewing public.

Such as:

The Luge event would be done without sleds. I used to go belly-woppin head first as a kid in the snow in Connecticut. They can to.

Ice Hockey. Simple. No one is allowed to wear padding of any kind and take down the glass boards around the rink.

Ski Jumping. Make them land in a pool. Preferably filled with mayonnaise.

Curling. Make the rocks magnetic. Let the players use blow dryers.

Figure Skating. Make the men wear men’s clothing. Make everyone go barefoot. Require the women to have some form of cleavage. This means they must be older than 10 yrs of age.

All of the skiing, including that silly half pipe shit, would be in the dark. Absolutely pitch black dark of the moon stuff. The TV cameras can use night vision. Make the gates on the skiing courses out off concrete instead of those flimsy posts and flags.

Bob Sledding would be done in the dark as well without helmets.

Ice Dancing would be done naked and the audience would have high-powered water pistols filled with grape juice.

The speed skaters would all have to wear roller skates on the ice.

The bi-athletes would start at 5-minute intervals and get to shoot each other on the course. The survivor gets all three medals.

Drop the cross-country skiers off in the middle of nowhere a hundred miles from home smeared in honey to attract bears; the ones who make it back alive get medals.

Actually I have watched a lot more of the Olympics than I thought I would have. The scenery that NBC shows before and after the commercials is breathtaking in HD.

And I really do think the Curling is cool.

Whooda thunk that?

Morris? Is that you?

So there I am standing in the cat food section of Publix looking for new and interesting flavors for LT (our cat) to turn his nose up at when suddenly I am elbowed out of the way by a nasty looking snowbird troll-like fossil.

For those of you that don’t know, Okeechobee is where all the jurassic snowbirds from Ohio, Michigan and especially Canada come to in the winter months to get away from the snow and clog up the hospital and Wal-Mart.

The migration begins about Labor Day. Campers and wrinkled up fossils back up the highway from Okeechobee all the way to YeeHaw Junction. Easily hundreds of millions of dollars worth of geriatric buses and mobile homes flow into Okeechobee like ripple into a wino that just won the lottery.

Instead of a catch and release program where these old bags of skin could be taken out into the Everglades to provide sustenance for the local reptile and amphibian populations, the local merchants lure and welcome them into their establishments like a diabetics being drawn to a candy factory. I think the idea is to fatten up on the tourists in the winter months to survive the long ugly and hot summers here.

So being the nice, kind and understanding guy that I am, I engage this old codger in a bit of humorous banter. I mention that I wonder if the feral cats in the wild eat Atlantic Salmon or Turkey Giblets in Gravy (Both flavors LT likes)

And then he says "I like the sliced beef and the chicken bits myself”

He then went onto engage me in a five-minute dithyram about how he likes to mix canned cat food into a salad and have that for dinner on warm evenings.

And I swear to God he was serious.

I can tell most of the time when someone is pulling my leg, but this is Okeechobee where people take their kids to Golden Corral barefoot and then take fried chicken legs home from the restaurant in their pants pockets with out using even a napkin or a plastic bag.

So here we are in the valley of the wealthy wandering Winnebago’s where all the rich old farts from up north come to escape the cold and when they get here they eat cat food to save a buck.

I should have walked him next door to the hardware store and bought him a shovel and a rake so he could collect some of that free food that gets hit by them pick-em up trucks at night here on the highway.

I wonder if possum road kill tastes like chicken?